Tensions boiled over in the away dressing room at Old Trafford last weekend, with a cheesed off Mourinho taking exception to City’s celebrations. Milk was spilled in the ensuing fracas and although there is no use crying over it now, both clubs might yet feel the wrath of the FA. Former Arsenal player, Mikel Arteta, is the only person who got injured in the melee, which makes sense. You can take the man out of Arsenal, but you can’t take Arsenal out of the man.
Now, let’s move on and cast our eyes towards another lactose-intolerant midweek of Premier League action.
Crystal Palace: Roy Hodgson’s Eagles are unrecognisable from the side that started the season by slipping on dog poo and falling off a cliff. Unbeaten in six matches, the Eagles may not be soaring just yet but in a league filled with kiwis, the flying capacity of a rooster might be enough to get them to safety.
Burnley: Now this is a team that really is flying. For a brief period, Burnley were fourth in the table and you could forgive their fans for taking a printout, framing it and hanging it in their living room. They’re down to sixth now, but still above perennial top-four challengers and net-spend enthusiasts, Arsenal.
Sean Dyche: The Ginger Mourinho is racking up 1-0 wins and climbing up the table, just like the original Mourinho used to, before he got consumed by his own paranoia. And given his grumblings about English managers not getting the big gigs (Hello, Sam!), it won’t be long before Dyche asks Mourinho to lend him some tinfoil to make a hat.
Willian: His best performance since he sneaked out of the bathroom window of the Spurs medical room, hailed a cab and arrived at Cobham, still wearing a gown.
Manchester City: They are so sublime, it’s ridiculous.
Leicester City: The Foxes have drawn one and won four of their last five matches, propelling them to eighth in the table. It couldn’t happen again, could it? Yeah, not this time.
Claude Puel: What better way to silence those who called his methods sleep-inducing, by beating them 4-1 on their own patch? What’s the French word for schadenfreude?
Everton: Big Sam’s put all his weight behind the Everton project and succeeded in lifting them up to tenth.
Wayne Rooney: When it Waynes, it pours. Why yes, I have considered writing headlines for the tabloids! How did you know?
West Ham: After defeating Chelsea last weekend, David Moyes bamboozled yet another London rival as his side’s turgid display almost brought the Gunners to tears and left them considering self-harm, just to go back home with a point.
Tottenham Hotspur: Back into the top-four and primed for the application of a continuous physical force on those above them. Thank you, dictionary.com.
Watford: Just one win in five games, and level on points with the club that pursued him for weeks. The smugness of one Sam Allardyce will be unbearable when he overtakes Silva’s stuttering side while chugging a pint of wine in his sports car, bearing the plates NVR RLGTD.
Troy Deeney: Senor Cojones fluffed a straightforward opportunity to put Watford two up, before it all went down the crapper.
Mark Hughes: He is still in a job, but surely his time is up. If Stoke City want someone to rescue their season, they’ll need to make a move before Swansea pull the trigger and summon the recently unemployed Welsh wizard underneath the baseball cap.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan: Oh Mkhi you’re not fine, you’re the worst in Jose’s mind. Hey Mkhi!
Swansea: Time to bring in your fourth permanent manager in two years, then sack him when you get relegated regardless, hire a promising manager from the Championship who will lead you to promotion, then sack him and… I could go on.
Southampton: Who’s boring now?
Mauricio Pellegrino: He won’t last the season if the Saints continue to be charitable and donate all their points to the needy.
Newcastle United: Rafalution to relegation is just four characters away which, coincidentally, could also turn out be the number of points by which they miss out on Premier League survival.
Rafa Benitez: As the lightning rod edges ever closer to being uprooted from St. James’ Park, it might be time to have a closer, fact-based look at the role of Rafa in getting Newcastle into the mess in which they find themselves.
Liverpool and Arsenal: The only 0-0 draws of the round involved two of the most attacking teams in the division playing two of the weakest. Alanis Morissette couldn’t have written it better.
Michy Batshuayi: This is how Antonio Conte rates his striking options, from best to worst – Alvaro Morata, a half-fit Alvaro Morata, Eden Hazard, the tea lady wearing a fake moustache, playing with ten men, and lastly, Michy Batshuayi.
Tom Cleverley: Not too clever, getting sent off for a second booking six minutes from the final whistle. In my humble opinion, a second yellow is the most embarrassing way to be dismissed; it tells the world that you were too thick to heed the warning when you received your first yellow. And as if to show that he was the glue binding the team together, Watford collapsed like a house of cards after his departure and conceded two goals to complete their humiliation.
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