if this all happens, the ‘17 season starts with a L for Big Red
Before I go into the five reasons Nebraska will lose this week I’d like to list the 5 reasons I am writing the “5 reasons we will lose” column each week this season.
- I have pessimistic tendencies - I try not to get my hopes up in most situations to spare myself disappointment if things don’t turn out the way I want. I’m wish I wasn’t this way and I’m always trying to turn my frown upside down, but these pessimistic qualities might really help me out with these pieces.
- I am a life-long Husker fan - I should have put this first, but it’s easier to just keep writing. Swap this with #1 if it helps you. I only mention this because I don’t want you to get the idea that I’m ROOTING for the Huskers to lose. I’m not.
- I’m very superstitious - Often I will turn off a game if I think I’m bringing my team bad luck. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to write these “5 reasons we’ll lose” articles. I’m hoping to use the old “reverse double jinx” each week by listing my five reasons. Ultimately insuring a perfect Husker season (hopefully).
- I don’t take things seriously- Many of these “reasons” will be utter bullshit, especially against the cupcakes. However, I’m guessing I will be able to come up with at least a couple of real reasons we might lose to Ohio State. If these things make you angry, keep in mind that your comments are one of the things I will not take seriously, but fire away if it makes you feel better!!!
- Mystery 5th reason- It’s a shame I had to burn this reason so early in the season. (Before I even got into the actual story). I could have saved it for one of the weeks where I can’t come up with anything. This might be a bad sign going forward. Oh well.
ON TO THE FIVE REASONS ARKANSAS STATE IS GOING TO RUIN THE HUSKERS SEASON IN WEEK ONE!
- The entire media is involved in a vast conspiracy filled with fake news- Everything I hear about this Husker team seems to be positive. More talent then ever! Riley finally has the right QB for his system! The energy at practice is off the charts! But WHAT IF THE MEDIA HAS BEEN LYING TO US! Drawing us in and filling us with hope, only to laugh to themselves in the press box as we discover Tanner Lee doesn’t even know which arm he throws with! (Sure, there is no real reason that the media would lie to us and I have no proof to back this assertion up, but people seem to buy this argument these days.)
- Someone sold the football team counterfeit eclipse sunglasses- I know what you are saying. “Another bizarre conspiracy theory”? Get used to it. I have to come up with seventy of these things. Now, we all know the path of totality ran right through Lincoln, so I’m sure some of the players checked out the eclipse. But WHAT IF THEY DIDN’T USE OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED ECLIPSE GLASSES. Or worse yet, WHAT IF THEY STARED DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN! (They wouldn’t be the only ones). If the Huskers end up dropping twenty or more passes, this is your reason.
- The NCAA will award week one victories based on alphabetical order - This makes about as much sense as anything else the NCAA does. And of course, it helps Alabama.
- The Huskers don’t have the depth to overcome injuries - Even though we have more talent (see reason 1), so much of it is unproven. If DPE and Morgan were to go down, what then? Or Kalu and Jackson? Or what if Freedom crashes into Riley and Tanner Lee while making a tackle and all three go down? See, you are worried now, aren’t you?
- It’s Your fault, reader - You got pissed off at reason #4 or one of the others and decided to write a mean comment about the entire concept of “5 reasons we will lose” and now as Karma you must feel the disappointment of a season-crushing, opening week upset loss. The good news is you can take action and root extra hard this Saturday night knowing that a Husker win will get you off the hook!
Authors note: I have no idea how I’m going to come up with 60 or so more of these. So if you have a crazy conspiracy theory about the Huskers this season, leave it in the comments! You may see it later on in the season right here!