CHOOSE TWO, THE REST ARE COMING FOR YOUR MASCOT HEAD
1. Purdue Pete with the sledgehammer seems like the move here as an opening bid. He has a sledgehammer, decent quickness, and at least a decade worth of losses as hateful motivation in any fight. The peripheral vision might be a concern, though. Pete does have his eyes mounted right at the front of his head and all his features squinched up in the middle of his face like an aging child star or conservative pundit.
2. The Mountaineer’s reload time is going to be awful with that musket. Counterpoint: the Mountaineer undoubtedly has a Knife somewhere on their person.
3. A five-pack of Sebastians isn’t a terrible call, but be advised: The gun is fake because probation is real and Sebastian really doesn’t want to go back to jail.
4. Only one Big Red, because no one is really sure what he’s capable of in the positive or the negative. ALSO: Highest chance of having a random poisonous fang secured somewhere in that weird, improbable red body.
5. The Lil’ Reds contain the grid’s most confusing balance of sheer terror mixed with absolutely no ability to do any damage whatsoever. Being attacked by a mob of inflatables would feel like falling to earth in a bounce house from 20,000 feet but never landing: Annoying, consistent, but in the end just sort of harmless. (See: Nebraska football since 2001.)
6. Tree might have a knife or a gun, but also Tree might just walk off and vibe or smoke some medical-grade weed and want to talk about crypto with their friends.
7. McConaughey: see above.
8. 8-Ball: also see above, modify everything after “walk off” with “and smoke PCP in a rental car shuttle while demanding to be taken to meet ‘the real Lady Antebellum, IMMEDIATELY, she’s expecting me at noon.’”
9. Shit maybe we should just go with the Duck.
Unpredictable, but if he shows up, someone’s ass is getting beat.