Jack Nowell's beautiful Barnet here - back after a hiatus of 2 years - still stuck inside Jack's stinking, hideous scrum-cap.
I had hoped that by now my adoring fans would have risen up and demanded my release but, alas, no. I remain incarcerated, hidden way from the public's gaze, imprisoned against my will inside that blue eyesore.
Young Jack tells me I should be happy that he hasn't gone all sensible and opted for the hipster look - all shaved back and sides and bushy beard like that delightful chap Haskell - and that I should be grateful that he now at least allows my rat-tail to poke out somewhat apologetically from inside the scrum-cap.
I suppose he's right. It's probably only a matter of time before he grows up and becomes respectable. Perhaps I ought to be satisfied with my lot.
But NO! Let's be honest here - I AM BEAUTIFUL and I demand RESPECT!
Come on people, write to the RFU, email your local MP, text the Queen - and SET ME FREE!!!