In the style of Bill Simmons…

Well, the other 1^st quarter journal worked out so well in Game 4 that I thought I would do it again.  Can’t change anything.  And can’t handle the amount of thoughts that go through my head during a game for FOUR quarters.  I might not get 49 points against Darth Vader and the Evil Empire/ Legion of Doom this time, but maybe it will give them good karma.  Let’s roll Bill Simmons style minus the pay, interns, and no other job thing.

THE JOURNAL OF GAME 5 (first quarter-posted after editing at halftime)

• There is that Matthew McConaughey commercial again.   Sucks.  But we had it the other night.   Good sign.  Get rid of these commercials before football season, ok?   Boom.
• Mark Jackson talking. Scary he could be, and SHOULD be, heading up this Warriors ship right now.
• (praying for another Van Gundy Kardashian rant tonight. PRAYING!)
• Kind of was hoping for a heavy hitter on the anthem, but just got some random quality nobodies.  They sounded good though.
• Another thoughtful Steve Kerr locker room speech.   Quiet.  Personal.
• No word yet whether the Cavs brought in the cast from Hoosiers.
• And here we GO! Tip (and my journal).
• Touch foul to begin. They almost have to after the last game ugliness.  We will see if that continues.
• Tristan Thompson scores, meaning I have to run out and see if there is also a lunar eclipse going on right now.
• There wasn’t.
• Durant scores first FG. Nice drive.  Kind of a good player.  I HATE that he is earning this shit.
• 4-3 Cavs.
• Uh-oh. Don’t need that.  Draymond Green from three.  Let the pure shooters score, but NO big game from HIM.
• Draymond fouled after turnover. Yeah, TO by Cavs not good, and Draymond being aggressive not good.
• How did Bill Simmons DO this? He must have written it AFTERWARDS.  I am already exhausted.  But my fingers on the keyboard look like an admin superhero.
• 9-4 after a three, AND a TO. No blowout, LeBron.  Don’t go there.
• Foul on James. Well, things can’t be going any WORSE 2 minutes unto the game, right?
• JR Smith took it to the RIM from the arc. Weird.  Running out again to see if a lunar eclipse is happening.
• There isn’t still.
• Pachulia gets a foul called. Two fouls on Love.  He sits.  As the old line says, if Pachulia is beating you, you have many, many other problems.  Confucius I believe.  Or Plato.
• LeBron does what he has to do every time. EVERY time.  Attack the rim.  Score and fouled.
• 9-9 (deep breath).
• Irving scores, LeBron steals and scores, and Warriors timeout. What was I worried about?  Everything will be just fine (another very, very deep breath).
• 13-9 Cavs.
• Tina Fey commercial. I hope they play the airplane one next.  I always feel like good things happen after that one.  I will take the restaurant commercial for now.
• Planet of the Apes commercial. So, Marky Mark stopped doing this movie and started doing Transformers years ago?  Got it.  I get behind here and there.  There are life penalties to only listening to sports radio and watching sports on TV.
• Is Megan Fox still in Transformers? Just asking questions while breathing at a commercial.  Leave me alone.  She is hot.  That’s it.
• Boy Band commercial. Isn’t this show like 20 years late?    Oh shit.  I am old.  30 years late?  I feel proud to wear cargo shorts again.
• Durant scores on a layup. He is like the real skinny, longer stride, less intimidating version of LeBron driving.  I still feel like his knees could buckle at any time and give us Louisville guy, Paul George Version III.  Don’t want to see it of course, but he is SOOOO skinny.  But, I guess it is kind of the perfect bball body.  Stilts.
• Tristan Thompson scores. Lots of energy.  Not running outside to see if there is a lunar eclipse this time.  Just assuming he is finally earning his massive contract he gets for no output.
• LeBron has ten after a three. 18-11.  6:50 left.  Like this.  A lot.
• Jefferson fouls Durant before an inbound pass. I feel like this is Kevin Costner in Bull Durham teaching the young kids how it used to be done in 1963.
• James again. 5-6.  12 pts.
• Irving.  Don’t limp.  We need you.  Don’t limp.  Good foul on Durant.  Can’t allow a third layup.
• The Warriors crowd just cheered Pachulia as he went to bench. Maybe they are rooting him sitting down.  Maybe he is playing well.  We will never know.
• Two fouls on Klay. Touch foul.  I will take it.
• I feel like there are very few commercials in this first quarter. I am getting less breaths, and feel like I am funny during commercials.
• Durant scores. This is LeBron vs. Durant thus far.  Cavs still up.
• Gray area foul on Warriors on LeBron miss on Durant. Two on him.  At least the refs want a seven game series.
• Timeout Cavs, but still up.
• (deep breaths)
• These Spiderman commercials.  I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall when they voted on the new Spiderman movie name.  HOMECOMING?  Come on.  Weak and then some.
• (some weird barber shop commercial for iPhone-iPhone sucks, people-go with Droid-I am out of my contract but my phone camera is SO awesome I am waiting out the Pixel II)
• ANOTHER new commercial. A monster commercial for a Honda minivan.    Way to break the barriers for people with 13 kids.  I choose to travel with Lindsey for life and not hire babysitters.
• Just cat and hopefully dog, pig, wolf, and llama sitters.
• Tristan Thompson scores on a rebound. This is meant to be.
• JR Smith just blocked a Draymond Green inside shot. This is meant to be.  And another Irving impossible bank shot on other end.
• 26-22 Cavs.
• Irving again after Curry scores, and then Curry steps out of bounds. I am starting to hum songs with “believe” in their title.
• What is JR Smith in the lane for? Why?  Just shoot your silly off balance shots from 30 feet.  That is what we love about you.  And then Livingston scores.  Not good when the role players are scoring from the Warriors.  Livingston is kind of like a really tall Tinsley.  Go deep, people.  Deep.
• Yes, I know I am on an emotional seesaw right now explaining what I am seeing. That should be a cliché.  “Emotional Seesaw.”  Anyone got that one?  I claim it.
• On second thought, SOMEONE had to already grab that one.  Noted.
• LeBron gets a touch foul drawn. Listen, IF they call touch fouls this whole game, advantage LeBron.  He will foul out the entire team on his OWN.
• How many interns DID Bill Simmons have? This is tough.  Just asking questions.
• I type so fast when I blog, especially when I do a journal when not looking at the keyboard.  I am a blogging superhero.  Seriously.
• Oh, Shumpert. CATCH the ball, and THEN make a move.
• Korver gets HIS second foul when Curry does the jump sideways three point fake pump fake shot. Korver, you are slow.  Don’t leave your feet.
• And that rule is dumb, refs.
• Korver and Jefferson must go out for drinks after games and talk about the old times.
• CURRY MISSED A FREE THROW. Running outside for that lunar eclipse.
• Not happening, of course, the sun is still out, so these lunar eclipse jokes are kind of just for effect.
• 30-27. 1:27.  Good foul to stop a fast break by Deron Williams.  Listen, if you can’t score in like four months, at least give good fouls.
• Another touch foul. TIGHT, tight calls.
• Curry hit the rim on a free throw. I believe.
• Kevin Love really screwed this up by getting two fouls early.
• ANOTHER touch foul. At least they are calling these both ways?
• Their feet literally just ran into each other by chance.
• Seriously, I have to sign off soon at the end of quarter. IF they continue to call touch fouls, advantage Irving and James.
• Stop scoring, Livingston.  You are a Magic Johnson sized PG who never came close to Magic Johnson.
• WOW! Irving just TRIED to get the weird sideways three point foul, they didn’t call it, but he made it anyway.  A sign?
• JR Smith from where he should be scoring from. Behind the arc.  Off balance.  Questionable shot.  Yay.
• Cavs 62% from field, quarter done, not 49 points, but still a solid first quarter. Cavs lead.  Enjoy the game.  I am OUT (except for my here and there parentheses comments).
• Plus, I am not stupid.  They are in Oakland.  This still could just be a nice beginning and get UGLY quickly.  Hope it doesn’t.  Peace again.
• Watch I sign out and the Warriors go on a death run.  Whatever.

(Actually, not posting other comments.  I am just posting this, and will have stuff to write about tomorrow when the wife is at book club.  Enjoy the game.)

THE PRE-GAME BLOG (done from 640-7pm before game because I always have too much to say)

• Greg sent this to me and it is hilarious. On Kimmel, Jimmy had Aaron Judge, the best young hitter in baseball AND a great guy, interview some Yankees fans who had NO idea who he was.  Great stuff.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKXhSZjMYIk
• I see all these different distances for his weekend home run, but it was over 490 and it was a ROCKET. Dude is a stud.
• Moving quickly here guys.   GOT has less episodes but LONGER episodes.  I will take it.  Of course, I guess I have to, right.  Anyway, people who don’t watch GOT are…weird.  http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/06/game-of-thrones-season-7-episode-length-super-sized-finale?mbid=social_thrill
• Two UVA hitters went in the top 10 in the MLB draft. Bryce and Mike Trout are my guys (one because of quotes and one because he is a Millville, NJ guy), but hello, Adam Haseley.  UVA AND PHILS?  You have your first fan.
• The Twins must know what they are doing, because I would have jumped all over Hunter Greene at #1, whether you needed a pitcher OR hitter.  They didn’t.  Hope Royce is a HOF’er.
• Clemson was very well behaved in front of our asinine President today at the White House. Thanks for playing along with that weird Commando/ Over the Top handshake Trump gave you, Deshaun.
• Well, I know you won’t read this until AFTER this game, but I was going to hold off betting tonight on the game, but then I had a cocktail and thought 9 points was too much. LeBron is not going down like that, even in Oakland.  Took Cavs for a solid amount.
• If the Warriors and Durant have to win the title, can Dennis Rodman at least somehow make North Korea an ally in his latest trip announced today?
• Once again, my new thing. If I say in a conversation, nicer me or NOT, “I’ve got an idea…” that means I am about to say something very, very rude to someone in that conversation who is irritating me.  I would give you an example, but that would ruin the fun.
• I did the incline Saturday for second time. Legs less sore than I expected today, and the thing is as hard as I remembered.  Not for amateurs.  My height thing kicks in here and there, but more irritating are the small steps for someone who wears 14’s.  I have to scale the steps in those moments like it is a ladder.  Ping me if you want pics of the thing.
• I did the Terror-Dactyl Sunday. I don’t enjoy heights, although I have done everything you can do from heights…bungee jumping, skydiving, zipline, cliff diving, etc.  Anyway, Lindsey bought the video as apparently I am “funny” during the ride.  Look for it on FB from her.  It is basically a swing version of bungee jumping.
• Y’all DO realize that if the Cavs win tonight, we have a SEVEN game series, right?
• I know  Probably won’t happen.
• And my betting is RIGHT back in line.
• I am already invested in the series, right.
• Shit, I should have hedged,  That was dumb.  Whoops.
• SO excited for this game. Lindsey is on a party bus to Red Rocks so I can go crazy on my own in the house.
• My “crazy” is sitting quiet on my couch staring at my huge TV.
• Of course, my basketball knowledge guy part of me KNOWS this is either a Cavs win or more probably a Warriors BLOWOUT.
• Joe Flacco is a happy guy. Maclin chooses the Ravens.  Nice pickup.
• Glad Vince Young is playing football again (in the CFL), but just ride your college legend into the sunset, bro. Ain’t going to happen.
• Did you work hard today? I did.  Eddie Lacy just made $55k today for being under 250 lbs on a scale.  What a life HE lives.  Hasn’t even run a play yet this year.
• My GNR tickets fell apart today. Need to buy my own, which I will.  It would be wrong for someone who has Sweet Child O’Mine literally IN his heart and soul to not get good tickets to THAT on August 2.
• Lindsey and I sang, after rallying from exhaustion from doing the incline in the Springs hours before, and brought the house down in karaoke the other night. We are karaoke through and through.  No broken mic’s during my air guitar.  Small successes.
• AND Dublin’s in the Springs is a Pittsburgh bar. If ONLY I liked other Steelers fans.  I don’t.  Just the team.
• I live in CO and I know it is in Lake Tahoe, and is THAT why I find this so funny? http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/pay-no-attention-to-this-man-1796009302
• I am not a hookah bar guy, but I might be now. Been to one before Saturday night.  I sat next to this guy in a quiet atmosphere watching The Campaign randomly.    We had to pick another movie, and he chose John Wick.  Why didn’t someone TELL me that the whole plot of why he gets pissed off at everyone is because someone kills his beagle puppy?  Note to self.  Watch John Wick I and II this weekend.
• Lindsey and I did Watermelon Mint.
• I would post pics of my exciting spontaneous weekend, but am too rushed right now. Since I don’t post shit on FB, guess you have to hope I post it in future blogs OR contact me for access to the pics since I am a total user of Google Drive these days.  My life is now Google.
• I just need to put all of my music on Google and I am a one device kind of guy.
• Lost in the celebration of the Pens survival mode of winning the Stanley Cup is the fact that Nashville had one of the most memorable underdog Stanley Cup runs in recent memory.
• Sidney Crosby DID though advance from a great, great player to a three title LEGEND.
• I remember in 2004 when Sebastian Telfair was the next coming. Shoe deal before he got drafted.  Bag, chips, everything.  Anyway, now I just wonder why he is carrying so many guns in Brooklyn…again.  And I thought I underachieved in life.
• Still need a running mate (using my Campaign reference) for Widespread Panic. It is like Paul Rudd from I Love You Man before he met Sydney.  Call me.  I will go by myself.  Done it 30 times before, but more fun with someone.  110th concert I think.
• I am not a modest individual by nature, and therefore LOVE the Pats added insult to injury by making their Super Bowl ring exactly 283 diamonds. If you don’t know why, perhaps you either know me or are reading the wrong blog.  That is.
• Lindsey is loving that on road trips after she drove for like five years, I volunteer to drive EVERYWHERE. I love my car so much.  I could sell $3 million this year at my job.  I would not buy anything else.  2005 4Runner until it dies, which it won’t.
• Well, we were in a rush before the incline, and I didn’t have time to lay down Belmont bets. Good call.  I am literally the worst horse better of all time.  You could BANK by choosing every other horse that I DON’T pick.
• I start writing for Rotoden in less than a week. That is exciting for you because I have to write one single FOCUSED, non itemized blog a week.  It will be exciting for both of us.  Just will copy and paste.
• Yes, it is still the Nadal Open. Glad to see MY guy back on top IN style.  Stan is no pushover.  Scary that it is only the SECOND least lost games ever, but TEN is still a LOT.
• I still think the pitching staff is questionably young, but DAMN am I hopping on the Rockies bandwagon. Great little blurb on them in SI one issue ago.  Look for the trends article.
• I wanted to include pics. I wanted to say more.  But, it is about time to tip off.  Gotta GO.
• Maybe I will even post this on FB again, because that is pretty much the only reason I use FB until I can start hyping myself on Rotoden.
• Hope you enjoyed or are at least more informed. Will I blog again?  That is a CLOWN question, bro.