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Preview 2018: Wrap

Preview 2018: Wrap Brian September 1st, 2018 at 12:18 PM

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Hello. You have made it to the end. Apologies for the slippage this year. There is a certain kind of despondency you can only feel when your OL post is struggling to get under 10,000 words and you decide you just have to split it up. I have felt this despondency. This year's preview checks in at 53,433 words, give or take the tags. I should probably count them since I typed them but I forgot to so now it's gone.

STUFF I STEPPED ON

Preview: Notre Dame. Seth watched ND's spring game as part of his research.

Punt/Counterpunt. Welcome Internet Raj, who's from the internet, everybody!

THE STORY

Lie Back And Think Of Iowa. How can we football when the football is an atrocity machine?

OFFENSE

Quarterback. When I say "TATE" you say "FORCIER" where are you all going

Running Back. Speedy and Bleedy.

Wide Receiver. Quit stepping on Tarik's foot and throw it to Grant Perry. FFS!

Tight End And Friends. Dominant traits.

Tackles. The balsa wood holding up the whole damn building.

Interior OL. Cesar and His Large Friends.

5Q5A: Offense. The Warinner impact. How will Harbaugh spread?

DEFENSE

Defensive End. I need clips. Give me clips.

Defensive Tackle. If we can't believe this hype, what hype can we believe?

Linebacker. People had doubts about my squirrel-man interbreeding project but look at me no-

Cornerback. Ben Wallace, the unit.

Safety. Not great, but goodish!

5Q5A: Defense. I don't have any questions? So I turn statements into questions? Making sentences that are spectacularly annoying to read? Because your internal monologue raises its pitch at the end of them?

MISCELLANEOUS

Special Teams. Someone punt it good plz.

Podcast 10.0A. Podcast 10.0B. Podcast 10.0C. wsg Seth.

MGoRadio 4.0. I don't remember doing this.

Heuristics and Stupid Prediction. 10-2.

ELSEWHERE

This Blog has been around for Ten Years Good Grief Also It Is College Football Season, BYCTOM

College football offers a great backdrop for writing because it is impossible and insane.  There's the serious articles about the various ways that college football remains profoundly fucked up and morally  indefensible-- an elaborate system of inflicting brain traumas on unpaid teenagers that is somehow simultaneously a lawless free-for-all where institutions hide grievous and even unthinkable crimes and an impossibly intricate parallel justice system where players are monitored at all times for accepting a five dollar milk shake with an enforcement branch dedicated to investigating the unauthorized sale of game-worn pants.  The entire thing is something out of Kafka.

The sport breeds colorful characters at all levels because it has evolved to turn itself into a network of unquestioned fiefdoms under the two types of people who absolutely should not be in charge of anything: college football coaches and people who give shitloads of money to college football programs so they can be Football Big Shots.

The Birds Who Die Each Autumn, Crimson Quarry.

After the rains of the monsoon season have subsided, thousands of disoriented birds descend onto the small village of Jatinga, India.

TIGER, Spencer Hall.

The Tulane students did nothing right. They chained the trailer to their car poorly, letting Mike’s trailer roll free and untethered at one point, very nearly losing him before they chased it down. A cop stopped them, but the students somehow convinced him they were providing an escort to campus for the big cat before the game.

Please let me write that again: A New Orleans cop pulled over a car towing a tiger through town at something like 2 in the morning and did nothing to investigate the matter further. Normal place, normal people, normal cops.

------------------------------

Here is the answer to the question looming above next to The Story: they dicked with the band. The Michigan Marching Band won't play pregame and has been flung to the very boonies of the stadium tonight, and all concerns about how our great American pastime are immediately subsumed by a burning desire to see Notre Dame humiliated beyond reason, to see them beaten so badly that everyone except me turns the television off.

These days the offseason is eight months of increasing disgust at the college football's parasitic scaffolding. It's not that it was better in the past—less hypocritical maybe. It's that there was less leverage.

I turned on the Purdue-Northwestern game grudgingly. But did you know Purdue now has a 5'3" guy with seven legs, none of which you can grab? And that Pat Fitzgerald put his starting quarterback with NFL draft hype on a "pitch count" so he could play the exact same guy except younger and not so good? And it worked?

Aw, hell. 45 minutes into Purdue-Northwestern and there goes the righteousness. Then it's nine PM on Friday and Utah State is driving for the lead. For some reason the MSU students are chanting "Fuck Harbaugh" as they do this. The scaffolding is there because the great tower of ridiculous fun it surrounds conquers all. Let's fight to make it better; to abandon it would be a crime.

23089817510_e50e357fac_z

[Bryan Fuller]

Go Blue.

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The Fugitive

September 1st, 2018 at 12:34 PM ^

ND currently +2.5.

GotBlueOnMyMind

September 1st, 2018 at 12:35 PM ^

Hail yeah!

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CLion

September 1st, 2018 at 12:38 PM ^

"For some reason the MSU students are chanting "Fuck Harbaugh" as they do this."

I assume this is a joke but don't even know. Either way, Go Blue! 

(also #4 for Purdue was a treat to watch)

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In reply to "For some reason the MSU… by CLion

Yo_Blue

September 1st, 2018 at 1:59 PM ^

Nope. Not a joke. We are so in their heads they won't even pay attention to what is in front of them.

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In reply to Nope. Not a joke. We are so… by Yo_Blue

yossarians tree

September 1st, 2018 at 4:58 PM ^

"an elaborate system of inflicting brain traumas on unpaid teenagers that is somehow simultaneously a lawless free-for-all where institutions hide grievous and even unthinkable crimes and an impossibly intricate parallel justice system where players are monitored at all times for accepting a five dollar milk shake with an enforcement branch dedicated to investigating the unauthorized sale of game-worn pants.  The entire thing is something out of Kafka."

It is satisfying when I find that the writings of a learned doctor line up perfectly with my sense of irony and moral outrage. Thanks!

Profile picture for user UofM Die Hard in Seattle

In reply to Nope. Not a joke. We are so… by Yo_Blue

UofM Die Hard …

September 1st, 2018 at 6:02 PM ^

I thought the same. 1st game and they are chanting about us.  Hahahaha 

pretty little brother esk 

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Vasav

September 1st, 2018 at 12:38 PM ^

Dammit Brian this post makes me noice how dusty this room is

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stephenrjking

September 1st, 2018 at 12:48 PM ^

It's not perfect. There are people involved in college football and people are selfish and corrupt. The hypocrisy of the institutions represented by the teams is often on full display. 

But in the end it is players and fans and noise and strategy and athleticism and tradition. It's guys like Grant Newsome and Larry Prout Jr. It's colors and music and drama and achievement.

It's a dad, alive and energetic, taking his son; all bundled up, full of energy, to a full game against Purdue. The son looking around in awe as they walk through the tunnel into that huge bowl. The father teaching him when to raise his fist, how to make noise on third down. Pointing out Coach Shembechler and the band and the helmets and the wide receiver in motion on that old punishing astroturf. It's a rout.

The father and his young son hustle back to the car. Happy.

It's a son taking his father; old, riddled with cancer, dying, to one last football game together against Washington. The son's fist rises above the head in perfect rhythm to the Victors as the father struggles to follow. Slowly descending the mere three rows of stairs to the exit as the clock ticks down, to beat the crowd as he can barely walk. Waiting there for the end of the game. Watching as a hapless Phil Brabbs trots on the field for one more shot at a field goal. 

Watching the ball from directly behind its path. It's high. It's long. 

It's good. 

The son and his old father hobble back to the car. Happy.

College football is wonderful.

Go Blue.

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In reply to It's not perfect. There are… by stephenrjking

GRMaizenBlue

September 1st, 2018 at 12:58 PM ^

Nailed it. To hell with the rest. 

In reply to It's not perfect. There are… by stephenrjking

Hops

September 1st, 2018 at 1:40 PM ^

All the points. Especially since this is the first season that my oldest son may began to appreciate what is happening in a football game beyond repeatedly asking me the score. 

MDSup3rDup3

September 1st, 2018 at 12:59 PM ^

"Cornerback. Ben Wallace, the unit." My life is now complete. Well done and Go Blue!

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Michigan Arrogance

September 1st, 2018 at 1:09 PM ^

 Let's fight to make it better; to abandon it would be a crime.

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In reply to  Let's fight to make it… by Michigan Arrogance

M-Dog

September 1st, 2018 at 3:23 PM ^

Amen.

The thing itself doesn't need to be better.  If we can just keep all the crap around it at bay.

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CRISPed in the DIAG

September 1st, 2018 at 1:18 PM ^

Good shit, Brian.

bluebyyou

September 1st, 2018 at 1:39 PM ^

Good work putting all this stuff together for us.

Was the banner supposed to change today?

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JWG Wolverine

September 1st, 2018 at 1:40 PM ^

We love you Brian Cook!

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In reply to We love you Brian Cook! by JWG Wolverine

yossarians tree

September 1st, 2018 at 4:55 PM ^

Yeoman's work. Lots of knowledge. At times I actually get embarrassed watching games with other Michigan fans who don't know nearly as much about the team as I do, all because I read the blog and listen to the podcast.

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ruthmahner

September 1st, 2018 at 1:52 PM ^

I love this and all the now-it's-football-season content, but I miss "Guess The Score, Win Stuff".  I never won stuff, but hey, it was fun to try.  And to see other people's predictions.  But I'm a slow learner, and I admit I'm still figuring out the new site, so maybe I missed it.  At any rate, my prediction, less than 24 hours ahead of kickoff so utterly irrelevant, is good guys 31, fig things 9.

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Goggles Paisano

September 1st, 2018 at 2:21 PM ^

Well done guys!  

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jsquigg

September 1st, 2018 at 2:29 PM ^

Karma is either a lie or does not exist in competition.



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