The Bay Area may be imploding beyond recognition as housing prices skyrocket, regional train service BART becomes increasingly unreliable and unaffordable, and homeless encampments spill into city streets.

We awake this morning to learn that international conglomerate Nestlé, makers of Nescafe and those delicious non-trendy Stouffer’s frozen pizzas that one buys at Walgreens, has acquired a majority share of venture-backed Blue Bottle Coffee to enter what is now being called without humor or irony the high-end artisanal coffee market.

This will allow Nestlé, says Reuters, to plunge into “the hipster world of speciality bars that serve high-end, single-origin and cold brewed coffees.”

This market caters to mostly young, urban customers who have grown up on Starbucks but have progressed to more exotic drinks coaxed from hand-operated espresso machines or non-traditional brewers by expert baristas.”

Soon, thanks to an influx of corporate capital, the entire world will be able to experience the exact same sense of individualism that comes with staring at the drip-drip-drip of their own personal cup of coffee being made just for them.