It’s that time of year again, when thoughts turn to Christmas and that annual dilemma of what to buy friends and family.
Buying Christmas presents for your partner however, can prove even more of a minefield, especially if you are the kind of man that finds gift buying an ordeal.
This is the time of year when many husbands and boyfriends break out in cold sweats trying to figure out just the right gift to give their wives and girlfriends, so they won’t end up in the doghouse!
First of all start by making a a list of all the things you’ve been thinking of getting her. When you are through, light the list on fire and toss it into the fireplace. Make sure the flue is open!
Think harder and make another list. Spend some time on it. More time than say, the half-time break during a televised football match.
Ok, now look over the list and mark out anything that:
(a) requires an extension cord, (b) you’d enjoy using as much or more than she would, (c) can only be purchased in a hardware store or petrol station, or (d) in any way implies that you don’t like her body, her hair, or her mother. If there’s anything left on the list, mark it out too.
Good, now we’re getting somewhere! This time, make a list of what your partner enjoys doing in her spare time, when she’s not working, raising the kids, doing chores or returning the gifts you got her for her birthday. Add as many things as you can; try to get the list up to at least two items.
When choosing a gift for your wife consider how she will interpret the meaning behind your gift. If in doubt, ask one of her friends or don’t run the risk.
What men don’t understand about gift buying for their wife is........women see the creativity, effort and gift itself as a direct reflection of how much her partner loves her. Men see a gift as a gift! Whether you think it makes sense or not, in general, there is a lot riding on your gift choice – so if you are not planning on taking up residence in the dog house take your gift buying seriously!
What weirder way to let her know you care than to give her the ability to pee standing up. Yes, yes, yes, it's hilarious that this product exists, but it's for hiking, camping or for women with hip problems. So as funny as it may be when you place the order on a drunken night of online shopping, it probably won't be as much fun explaining this one on a sober Christmas morning.
Exercise Equipment or Gym Membership:
I don’t care if your chunky wife keeps mentioning how bad she wants to get in shape and she needs a treadmill – she will hate you forever if you stick that baby under the tree. It’s one thing to encourage her big booty to get to the gym and work off her 'baby weight,' but it’s another to stick something under the tree that screams, "You need to slim that lard ass of yours down!"
A Stripper Pole:
It does happen! The wife of a friend of mine took a stripper class to get into shape and her husband shoved a pole under the tree the next year. I know you’re just dying to see what goes on in those classes and you want to see your lady’s new-found talents, but installing one of these in your house will only ensure your disappointment, plus she will have all the ammo she needs to start accusing you of going to strip clubs all the time and not being happy with the 'real' woman in your life.
Fake Designer Anything:
Not quite as bad as a stripper pole, but still lacking in thought.
Buying your wife/girlfriend a fake Ralph Lauren or a fake Gucci handbag is wrong in so many ways!
Do not buy anything off the back of a lorry, or from from a guy named Burt or a woman called Snow Bunny. They will tell you what you want to hear - "this plastic bag is an authentic designer handbag worth £400, yours for £19.99."
Do not believe them, don't fall for it, don't buy it!
Underwear: (Particularly Smart Ass thongs, Sexy Santa lingerie or Shaping underwear)
A line of novelty thong underwear emblazoned
with 'hilarious' messages like
'gold digger,' 'control freak,' and 'desperate housewife'............because nothing says "I love you deeply" like personalized panties.
As for Sexy Santa lingerie - stop, take a long hard look at yourself and think is that on her Christmas wish list, or yours.........? And really, do you want to be reminded of a fat guy with a beard when you look at your girlfriend?
When it comes to Shaping Underwear, anything that suggests that the recipient is anything less than perfect will go down like a lead balloon!
A bedroom ceiling mirror may seem like an awesome idea at first, but do you really want her to get a good view of your hairy or spotty back.
Plus don’t actively encourage her to call you a pervert or think you want her to invite her best friend to join you in the bedroom! The bonus? She might actually love this if she’s into decorating, but if you’re banking on it going up over the bed, you might be disappointed when you come home and see it above the dresser.
Car Related Items:
Buying her anything for her car isn’t for her........it’s for you. She doesn’t care that she has no sense of direction, that her car is messy. She doesn’t use that sunshield thingy and she certainly won’t use one of those scraper devices to remove ice, because she will lose it in the mess of her car. She will end up scraping her windows with a credit card like she’s done since the day she was first able to drive.
The last thing your woman wants to open up on Christmas morning is a reminder of the huge meal she has to prepare all by herself (mainly because your lazy ass is already drunk from over indulgence the night before)
Unless your significant other is an aspiring chef or just loves to cook and create new dishes frequently, a cookbook is a gift that could be taken the wrong way. They're fun to browse through at first, but quickly loose their appeal, only to be stuck on a shelf to collect dust.
Yes, I have heard of this happening and I think it is both a cruel and psychopathic way to behave at Christmas. If you are going to end the marriage, don't ruin Christmas and scar her for the rest of her life by handing her a set of divorce papers. Get it over with at least a month before or after Christmas. At least then she can buy her own Christmas present, or get a refund in the January sales!
The clock is ticking and Christmas will be here before you know it. Now that you know a few of the things you should not purchase, how do you know what would be a great gift?
Be a good understudy to your partner. Listen carefully to what she says. Pay attention to the things she enjoys and the way she spends her time. Does she enjoy weekend breaks, being pampered, reading a good book, going to the movies, eating out or crazy outdoor activities?
You might even try asking her to give you a list of things she would like for Christmas. (Note: wives/girlfriends/partners, if your other half asks you to make a list of things you would like for Christmas, please do it. Don’t respond with, "If you don’t know what to buy me for Christmas, I am certainly not going to tell you.")
Men, with a little investigative work you can uncover some helpful hints that will guide you in your gift buying.
If all else fails and you are still at a loss it isn’t against the rules to ask her to accompany you on a shopping spree, to find the perfect gift.
Good luck guys!