We all have at least one or two people-pleasers in our life. We can recognize them as those overly nice, helpful, accommodating individuals who’ll go out of their way to be there for everyone else. Understanding People-Pleasers We think of people-pleasers as basically decent folks who are trying too hard to be nice. The Truth is that there’s a dark truth about their behavior, which is readily explained by their underlying motivations. People-pleasers are all driven by one singular need. They’re helpful, ingratiating, accommodating and placating out of a powerful desire for affection and approval. People-pleasers have low self-esteem and depend on others to boost it. Instead of taking responsibility for building up their self-worth, they turn to everyone else to make them feel better about themselves. In that sense, people-pleasers are users, only being nice so that they can get what they want from the people they’re helping. People-pleasers don’t give from the heart; their generosity has strings attached. Every seemingly kind gesture has an ulterior motive; every instance of altruism comes out of an underlying need for affirmation and validation. In essence, people-pleasers are users like any other person who manipulates or exploits. The difference is that what they’re seeking — love, approval, validation — isn’t inherently bad, compared to some of the users out there. Some users have dark desires, exploiting other people to gain money, power, sex or other advantages. People-pleasers aren’t anywhere that bad, but they’re still functioning on a transactional level. People relate to each other in some different ways. We can be empathetic, acting out of caring and kindness, or we can be defensive, assuming that others are out to hurt us and always trying to protect ourselves. We can be oppressive, trying to dominate and control others to serve our purposes, or...

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