So today I have been evaluating my behaviours for the previous Ten Years, and in all that time I have noticed that there has been a common theme, the reason that I have decided to give myself an evaluation is because it is ten years since I was pronounced psychotic and diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I am commitment phobic; that is that I am afraid of commitment and not just to women or relationships. In the past 10 years I have purchased close to 1000 books with the intent to read them, some I have begun to read but far from accomplishing this task. I have enrolled in an expensive photography course and then 3 months later dropped out because I had too many distractions in my life at that time. I seem to engage for a while and then I seem to fatigue easily and give up. I have recently begun to learn how to read and write Greek, and the thing is that I need to learn Greek for the future and I can’t seem to get in gear and commit to it, troublingly, I have also noticed that I haven’t been committing to my job.
Apart from wasting close to 20 thousand dollars, and taking up precious floor space I haven’t achieved what I was hoping for, not only that I am stuck in a kind of self sabotage vortex that seems to suck the life out of anything wholesome and new. I think that I am not perfect at the best of times but I believe that the negative symptoms of my illness are destroying any chance I have at having a normal life. Allow me to explain, Schizophrenia is quite a complex disease, it has both positive or evident elements and negative or not so evident elements, for example, a positive symptom would be “hearing voices ”not that I hear voices although my hallucinations are much more subtle. A negative symptom would be seeking to be alone and away from social interactions. There are many symptoms both positive and negative and not all schizophrenia's tick all the boxes. Some people with this disease may only have a couple of symptoms of this disease but whatever the case is, this disease is a disruption from normality.
So I know that it is not my fault but I need help, I think that medications that I am taking are doing the job required, I just need to find some fun in my life, like a partner (Girlfriend), and perhaps a social group of guys that will meet for drinks on Friday nights. Although once again I feel a certain amount of fear around these social activities, I don’t want to feel that I am being judged. That is when my commitment falters and I just convince myself that I am better off without a social life. I have started so many things and never had the nous to finish them. Though for the time being I hide behind my illness and in the long term I am suffering from solitude. Once again I must remind myself that I live with my parents and I am not alone, but that is not the same as a supportive social network.
I want to be healthy happy and whole, and to do that, I need support, for a long time I was a loner and in retrospect I believe I had been undiagnosed; I felt that I was different from everyone else, I always thought that I had something wrong with me but nothing serious happened until I was 28 years of age. I have said in the past that I am a monk, and I quite literally am, I have been celibate since 1997, I have never engaged in a relationship with a woman that was not platonic, I reflect on life daily, I believe that the spiritual life will ultimately lead to wholeness, although to achieve wholeness one must be educated and open minded, and being philosophical helps. I like retrospective thinking and learning from the past however I also believe that we need to live in the present and look to the future, and that is exactly what I am doing.