It’s been a few days since I wrote, and what a roller coaster it’s been.

I’ve been mentored by a Wim Hof practitioner over the past few weeks. It’s been a profound journey, one which I’m grateful for going through. The last few days have left me dealing with an avalanche of emotions ranging from worry for those whom I love, to feelings of not being loved as a child. Having parents who never regularly said the words “I love you,” to you, can mess you up. Take it from me.

A question bugging me was who were my enemies? I don’t particularly like the word “enemy” because of the negative connotation it carries. It’s something you must destroy, and can be a thing, or person, or process even. This is why I don’t like using it, but the idea pervaded itself into my mind more often than I’d like. Naturally, I had to write about it because I’m an idiot and I need to write about things to understand, or rationalise them.

Imagine you’re in the dark. You’re attacked by enemies you cannot see but whose presence you feel. You’ know they’re there. You know they can break you, and so, every time you’re attacked you strike back, keeping them at bay. As you resist, the fight becomes harder. You commit more energy toward them. You fight harder. Try different tactics. Eventually you’re exhausted and cannot fight. Your energy is spent and you must find other sources to overcome the enemy, and so resist further. You become despondancy and your motivation fades. There is no willpower left.

And so, you stop reacting. You realise that as you move, so too does your enemy. So you mirror them in every step they take, you become them. Now you stop and wait.

Instead of acting, watch them. This time you take the lead and stay still. They don’t move and you don’t hear any sound, feel anything. Now your curiosity is piqued. So you start to become more still. Instead of acting on your emotions, you realise your energy was sapped slowly but surely by reactionary behaviour. Slowly the darkness fades and you begin to see that your enemy looks much like you, but different. This is your alter-ego, your dark side. Eventually it becomes impatient and starts to strike – but you’re not hurting, and the blows go through you because you’re allowing yourself to feel them instead of avoiding. Eventually your alter-ego dissolves into you, becoming you, not the other way around.

I learned that my emotions work in a very, very similar fashion. I need to feel them, perhaps use them as a guide, but above all else – watch them and acknowledge them. I found that I was a mental construct, and any adaptability I failed at, was on me. I was the maker of my own choices, I chose to see myself in the way I wanted to. I chose not to learn when I needed to. I chose not to better myself when I could have. I, therefore does not exist. All those reactions, feelings, perceptions. I created them. I am my choices. Yes, the world acted upon me, but I acted too.

That’s why I could not write for the past few days. Who was my enemy? The thing which I created in my mind, which I called me.

Thank you for reading.