I am feeling the above.  Even in this awakening experience where I align fully with so very few……  The cost of gas here is set to go up over $6 we were told which means a full fill up will be over $100.  Apparently this plann is to slowly drip to awaken people and starve and impinge as many as possible.  I would have been FINE seeing it all crash 20…25…30 years ago.  So as always, the plan doesn’t jive or vibe much with me.

Seems with each of us – we all have our own feeeels opinions thoughts on the experience here.  This often results in me asking more questions.  For instance, healers who are able to reconnect us to our higher selves or other parts of ourselves, has me ask the obvious:  who separated us to begin with and why?  I’ve been to several healers over the years and decades and not once has any of them been able to answer that question other than to say we agreed to it or that is not for us to know, blah blah frigging blah.

Then some think we are doing this alone (with a mind wipe, without knowing where the hell we are much less who we really are or wtf even happened to allow this to begin with) but sure – we’re doing this on our own without ANY FRIGGING INFORMATION.  That’s like telling someone locked in a prison they gotta figure out the lock mechanism (because after all, we agreed to this – at some level that the us here has NO CONCEPT or MEMORY of).

Then there’s the whole free will – how evil cannot compromise us or harm us without our consent.  Again – I have NO MEMORY of EVER agreeing to be here – to experience these trauma’s – the sexual assaults – the car “accidents” (are these accidents really accidental??).

There is no denying anything anymore.  No looking the other way – no Avoiding how I feel inside.  No avoiding how I feel about this place and my experience in “it”.  No avoiding my choices I’ve made.  No avoiding what this place has done to me – how it has chipped away at otherwise perfection (not saying I am perfect – just referring to that part of me that is eternal/forever).  The best way for me to describe how I feel and what I am doing in this moment is best put to pictures:

I read someone talk about pain making you stronger.  Only Love makes us Strong and the embracing OF it and all that love ENCOMPASSES.  Love IS Strength.  It is the push to know the truth – the push to point it out – the push to be FREE – and the push to BE OURSELVES no matter how lonely that is at times here.

The trauma and resulting pain from this prison experience makes us TOUGH and there is a difference between being tough and strong.  Strong never leaves us – it is that place within us that is US – and even though we have moments where that flame is all but snuffed out – it never burns out.  It’s that energy “they” captured.  Tough is the hard shell we carry with us to keep us going inside OF this place.  Is it natural?  I don’t know.  Anything is possible for any creation in a real uncontrolled experience is possible.  But is it natural?  A go-to experience?  No.  Not for me that is.  I can do it – and I have.  It’s what lead to an armor around my heart and mind.  But I don’t want to carry that energy with me.  I don’t want to feel I HAVE to use it.  NEVER AGAIN.

Everything feels quite heavy now and unsure.  Like that beautiful sweet dog up above – I was leaning onto the wall in the shower portal earlier today – weeping – using the wall to keep me from falling to my knees.  And like the bear – the last few days have been spent in prayer – going within – and in some moments going “without” (I have my own focus that works for me).  Inside job.  Outside job.  I’m a fence sitter as I see this process and experience as BOTH.

I was thinking about our memories – those things which I feel, overall, the matrix simulation allows us to have.  Do we have any memories when we were free?  Truly free?  Why are past life experiences pretty easy to see but to search for experiences prior to the war?  Where are those memories?  So many memories others are having of ancient civilizations – which I feel every one has been created inside of their world here.  I was into lemuria for awhile – until I saw it as being just another experience that was f’d with.  As such – I don’t want to carry those experiences with me – well at least I don’t want to return to those spaces now.  I want to leave behind everything they touched and go forward.  Totally fresh and FREE.

That’s all I got for the moment.

Love,

Victoria