In A Furry’s Guide to Cryptocurrency, I briefly mentioned that NFTs are a dumb idea and not a valid reason for anyone–but especially furries–to get involved with cryptocurrency.

The legitimate reasons for furries to consider cryptocurrency are to protect porn artists and sex workers from the overreach of the conservative finance sector. To bank the unbanked, especially if they provide your spank bank, as it were. Also, to offset the risk of chargeback fraud to cryptocurrency exchanges, which in turn have the lawyers and capital that independent artists do not–especially fursuit makers.

I was really hoping that was the last word I would need to write about NFTs, and my future blog posts about cryptocurrency could be focused on trivially breaking more of their homebrew hash functions. Or maybe I’ll eventually design a digital currency based on anarchosocialist principles, just to annoy the toxic ancaps that have festered in the cryptocurrency space.

But then the Canine Cartel happened.

The Canine What?

A group of NFT peddlers decide to create a dog-themed response to crypto-kitties on the Ethereum blockchain. They called it the Canine Cartel and the art they’re peddling is quite hideous.

Where are the ears? Why would a professional singer create a character without ears? Is Lindsay Lohan tacitly admitting that her idealized self is one that doesn’t have to hear the sound of her own voice?

No, the art just sucks. If you wanted good-looking Furry art, you should’ve paid a furry artist to draw it. To wit.

Not only did the Canine Cartel grifters not hire a furry artist to draw these discount fursonas in order to peddle their NFT scam, they went a step further, and decided to pick a fight with the furry fandom.

I don’t need to explain why their implication that furries “sexualize animals” is false here. I’ve covered it before. Additionally, furry hate is usually a dogwhistle or a proxy for queerphobia.

Thus, the gauntlet has been thrown. What should we do about this insult?

Yiffy Nifties

Put simply, we should give these NFT assholes what they don’t want while doing everything NFTs claim but fail to do for artists.

Here’s the plan, in a nutshell:

1. Commission your favorite artists to draw the raunchiest, kinkiest, furry porn (yiff) you can imagine.
   1. Art comes in all forms, not just visual. Lewd stories or appropriately labelled MurrTube videos are valid too.
2. Pay the artists handsomely (and tip them well if their rates are low).
3. Request that they include “Canine Cartel” in the title of all yiff submissions.
   1. Bonus: Work “why NFTs are bad” into the submissions, especially if it’s a comic.
4. Flood furry porn websites (FurAffinity, e621, etc.) with this appropriately named content.
5. Tweet your newfound NSFW material with the hashtags used by these NFT grifters.
   1. NFT really means Nuzzling Furry Testicles/Tits (select appropriate)
6. Enjoy polluting every major search engine with furry porn–especially Image Search.

Let me be very clear about this plan: Do not fucking harass people. We aren’t GamerGate. Respect people’s boundaries. Hashtags may not have boundaries, but people do.

I know I can’t stop anyone from being a toxic shit, but if you have any respect for me, refrain.

What’s The Endgame?

The goals of this initiative are as follows:

1. Create a reputation and brand risk for any celebrity that wants to get involved with NFTs but not be associated with kinky queer people being openly sexual.
2. Ditto, except with corporations. Twitter has been experimenting with promoting NFTs, and this will either create some friction in that initiative or Jack Dorsey will inadvertently expose lots of unsuspecting people to anthropomorphic cock and ball torture.
3. Immediately embarrass the Canine Cartel, and any celebrity they’ve roped into their triangular pentahedron-shaped scheme.

Finally, if the NFT douchebags with discount fursonas ever decide to clap back against furries in a courtroom for participating in this plan and using their moniker, they will be unable to do so without explicitly and deliberately trying to harm artists–thereby unmasking their “NFT helps artists” cover story for what it truly is: A means to generate demand for cryptocurrency so they can profit off their investments.

From Ayyy to Zine

At the end of this initiative, provided that enough furries decide to participate, I will open the door for submissions to the “Not For Teens Canine Cartel” online magazine and distribute it for free on my personal website (soatok.com). It will also be available on Github and, likely, the BitTorrent network.

Although I cannot really control what kind of material people create, the zine I curate will have the following restrictions:

1. No underage characters
2. All characters engaging in sexual or kinky acts must be anthropomorphic or human
3. No depictions of people or characters that did not consent to be included
4. The artist and commissioner must both agree to its inclusion

That’s it. You can include any kinks you want here–especially ones I don’t like.

The Moral

Anyone who thought NFTs a decentralized, permissionless way to pay artists for their creativity should be delighted by a decentralized effort of furries and porn artists to (without anyone else’s permission) draw porn of canid characters in a cartel theme to clap back against cryptocurrency peddlers.