|Gotta tell ya, I'm proud of this photo. |
I took it with my phone, using my face!
Though it is a bit of a pain, I'm happy inside.
We had a conversation on New Years Day about the state of our D/s. I think it was prompted a bit by our discussion of the movie Secretary. We moved on to some articles that I had sent Sir. That's what we do - if I see a blog post or an article that I find relevant or think he might want to read, I send it to him via Fetlife. Makes it easier. One of the blog posts was about the writer talking about a lack of D/s in her relationship. That she subsists on scraps now and then. It resonated with me.
Sir asked me if I ever feel like that. And I had to tell him that I do. With the caveat that I don't feel that way in our vanilla side of the relationship, at all. He's very supportive, and I'm happy with us. He feels the same way as far as that goes.
But for the D/s side... I do feel like that, often. Sir is... well, not absent... but certainly not really present. He's not focused.
I told him that when it comes to D/s, I feel like an afterthought. And while that was a truth he needed to hear, I've been thinking. It's not only him.
I read another blog (I wanted to link it but I forgot which one), where the person was talking about their accountability as the submissive in the relationship. That even if it's not what you thought it would be, your role is to submit. Yes, bring up to your Dom your concerns, but above all, obey. Defer to your Dom, and the dominance will come, sort of.
And I need to hold myself more accountable. There are basic things that I am not doing that I should be. Sir has been lenient, especially last week with my injury. But if we're being honest, there were certain things that were not happening even a bit before I got hurt.
There are things that are unofficial rules around here that I haven't been doing.
And there are things that I know would be pleasing to Sir, even if they aren't rules that I could be doing.
It's not like I have a lack of time. I've been home. I have been planning family and friend visits, but essentially, I've been home.
So I will work on that. I am happy to say that I think my head is in a good place. The collar was able to come back on New Years Day. The right way to start 2018. I was even able to sleep in it, though we weren't sure if that was going to be possible.
And I noticed that just with it being on, I felt small changes in myself. Today when I was getting dressed, I put on a skirt. If I am just in the house, I normally don't do that, though if I leave the house, I have on a dress or skirt. In the house, I don't bother to get "fully dressed". And when I come home I take that skirt off right away, just lounging around in my leggings and shirt. Though I am now remembering a time or two when I left in haste, no skirt. That's bad, but I don't want to lie.
It wasn't something I really thought about too much when doing it, but now that I'm thinking about it, I think being recollared had something to do with it. A small subtle change in mindset.
This is where I want to be. Making progress. And I think Sir will make more progress, too.
Though I haven't really mentioned it too much, I think Sir and I have some so far in rekindling D/s since our whole lives were thrown out of whack when my father passed away. Thinking about two years ago, and thinking about now... We are so much better. I don't think we are where we were before his death, because things were pretty awesome then, but I can see us getting back there now.
Before, it seemed like a far-off goal, something not really tangible or attainable. I can see us getting back there now.
One step at a time. One act of submission at a time. One command at a time.
Maybe one tie at a time!