Things Get a Little “Nutty” at Analisa Massage

So there’s this place called Analisa Massage, and one of my pervert pals here keeps raving about it. I finally got around to giving it a try this month and I will concede that as Bangkok experiences go it’s a memorable one, but as per usual your enjoyment will be sorely affected by the girl you end up with. I had read in an online review that in this place you basically just get whichever gal is “next in line” when it comes to services, and the night I was there I got stuck with a pudgy little thing who did NOT lift my spirits much (or “lift” anything else at first for that matter). As soon as I saw the girl who’d been assigned to take care of my happy ending I found my happiness ending. But being the eternal optimist I thought “hey, sometimes the homlier ones try harder so why not give her a chance?” Well… live and learn.

But I am kind of getting ahead of myself. Let me backtrack and tell y’all a little about Analisa. It’s on a small side soi alley off Sukhumvit Soi 22, just a ways down from the former Imperial Queen’s Park Hotel (which is now being transformed into a Marriott or something). Anyway, it’s a fair walk from the main road of Sukhumvit, but once you turn down this salacious little soi you will see all sorts of signs advertising “PM”. Which is, I now know, an acronym for ‘Prostate Massage’*. Turns out that is one of the things Analisa Massage is famous for, but by no means the only thing.

Upon entering Analisa you almost get the feeling you are in a dentist’s office. It’s very clean and sanitized and the menu of services is very clear and straightforward about what you get and how much you pay. And this is one extensive menu. It’s list a myriad of things — from massage and BJ finish, to stuff I had no idea was going on behind closed doors. The menu (and website) lists: body to body massage, testicle massage, kinky massage, the aforementioned prostate milking, spitting, hair pulling, slut training, ass worship, fisting, spanking, and something called “kidnapping from shopping mall/coffee shop”. The menu also lists that you can get incall and outcall mistress, and there’s even tantric massage for couples.

I felt pretty unadventurous all of a sudden, as I just wanted a simple testicle massage, which starts at 700 THB (about $21) for 30 minutes. However I upgraded to the one-hour version (for 1,000 THB, or $30) because the thought of my poor oft neglected scrotum getting a full 60 minutes’ worth of female attention just seemed right. The ball sac and its contents are to the average willy what The Supremes were to Diana Ross. Always there, and vitally important, but never the star attraction.

After the girl at the desk confirmed my choice and took my payment (it’s always pay up front here), the squat young Thai gal I spoke of in the opening paragraph appeared from the backroom, greeted me, and then led me upstairs. As per usual the cubicle we ended up in was small but presentable, with a raised massage table and pillow. I stripped, showered, and then she instructed me to lie on my front while she proceeded to give me an oily “sensual massage”. However it was more reminiscent of someone applying sunscreen and gently smoothing it over the surface of my back, arms and legs. In other words — not much of a flippin’ massage at all. “So this is how they eat up the extra 30 minutes I’m paying for,” I thought. I was pretty disappointed and after 25 minutes I simply rolled over, pointed to my balls, and motioned to her: “get going on these, girl.”

Dutifully she did as she was told and I have to admit things improved. Basically going to Analisa for their infamous testicle massage is pretty much like getting the best handjob ever — the kind your real GF has never had the patience (or interest) to give. There was a lot of squeezing, stroking, finger flicking, and tickling, which also took into account my now tumescent John Thomas. It later wrapped up nicely with a happy ending that was, to coin a phrase, a long time comin’.

After it was over I showered again and went back downstairs where another client had just paid and was being shown his lady luck. And she was like a porn star compared to mine. I’ll be back, but next time I’m not going to settle for hamburger now that I know there’s steak hiding on the menu.

* Prostate Massage: Prostate massage (or prostate “milking”) is the massage or stimulation of the male prostate gland for sexual stimulation or medical purposes. Due to its proximity to the anterior rectal wall, it can be stimulated from the anterior wall of the rectum or externally via the perineum. In other words, it’s finger up yer bum time. Of course, since the prostate is sometimes referred to as the “male G-spot” it does sound like it might be worth checking out one day. Prostate Massage – 1 hour – THB 1,300 (about $40)

www.analisamassage.com