The post Overcoming A Victim Mentality appeared first on Women Devotions.

This post is for those who struggle with having a victim mentality. This may not be relateable to everyone but I urge you not to assume it won’t be for you.

A year ago I probably wouldn’t have thought I “played the Victim,” but when I reflect on my thoughts and actions, I would have to humbly admit that at times I do. Although my struggle is not an ongoing struggle as described in psychology today’s post, the victim identity, I do still have some tendencies to have this kind of mindset, mainly thinking that I can’t do anything myself and blaming others.

And while I honestly don’t want to admit it online for all to see, I know God can use this to grow others in Christ.

Playing the Victim – A Destructive Mindset

The phrase “playing the victim”  is used when someone blames somebody else for a trouble they are facing. Most of the time, however, the blamer is responsible for the trouble in some fashion. By “playing the victim,” the person is ignoring his or her own part in the situation in order to focus on someone else.

This can be toxic thinking. It can damage relationships and it is not glorifying to God. But it’s not always easy to recognize.

I think I have slowly become aware of this tendency in my heart, but God really showed it to me this winter.

The driveway was icy and I was running late. I was so irritated that the driveway was as icy as it was. I instantly blamed my husband, thinking that he should have salted it earlier. ‘Doesn’t he realize how hard it is to walk on this ice with two young children? Doesn’t he care about me?’

I was getting angrier with each step. By the time I was in the car I wanted to instantly call him via bluetooth and yell at him. I wanted him to know that it makes me feel unloved when he doesn’t take care of the driveway. But before I hit the button, the Lord graciously stopped me and reminded me to have self-control. He also reminded me that I should not call while angry and while my precious children were in the car listening.”

As God calmed me down, the Holy Spirit showed me how I was playing the victim. I can spread salt on the driveway myself. I am not a victim. Yes, it would be kind if my husband did that but I do not need to become so angry over it and act helpless. I am not a victim.

This particular example is probably common to many who may not struggle with having a victim Mentality; for me, it was just this story that served as the “last straw” and opened my eyes to my own struggle.

You Don’t Have to Be the Victim

Another example in my own life that God used to open my heart was teaching me that I do not have to be a victim at my own house regarding my rock garden.

There is a rock garden along the sidewalk path around the side of my house. It seems like it would be cute to have a rock garden but it is actually super aggravating. An abundance of weeds grows through faster than I can weed them. I could keep up (kind of) before kids but now it is impossible. And every year I would try as best as I could but usually just felt defeated and embarrassed because I knew it looked awful.

My failure to keep up resulted in guilt, which Satan uses to hold me down. We had considered several options as to what we could do with this problem but nothing was happening. Finally, at the end of last summer, I rolled up my sleeves and realized I could make a change myself.

I didn’t need to feel hopeless because of dumb weeds every single summer. I decided I wouldn’t be a victim.  So I came up with my own solution that I believe will help. And I am so excited because I worked on it myself! This may not seem like a big deal but it was a huge breakthrough that I realized I could just fix it rather than battling with it every summer.

That’s the struggle of a victim mentality.

Looking back into my childhood and adult life, I have been close with several people who victimize themselves. They refuse to acknowledge their own behavior and only want to focus on what others did or didn’t do to them. This thinking is contagious. Blaming started in the Garden of Eden and it certainly did not end there.

I do not want to be that way. I do not want to act like a victim. And in that moment in my car, I decided I would refuse to be that way. Now I can’t say that I never blamed anyone ever again but I’ve learned the Bible teaches us how to overcome this victim mentality through the Holy Spirit by the power of Christ.

How the Bible Teaches us to Overcome a Victims Mentality

1. Ask God to reveal it to you 

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24).

Are you unsure if you have a victim mentality? Or do you know this is a struggle but can’t really pinpoint when you do it? Ask those closest to you to see if they have seen a pattern in your life. This can be a painful step as it will crush your pride if you thought you always took responsibility for your actions. But it will help you to overcome the habit and will in the end glorify God. It is biblical to examine ourselves and asking others will just help us grow by identifying the when. He may choose to reveal it you privately or through the help of others.

Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future,” (Proverbs 19:20, ESV).

2. Pray for God to change you

It all starts with prayer. We know that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5). Pray that God reveals moments when you are playing the victim. Pray He reveals your fault in the situation while it’s happening. Pray for forgiveness in your thinking and for any sinful behavior you may have done. And pray for the power to overcome it. We cannot overcome this ourselves! Pray for new thinking. He promises to change us as we submit to Him. Philippians 1:6 says “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” He promises to change us!

But we must must must surrender our struggle to God daily in prayer. This is so crucial and so overlooked. We HAVE to evaluate and dissect our thoughts. I can personally testify how different my day and emotions can be when I do not listen to every thought that goes through my overactive brain. I HAVE to take my thoughts captive, dissect them, identify the lie and replace it with truth…God’s truth. If we let our brain run wild it WILL affect our emotions and behavior. If we allow ourselves to blame other people and allow ourselves to think thoughts such as “they should have…they never….it’s because….if this wouldn’t have happened…if only…etc” then we will choose sinful behavior because we are focusing on ourselves. Pray for God to change your heart and mind to think clearly.

3.    Be Compassionate and Tender-hearted

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

This verse always softens my heart. How can I not forgive when I have been forgiven of so much? How can I not forgive my husband for not taking care of the driveway (from the example above) when God has forgiven me for repeatedly disobeying Him? And not only am I called to forgive, but to be kind, to be tender-hearted. The definition of tender-hearted that I found online said: “easily moved to love, pity, or sorrow, compassionate, impressionable.”

We’re called to be easily moved to love. Not easily moved to anger or easily irritated. Easily moved to love and full of compassion. This means that instead of allowing my mind to run wild and think that my husband doesn’t love me or he is selfish or an ungodly husband just because he didn’t ice the driveway, I need to stop…pray for God to show me truth and to give me His love and self-control, and then be tender-hearted and understanding, knowing that he does love me. Then reminding myself that he probably didn’t think to do ice since he is usually in a rush in the morning from trying to cram so much in before he goes to work so that he can come home and spend most of the evening with the family.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

4. Set Your Minds On Things Above

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth” (Colossians 3:1-2).

This is a hard truth but really helps to put things in perspective. We are called to seek the things that are above. What does that mean? In light of eternity, the driveway does not matter. Yes it is important to be good stewards of what God has given us and to take care of one another, but that is not more important than the way we are called to treat one another. As soon as I allow something to become a need (ex: I NEED the driveway to be perfectly clear to feel loved and safe) then it has the opportunity to become an idol. It is not a need; what is needed is for me to obey Christ…and He tells me to be kind, tender hearted, forgiving, patient, have self-control, etc.

Seeking the things that are above means that I am seeking God’s will over my own. As I just told my daughter when she did not want to obey and told me she was in charge, we “are not the king. Who is the King? Jesus. And Jesus tells us to obey.” We obey and seek His will over our own even if that means letting something go that really bothers us.

5. Prepare in advance

If I had properly planned beforehand in the story I shared above, I would have noticed how icy the driveway was. I then could have added salt to it early in the morning before I walked out with my children. Or if I had been more diligent with my time management then I wouldn’t have been running late. Instead I was already “on edge” and frustrated before I even walked out the door; so the ice was just another frustration on my list.

This is probably overlooked, and often justified, especially as a mother of two young children. But advanced preparation is so essential if you struggle with a victim mentality. Otherwise any obstacle you run into turns into someone else’s fault when really it is usually boiled down to lack of preparation.

I love this quote

It’s so convicting but so true. Obviously sometimes things happen that are beyond our control but overall our lack of patience with someone else, grumpy mood, or road rage is often a result of something we did that made us need to rush. We do not need to be victims.

6. Counseling

I believe in the importance, necessity, and benefit of counseling. Biblical counseling with a godly counselor can fill you up with truth while identifying lies and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, destroy strongholds. I believe every person could benefit from counseling but this is especially needed when you have a mental health condition. A victim mentality mindset can be hard to identify and overcome; therefore a counselor with another outlook into your life may be needed.

I pray this is helpful to you.

We do not have to be victims. The enemy wants us to blame others because it takes the focus off of us and opens the door to sin. Instead, we are called to examine ourselves (Lamentations 3:40, 2 Corinthians 13:5) and confess our sins, both to God and those we have sinned against. There is so much joy in living a life humbly admitting our wrongs so we can grow rather than repeating them as usually happens when we blame others. We are not victims!

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