Today, a marriage psychologist can always wonder what makes a Couple stops working. We asked six experts of the couple, identify scenarios that lead to the breakup. Surprise: they unanimously identified seven situations. This study situations then allows the marital psychologist to find solutions to people's relationship problems.
And whatever the common life and the uniqueness of the romantic journey. Decryption and analysis.
1 - THE MERGER
Paradoxically, the most fragile couples are those who, early in their relationship, living an absolute symbiosis. Committed "very fast, very strong," connected to the needs of the other, they play all the roles: lover, friend, parent, child ... Wrapped, sheltered from turbulent world, they feed exclusively the one of the other. They live the couple as a desert island they would enjoy sole occupancy, until an outside disturbs this exclusive head-to-head. It can be a birth (how to compose three when one has never lived that one to the other?) Or an exciting project that is present in the life of one of the two.
But more often, it is a feeling of weariness and suffocation that seizes one partner, who realizes that security gradually given way to asphyxiation. The outside world, so long held at bay, is ready to blow all the attractions. This is the beginning of the crisis. unbearable frustration to one side, feeling of abandonment and betrayal of the other. Most of the time, these couples separate by tearing.
2 - REFUSAL OF DIFFERENCE
A spouse is not a double. clear affirmation in theory, more complicated in practice. Very often the big conflicts are fed daily by small refusal: we do not accept that we share that intimacy does not have the same reactions that we or he surprises us (and disappoint) by the way he lives and expresses his emotions. Is projected onto the other desires, expectations, behavioral errors that in reality are ours. Or a couple is composed of two different people - what's more, in most cases the opposite sex.
We know how men and women "work" asymmetrically, especially in terms of communication and sexuality. Women express their emotions more easily and have more fluctuating sexual desire than men. "He does not talk to me enough," "She never sees the effort as I do", "We do not get to have an orgasm at the same time," "When I want is she who does not want "... are the most often heard complaints in consultation. All testify to this denial of difference which ultimately make the couple a battlefield or a court.
3 - THE LACK OF COMMUNICATION
Convinced that words are unnecessary to understand when one is made for the other young couples tend to overlook the communication in their relationship. On behalf of the myth of perfect love, "instinctive", they forget that communication is essential to get to know. How, without the words, discover the desires, needs the other? develop projects? Without exchange, difficult to avoid fantasizing relationship, difficult as not to expose to heartbreak when he realized one day that his companion "is not at all the one you believed."
In couples in the long term, the absence of dialogue feeds misunderstandings and frustrations: "What's to tell him what I want? I know what he will answer me. "Persuaded to know perfectly, the partners believe that talking will not change anything. Each stick a label on each other and lives "off" instead of living "with". They forget that the wealth and strength of the couple just what we never ends to find each other and learn about each other through it.
4 - THE COUPLE THERAPIST
These are generally very solid couples initially. Their contract, unconscious most of the time, based on complementary needs: a cure for the (problems with depression, alcohol, professional failure ...), feel indispensable to the other. Most often, these couples, based both on domination and the search of the merger, still sink deeper into their dysfunctions. Which leads them ultimately be to the impasse or to rupture.
First scenario: over time, the "sick" heals and, in fact, does not need a "doctor" or a troublesome witness his "lapse" passed. It is also possible that revolts by understanding this relationship, far from release, maintains his addiction, feeding in to continue to exist. Second case: the attempts of "savior" fail, fueling frustration and anger and generating guilt and suffering to his partner.
5 - THE LIFE PROJECT LACK
Establish life projects is essential to advance to two. But caught in the euphoria of the early days of the relationship, young couples claim the right to "live for today" and avoid to project into the future. It is only when the daily blunted the enthusiasm and spontaneity of beginnings that the future of the relationship appears as an empty space, boring or scary. Some will then "look elsewhere" to turn the desire and excitement in their lives; others to fill the void, decide to move, get married or have children, but once these projects, realize that life together does not bring neither desire nor their energy.
This is when, instead of questioning in depth the relationship and what is expected of it, everyone folds over itself and develops in parallel torque, personal projects. Which, far from nourishing the relationship, weaken still further. In this dynamic, one of them ends up realizing that he is more fulfilled alone or outside of his marriage and terminate it. Or by fear of loneliness, guilt, everyone resigns and saw "one, two".
6 - LAZINESS
"We love each other, so it should work between us," "If it does not work is that we do not love enough", "If we do not fill sexually is that one is not made to live together "...
Many couples, the young in particular, are convinced that, together, everything should work immediately. At the slightest relationship or sexual problem, they conclude that the relationship is doomed. That's why they do not bother to try to overcome two difficulties. Accustomed to zapping, consumption, so to satisfy all their desires and all their deficiencies in the moment, they are struggling to tolerate frustration and to make efforts that do not bear fruit immediately. They forget that the couple and sexuality do not self-evident and are built over time.
7 - Fatalism
Two major pitfalls await couples long term: the conflicts that we do not rule because it is considered too late, and shortness of desire or lack of sex. Conflict in the outstanding long married life stand resentment and frustration, and wear of desire, installed over time, avoidance behaviors that feed an underground aggressiveness poisoning the most innocuous exchanges.
The proper response would be to communicate what is actually the problem to try to find a solution (sometimes by using a third therapist).
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