I've worked really hard over the last year or so to get myself back to the gym.

Wait, what do I mean by "worked really hard"?  Talked to myself a lot about the cost-benefits of going.  Talked to myself about the risks of Covid etc vs the benefits of mental and physical health improvements.  Made deals with myself financially.  (It's X dollars for a drop in and Y dollars for a monthly pass so if I go once a week it's more cost effective to go once a week than do drop ins.)  Talked to myself about Covid etc.  (I'm being exposed all the time anyway and I can totally wear a Mask if I want and I don't have to linger.  And yes, I know people are breathing more heavily but.... see benefits, especially mental health.) (I know I exercise at home but somehow it's not the same physically or mentally as the treadmill or stationary bike or whatever.)

I went ahead a few months ago and bought "sports" masks.  Masks that apparently would be great for Wearing while doing cardio.  I told myself that this eliminated the "health scary" feeling.  And as much as I'm sure they tried to make these masks cardio friendly, for me they were not!  So... mask off when doing cardio.  *shrug*

So the current compromise I've made with my concerned self is that I wear my mask as I enter the building.  I wear it into the change rooms and going to the cardio area.  I take it off as I do my cardio and I put it back on for cleaning the machine, going to the stretching area and getting my stuff from the change rooms and leaving.

I *KNOW* it would be healthier/safer to keep my mask on at all times but I also really just want to actually get there and do the exercise so I'm compromising with myself.

But honestly, I do think about what people are thinking when they see me.  And I know this is part of the social anxiety portion of things but still... I wonder.... are they thinking poorly of me?  Are they wondering if I'm sick?  Do they think I'm ridiculous?  And a very small voice "do they notice at all?"

I mean I notice people who are wearing masks.  But in a similar way that I notice people wearing hats or red shirts or bright running shoes or whatever else.  Yes I notice.  Am *I* judging the people not wearing masks?  Not really (maybe a tiny tiny tiny bit? but honestly not really, I'm more like whatever works for them... I hope they're not judging me.)

So when I'm walking into that building and to the cardio center I'm kind of worried that I'm being looked at and judged.  

And the irony is, because I'm not wearing my glasses I can't really see if anyone's eyes are actually looking at me, so anxiety just thinks they are without any actual confirmation.  

It's a me thing.  I know this.  Whenever I'm out in public and wearing a mask there's a part of my brain rehearsing what I will say if someone asks me my why.

This has never happened, mind you, not since day one of lockdown, but my brain these days is worried about it.  Tense about it.  Like I said, preparing my speech about it.

That's... not great.

I'm writing this as I'm sitting here trying to psych myself up to go to said gym.  I'm pretty sure I'll feel physically and probably mentally/emotionally better after, but I'm not really wanting to so I'm more "should"-ing myself.  But I hope I go.  I probably will.  Maybe I'll just press publish on this and go put my gym things on and take off.  Let's see...

Updated to add:  Well, in a good news, bad news kind of thing, I did in fact make it to the gym but I did not, in fact, exercise.  Sigh.  See, I decided to kill two birds with one stone and before I went to the gym I walked to the store and then to the gym (which means I had my wallet and my purchases with me in my gym bag.)  When I got into the change room I found that my lock had locked itself open and even with trying a bunch of different things I wasn't able to get it to work.  I debated taking my bag to the cardio station with me but felt too self conscious about that and because I had my wallet with me I didn't feel comfortable leaving it pretend locked.  I thought about asking the front desk people if they'd let me put my wallet back there but figured they'd say no so I ended up just going home.  Which I think is a first for me?  Going to the gym and then not? So... uh, yeah, I did it, but... not.  But I did get some exercise I suppose.  Sigh.  Oh life, why you gotta be so funny sometimes!?