It's been about a month (according to updates I've read) since Jay was told he was terminally ill. Ill with a spreading of the cancer he was in treatment for in such a way that it is not treatable. There is no treatment. No cure. It just is.
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So his (now) Wife said in her post that at that time he was given "weeks to months" to live. We're at a month.
It's been just about three weeks since I heard the news. So I'm not much further along the knowing than they. The last time Jay seems to have been able to post himself is about three weeks ago. A rapid decline.
Perhaps the medication he is on to keep his Pain and anxiety low are keeping him less aware of this decline, I don't know. I've seen photos of him over the last while and I see such pain, emotional pain in his eyes, such sadness. I wish it wasn't there.
When you are given "weeks to months" to live, time must just go so quickly. When you are in intense decline physically and mentally and in pain and discomfort, time must just drag on. I can't imagine what Jay is going through, what his wife is going through, what his family and close friends are going through. I only know what I'm going through and from a distance, as an ex of nearly a decade ago, I am devastated and hurt and broken hearted. I'm so sorry for those who are more directly involved.
I have wondered to myself how I would feel if I found out similar news about another ex but it's not really a "game" I want to play. Is this a Jay specific thing? A "how I love" specific thing? Is it due to the circumstances around this? (The first person my age I am to lose... the first person I have been intimate with and shared a partnership with.....) I don't know. And I don't know that that intellectual exercise matters at all.
I don't know how much longer Jay will be alive. It's entirely possible that as I type this he has already passed. Or that he will be with us for many more weeks, I do not know. All I was noticing is how time is passing, in so many different ways and "speeds"....
I hope the good days are good and the difficult days are few and quick.
