I wish I were (still) a person who loved or enjoyed or was good in Heat.  But I'm not (anymore) and that's just that.

Last year's Heat Dome was awful for me and I'm one of those folks who have never really recovered from it and may even have some form of PTSD from it.

And it makes me sad that this now makes Summer something I don't really look forward to or enjoy anymore.  I remember how much I loved Summers as a kid... no school FOR SO LONG!!!! and the beach and outside and camping trips and I'm sure it was warm, but that's not what I remember.  I just remember the sun and the freedom.

Even the few times I went to Burning Man I managed to survive the heat of a desert in Nevada in August.  (I mean that first year was touch and go but still... and they did tell me that I'd adjust faster the next time, and I did.)

But right now I am SO so tired of spending all day every day monitoring and trying to reduce the heat in my place or wherever I am.  Car is fine, windows open or A/C on.  Beach is... iffy.  I get panicky there sometimes.  Need shade.  Need water that is not horrifically cold.  Jason's place is not great.  Often too hot.  My place is not great.  As I said the other day, the noise can get to me.  But the A/C is making a difference and helping me relax a bit... even though I don't like using it and all that jazz.

But right now I'm waking up and looking at thermometers.  I'm turning fans on.  Closing blinds, pulling down things over said blinds.  Watching the temperatures rise and debating if I should close up and put on A/C.... There's a constant vigilance to it and it's tiring me.  If I leave the house I have to figure out what I want to leave running.

The other day it was a bit cooler, and there were some scattered clouds, so when I went out I didn't shut my blinds like I usually would.  I banked on air flow instead and kept them open/uncovered.  

I came back to my apartment being the warmest it has been all damn Summer and my bedroom was 26.  At like 10pm.  F*ck.

So that seeming lack of vigilance that day cost me.  Sure, I came home and sealed up and threw on the A/C for a few hours but that didn't give enough cooling to my bedroom to make a difference and there wasn't sleep that night due to heat.

And sure, you may be thinking "why don't you sleep in the room with the A/C on"? and the answers are basically either I can't handle the noise, or it doesn't fit in my bedroom window.  

I try not to think about "if we have another heat dome" because that's not a right now problem but man... even though August is rolling to an end, we still often have warm Septembers and I'm sad that I'm not out loving every spare moment of the sun and light.  This too shall pass, I know.... for now I'll just keep trying to be ok enough.

And I wish I were someone who liked heat or someone who had a place that was just... cool.