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Swear Swear Swear Swear Swear Swear Swear

I wasn't actually saying "swear",  I was saying a Swear word over and over, I just didn't want to type it out.  But yeah... swear.

I've "spun myself out".  Which is my way of saying that I have started a panic attack by thinking and getting overwhelmed by that thinking.

So here I am, to babble it out.  To maybe make it worse by continuing to talk and type about it or maybe make it better by talking it out, I don't know.

But so far I've had to retype oh so many words because my fingers aren't hitting the keys right or something.  Or they're putting in the wrong letters because my thoughts are too fast and so yeah, I'm stressed.

See... I'm going to die.  No no, not any time soon (as far as I know) but one day.  Eventually.  But I will.  And someone will have to deal with that.

And no, I'm not entirely sure why this is in my head right now except maybe possibly an upcoming death on a tv show I'm watching, but yeah, I will some day die and I'm super stressed about it.

Funnily enough, right now the stress isn't about the being no longer alive part it's about the not being prepared for it and the aftermath of that in the world once I'm gone.

More specifically, people having to deal with my death.

I'm going to ignore the nitty gritty of having to be found or whatever, but then someone has to tell someone and I don't know how that works.  If it happens here at home who do they call?  Do they know?  I don't remember putting anyone on file?  And what if I did and it's my parents and by the time I pass they're already gone well then what?  HOW DO THEY KNOW WHO TO CALL????

And then what?  Do I have life insurance?  How do I find out if I have life insurance.  I think I remember some paperwork when I first started my job but I totally ignored it and so do I go looking in files to see if I have something?  I should have something.  What if I don't?  I mean no one should have to pay out of pocket for whatever expenses are involved.  My brothers.  They shouldn't have to pay for... whatever.  But also I don't really want to start paying for life insurance when my budget is already stupid tight but I can't expect someone else to pay for it later but holy crap more money?

Last year I talked to both of them and explained what I'd "want" after I died and so I mean it's not that important to me once I'm gone, but I don't want them to have to pay for whatever.  Shit.

And when I'm this anxious about something (spun out) there's no point in trying to look for things.  I tried googling life insurance policies through my health insurance carrier but they want to call me with a quote and NOPE and then I looked through my employer and they want me to fill out a form with all these questions and have my doctor fill it out and NOPE just nope nope nope too much so I mean the best thing to do is calm down and look through files and see if something is there but what if it's not?  I don't even know who to call to ask about a potential thing I may have?!  And what if I was offered it when I first started but was stupid and didn't think I need it because I wasn't married or anything and didn't know better and didn't ask anyone and now I'm screwed because I didn't know????

And a will.  I need a will.  And I need to get someone to make it legal and that costs money and I don't feel like I have a lot of money to go do things like this and so I have to look into that too and sure I filled out some crap free online one years ago but no one would know to look at my laptop for that and OMG how would they even get IN to my laptop and WHY does someone I love have to end up dealing with all this just because I died this sucks!  

But then I stress over remembering.  Because honestly right now I just want to calm down.  But I also don't want to ignore this and not deal with it so I write it on my calendar as a reminder to deal with in a week or so so that hopefully I can calm down right now and then deal with this when I'm in a better state, but I'm having a kind of a panic attack over the fact that there is so much for me to figure out to make it easier on someone in my life to deal with me having died and dear God this is a horrible set of thoughts...

And honesty, the other night I started thinking about my online friends.  Yes, you guys, and the folks I talk to on other sites who don't necessarily know me in real life but are real friends.  How would they/you ever know or find out?  You wouldn't know that an announcement for Betty Smith was actually me, so how would you ever know?  And now I want to un-type that so you don't worry on the times I don't post much.  GOD I HATE MY BRAIN.

I talked to Jason the other night about my online friends and he said they'd find out.  Or that he'd find a way into my computer to let folks know.  But I don't know how that'll happen... and now he has to outlive me too and remember and still be a friend and this is all just too much.

So, yeah, I am not knowingly going to die any time soon (hopefully) but I'm terribly stressed about the eventuality because I don't want anyone to have a bunch of crap to deal with and figure out and pay for once I go.

Ugh.

Being a human is stupid.




Updated to add (this morning):  After "sleeping" (cuz I didn't really) and calming down a bit I think I'm going to look at my options.  Maybe pre pay for "funeral" type arrangements.  See if I have a policy.  Talk to my siblings about... whatever.  Maybe not rush to do anything right now, but probably look for a policy and/or talk to colleagues (awkwardly) and maybe contact our workplace provider to ask if there's something under my name.  Or maybe talk to a notary type person cuz maybe the pension stuff I have might end up being enough to cover whatever I'm worried about.  I may be worried for not necessary reasons you know?  I'm more prone to that than some... just saying.


Edited again to update (this afternoon):  Ok I looked through my files and found one thing from one company about group benefits but it's not who handles our medical stuff and also not who is currently listed as our life insurance provider so for now I'm going to let myself let it go and assume I have coverage and maybe I'll look into it more later but for now I'm going to assume I'm covered...



This post first appeared on Advice From A Single Girl, please read the originial post: here

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Swear Swear Swear Swear Swear Swear Swear

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