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Kept

I generally don't say anything when I get to this point, I try to ride it out, or wait it out or whatever damn metaphor you want to use.  But, I'm not ok.

I've been through rough patches before, and many of them the last few years, and especially on and off the last while but right now I'm not ok and I don't feel like I'm going to be.

I guess I don't see a good way out.

Now, I'm not saying I'm suicidal, no need to worry on that end, I just have no way to calm my anxiety right now and I'm not ok.

I don't talk to a lot of people openly about what's going on in my life.  Part of that is I don't want to deal with their response/reaction, and I also know that not everyone is equipped to be supportive.  Or that the support they can give is not what I need or find supportive.  So I tend to keep almost everyone at a "I'm coping.   Not great, but "ok"" kind of distance.  That has worked for me for the most part.

Jason, in case you haven't figured it out, has been the exception to that.  I've been able to talk to him at my worst pretty much since I've known him.  It gets hard when his own stuff overwhelms him too.  And right now he's struggling a lot.  He's got a lot of unknowns and that is something else I don't do well with.... so my solid person doesn't feel solid right now which makes me even more panicked.




And in a serendipitous turn of events, guess who showed up right as I was typing that above sentence.... 

So now I feel a bit calmer... for now.  But man... I'm being hit by waves of pretty damn bad anxiety right now and it sucks.  A lot.


This post first appeared on Advice From A Single Girl, please read the originial post: here

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