The time was getting tougher. The small drops of care and support reflected from my friends worked to temporarily calm me down but then it bounced back with more powerful misery of missing my Roommate. Their acts of support and care reminded me of my roommate more profoundly. It made me feel more depressed. It turned me silent inside out. I was dull, low in energy, no desires to do anything.
I was also cautious to not to bring it to attention of my parents or friends gathered in my home. So, I decided to act as normally as possible and take the food in time. I tried my best but I could not.
It was 8:30 in the evening when I decided to say good-night to everyone. Mom asked me whether everything was alright. I nodded in agreement and assured her that I was doing just fine. I moved out and headed to my bedroom.
I changed to my night suit. It was feeling so un-homely, un-comfortable now. I used to Sleep in the same before I went to Delhi, but now I have been made habitual of sleeping without clothes and cuddling with my roommate every night. But here, I cannot. My mom may visit my room anytime to check if I was doing fine. It was more probable because it was my first day back at my home today. In fact, no one, including my parents, have ever seen me without clothes, not even bare chested. If they find me with such a big change, it would not only be an awkward situation for me, but would also bring a big question mark on everyone’s face. I switched on the AC, set it at 18 degree Celsius and covered myself with the bed sheet.
I was trying to sleep, with hard efforts to feel myself in company of my roommate like all other previous nights, I heard the doors of my bed room open and after a moment, being closed. Perhaps, Mom would have visited to see if I was alright. I did not bother to see who was there.
“Are you asleep?”, I heard the familiar voice after a few moments. It sounded like Aman and then I felt him embracing me and gently tickling on my hand. I could easily feel his warm breath on my neck. I opened my eyes , flipped on my back to find Aman lying next to me on my bed.
“What are you doing here?”, I asked with a big surprise. It was for the first time someone was in my bedroom during night, sleeping with me at my home (except during my visit on Durga Puja), or touching me this way.
“I asked your Mom to let me stay here with you tonight.”, he chuckled.
“Why?”, I was even more surprised now. My Mom would usually not allow anyone to disturb me. She never allowed me to sleep at my friends’ homes when I asked for in my childhood. Or….could it be possible that he made her do that if he told my Mom about my crying in afternoon?
“What did you tell my Mom?”, I was more worried now about my secrets getting revealed one by one. If he told my Mom that I was crying, she will start the investigation to find out what made me cry and won’t stop till she finds satisfactory answers to her queries.
“Nothing.”, Aman smiled, and then continued, “I asked her to allow me to spend some more time with you tonight after such a long gap of one year. I really missed you in all those days.”
“And… ?”, I wanted to hear the actual thing that might have made her approve his request.
“And… she agreed, and allowed me to accompany you.”, he had a big smile this time confirming his winning a big fight against all odds.
“Did you tell her about my crying?”, I asked clearly. He did not answer what I wanted to know so it was best way to figure out it with a precise question.
He kept looking at my face for some time and then said, “Naah !….. I did not want to trouble her over such small things. She had been eagerly waiting for your return for past 1 year. I didn’t want to snatch her happy moments.”, he was sounding a little serious this time.
There was a silence. I was trying to understand what all he said about my Mom. I knew, being the only Son, it was a difficult decision for my Mom to send me away from her for such a long time. Aman was looking at my face till now. Slowly, he moved his hand and started caressing my hair gently. He was lying on his side pose, facing me, supporting his head on his other hand.
“But.. now….. , you tell me, why were you crying?”, Aman asked in a polite but commanding tone.
I have seen him being extra sensitive to my needs earlier too. I observed that special treatment and preference for me in everything he did during my last visit during Durga Puja. Before going to Delhi, I was not matured enough to identify or differentiate the friendly love with something “more” than friendly love, but after spending time with my roommate, I have been able to experience and understand the new unexplored dimension of love.
I also knew, that he wouldn’t easily let me skip that part. Now his visit and staying with me tonight was part of his night duty. His night duty was making sense to me now. He was worried for me since he saw me crying in afternoon. It was not normal for either of us today. I have always been a jovial, happy and energetic person in my gang of buddies, but today, it was just opposite.
It was a typical scenario. Aman wouldn’t leave me alone unless he finds out what bothered me and made me cry. If I told him, it would make my life more difficult and hard to survive. It would not be easy for me to face the extra-ordinary pressure of my parents’ and my friends’ hopes and expectations from me and my future if they figured out about me and my roommate. Telling lies is not easy for me either. It is more difficult than facing the truth itself.
He continued playing with my hair, and caressing it. Seeing no response from me, he pushed once again, “hmm… ! tell me… ! why you cried? Was it a bad dream?… eh??… you can trust me.”, he tried to assure me of the confidence that I somehow knew that I had in him.
Now his fingers, which were playing with my hair till now, came down to my forehead, and then sliding over my nose, he rested it on my lips. His eyes were following closely the track being followed by his finger tip. He moved a little closer to my face, and then whispered in my ear, “open up your lip lock and tell me Dost… what made you cry? You are testing my patience now.”, and with this he moved his two fingers on my lip lines from one end to another. While he was whispering in my ear, his cheek was touching mine and it felt to me like he was kissing my earlobe. I don’t know if he did it deliberately or if it was just accidental touch of his lips on my ears while he was whispering. His tone was a little mixed with excitement as he sounded “aroused”. It might be safely put in the category of sexually provocative.
This whole thing was moving in wrong direction. Although I was not feeling any kind of sexual agitation because of my state of mind was more similar to psychological stress and depression, but I was able to guess what was coming up. I turned on other side away from him to break the continuum, and said, “I want to sleep now. Good night.” It was a clear indication to Aman that I did not want to be disturbed any more. He knew my nature, and he knew it very well how stubborn I was. He knew that he cannot push me to do something against my will by forcing it on me. It will only make things go badly between us leading to a cut off. He moved back and said in a polite tone, “You know how much worried I am for you and it won’t allow me to rest in peace until I know why you cried. You know, I cannot see you crying ever.”
This time he was being honest and polite. I turned back to him, gave him a smile to win his confidence and said, “It was nothing. I was just missing my friends in Delhi. Happy now? Now let us sleep. I am already tired and could not sleep properly since last night.”
Aman kept looking at my face and directly in my eyes, as if he was scanning through it to find out if I was telling the truth. He knew, I don’t believe in telling lies, but perhaps he could not believe what I told him. Perhaps he could not digest it that this small thing could be a reason to make me cry so horribly just like a baby. But again, being the sensitive and emotional kind of guy, it was not impossible either. He was in a dilemma. After giving him enough time to examine me through my eyes, I turned back on my side opposite to him. He moved a little back to his pillow but covered me with his arm, a kind of hug at a comfortable distance, and said “Good night buddy, Sweet dreams.”