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My Story - Her Refusal to Work and Control of the Money

Over the past 21 or 22 months she has not worked and we have lived off my wage. That said, I earn a good wage as a school teacher. But before she gave up another job because another boss was bullying, demanding and unreasonable we were earning a lot of Money between us. However, quite frankly, we had nothing to show for it! The only thing we had to show for it was a walk in wardrobe that a queen would have been proud of.

To this day it makes me angry to think of the amount of clothes that still had tags on them, that did not fir her. Also, she would buy two of everything, claiming it was an OCD thing when I quizzed her on this and what if one got damaged? She would demand. However, the worse thing, she would buy everything a size down from the size that she was because, as she would point out, she would lose weight. Again, she was always dieting and always looking to drop a dress size or two.

Interestingly, if she did not lose weight as per her timescale then it was my fault. In fact, I would dread the days he would step onto the scales. They never ended well. If she had not lost sufficient weight, that week, I knew I was in for a bad few days. True to form first would come the blame and then the self-detriment followed by more blame, shouting and insults. The only way to calm her down was to take the blame and say I had been unsupportive and I was sorry and I would be more supportive in the future. If I did that then she was a different person and everything was fine again as fast as it started. I later found out that her ex-husband even through a set of scales out of the window once because he was so frustrated with her obsession (and her unreasonable behaviour) with her weight. Let me point out whilst she claimed she was officially overweight, she was tall and did not look at all like she was. She was an attractive woman. Anyway, as you can see, she never took responsibility for her own weight! It was always my fault and I had somehow sabotaged her attempts to lose weight. Apparently this was horrible of me and it became an excuse for her bad behaviour towards me. I must point out that I was so supportive, we were both eating healthily and yet it was my fault if she indulged or had a bad food day.

Anyway, I was talking about wages and working. After she shouted at her headmistress and quit yet another job she claimed that she needed to take time off for our adoption. However, she always claimed that she wanted too take 3 month of only as she liked our lifestyle and her boss was keen on a short period of leave as well (private schools jut cant afford to pay for maternity cover). So we lived of my wage alone for nearly two years and she demanded that I put the money into her account.

I wouldn’t even have change in my pocket to buy a coffee, I had to ask. She gave me ten pounds a week to buy a weekly bus ticket that cost ten pounds but that was it. Yes, she would give me her card if I was sent into town after work to pick something specific up, hence it looked like she trusted me with her money but in fact I had to account for everything. Sometimes I would buy a treat for myself (or my daughter) that could easily be explained away, small victories. But, how silly is it that I had to do that.

I had no money and no access to money without asking her first. She would decide on what we would spend, ask my opinion and disregard anything other than complete agreement. In the end it became a fruitless exercise and she picked the food we ate, the clothes I wore, the clothes our daughter wore, the toys our daughter played with, where we went and what we did. I felt like I was just supplying the cash, but to make it worse whilst I was earning the money to feed, clothe and provide us with shelter I had to come home and cook, clean, wash, iron, hoover, deal with the pets and anything else home related.

I don’t mind doing my bit, in fact, I don’t mind doing more than my bit around the house, and I would never expect her to do everything around the house just because I was at work. May I remind you that our daughter was at nursery fulltime at this point? When I claimed (during a rare moment of peaking up) I did everything she would dismiss it and say what I did was never to good enough, I cook simple meals on week nights, my cleaning was not up to her high standards and I should stop complaining, as that was adults did. Then she would go into a well-rehearsed routine how I had never grown up and my parents had mollycoddled me and not let me grown up and take responsibility. I had heard it so often before. She would then cry and say I was being abusive, that she was ill and could not clean the house and she did her bit when she could. This bit she referred to was a little hoovering once in a while. She would then remind me that her father had treated her like a slave and from 12 onwards he was cleaning the house and cooking etc. She would not be anyone’s house wife and expected me to be understanding to issues of equality. I never asked her to be house wife. I had no money and I had no time, no hobbies, nothing for me as I was permanently too busy.

This post first appeared on When Men Are Victims Of Domestic Violence, please read the originial post: here

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My Story - Her Refusal to Work and Control of the Money


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