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My Story - Christmas Alone and Hiding from the Truth

This is my first post since the 21st of December, I am at a loss as to why it has taken me so long to talk about it again. I took a big leap forward on the 23rd of December and I met with a councillor from Womans Aid who, are a specialist service for anyone who is a victim of domestic abuse or violence. That was a huge leap for me, to tell someone, a stranger, what had Happened to me! I wasn't sure I would be able to it, I hovered outside the office for a while before I went in. I must say that the lady I met was an Absolute Delight, she was very sensitive, caring and conscious that we had my Daughter with us. I couldn't cope and broke down several times but we got through what we needed to and she was conscious that my daughter might get bored and we arranged a meeting after Christmas. However, she had one piece of advice for me, well it was more if a request before our next meeting... to tell my parents what has happened to me and not spend Christmas alone.

I'll be honest, I failed. Maybe that is why I stopped writing because I didn't want to have to explain why I had failed. I haven't told anyone that she has gone and that she abused me for so long. It’s been nearly six weeks since she left now! In fact, to make matter worse, I have lied to friends and family as to why she is not here.

Over Christmas my parent’s came round and pampered my daughter with presents and affection, I told them my partner had been called away on a mission of mercy for an ill friend. The truth is I could not face telling my parents about what had happened, so I lied, I felt awful. But, strangely, lying meant that I could hide from the truth and so my emotions were kept in check, if I told them the truth I would have broken down.

Why am I so afraid to show my emotions in front of my family? Incidentally, later my mum sent a text message to me, she said that it was "nice to speak to me on my own and reminisce about old times". It made me realize, that in 8 years, I have not seen my parents without my partner being present. That's controlling behaviour!

Also, a friend of mine (the one friend that she approved off), his wife and my god daughter came round, again I lied to them and we had a fun night. I think by lying I could be someone else, I can only liken it to a stage persona. The show must go on, and all that. We ordered a take away and my mate and I went to the local shop to pick up a few beers, on route he made a comment that he should have guessed my partner was not there as I wouldn't have suggested a few beers if she was. Actually, he made a comment about the last time they came round (nearly six months ago) that when she was humiliating me in front of them that it was rather inappropriate and embarrassed them.

Clearly, both my mum and my friend have noticed that her behaviour is not normal (whatever normal is) and realistically I could have told them both without worry of ridicule, or worse not being believed.

Whilst I did spend Christmas and New Year with my three year old daughter, it was not as bad as I thought. In fact, it was the first drama free Christmas I had for, well... 8 years. It was actually nice to have a holiday season free of drama! My daughter was an absolute delight and really made Christmas for me. Daddy and daughter had a great time! In previous holidays my partner would always find problem with my parents, with friend and with presents. It was nice to be drama free.

But, clearly, I am really struggling to tell people what has happened and I don't know how to overcome this. I am due to meet my Womans Aid councillor soon and I don't know what to tell her. The truth is the only thing I can do, I am sure she will understand.

This post first appeared on When Men Are Victims Of Domestic Violence, please read the originial post: here

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My Story - Christmas Alone and Hiding from the Truth


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