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My Story - A New House and the Opportunity for a New Beginning

Temporarily we Moved into a friends spare bedroom for two weeks (he was a life saver) whist we got ourself moved into a new House. She made me tell a lie to people who asked that the landlord wanted to move his son into the house and that was why were asked to leave. Again, he ex-husband (who she was still legally married to at this point) provided the labour and transport for the move, with my parents helping out briefly. The friends who had helped out with our previous move now long gone from my life. 

The very weekend we moved in to our new 4 bedroomed, detached house with an impressively high monthly rental I also started work at a new school, with a promotion and additional responsibility. I needed the pay rise to pay the higher rent. She had even got herself a new job at a local school. Things were looking up.

The first year in our new house was nice, she was happy living the sort of life style that she wanted to. Unfortunately, that is where it started to fall apart. She became increasingly controlling, shouting at me if I was late home from work and demanding to know where I had been or who I was with.  Even going as far a scrutinizing the journey time. Then she would question me about meetings or after school training and demand to see evidence to see if I was really there. I have never been unfaithful in my life but she demanded to know where I was at all times. 

She Began checking up on me via text incessantly and complain if I didn't respond quickly, despite being in class. Then she would ring me after work to complain about her boss and when I said I was late for training or meetings she would shout at me and tell me that I was horrible and so unfeeling that she wished she was back with her ex-husband. I felt that I could not win, I missed training once to listen to her bad mouth her abusive boss only to be yelled at when she found out that I had missed training session. She yelled at me down the phone saying I would loose my job because I was so irresponsible and what would people think of her. A classic sign of abuse, I have since found out, is when an abuser blames you for what other people might think of them.

Shortly after her behaviour had changed for the worse she began demanding to see my bank account, convinced that we should not be spending that much on the bills. This was swiftly followed by insisting that I pay the bills and then transfer all of the rest of the money to her account, telling me that I was useless with money anyway. How would I survive with out her?

She loved to spend money on clothes and she had a wardrobe a super model would be proud of but I became so frustrated that so many of the clothes still had there tags on because she never wore them. She insisted that she would lose weight and they would fit and again it was my fault that she put on weight. She began a campaign of abuse, humiliating and yelling at me, criticizing and putting me down at every opportunity. Sometimes she would treat me so badly that I was embarrassed for my family to see it. My dad once remarked how I was trying to do too much around the house, but that was the norm for me... I had to do everything.

She was not going to be anyone house wife, she told me. Her dad had treated her like a slave and made her do all the cleaning at 13 years old.  Well it was me who had to cook, clean, wash and iron everything and it was never good enough, my standards were never high enough. I never had the time, what with a teaching job on top, to do everything and so she complained more and yelled even more. She would tell anyone who would listen that my idea of cleaning was not the same as her idea of cleaning and she would often make me do it again.

All the time that I was cleaning or working she was laid on the sofa, with her laptop on Facebook and the Facebook games saying she was tired. She had fibromyalgia a condition that can lead to fatigue and she used it every time I asked for help.

She began to ignore or put down my opinions or accomplishments and then started to blame it on my abusive behaviour!  She claimed that I was as bad as her ex-husband because I was emotionally stunted and not giving her the emotional connection she expected. It was hard to be affectionate to someone who was abusing me so often. She would then force me to have intercourse with her, demanding that she has never had to beg a man for sex before and if I didn't she would kick me out to the spare room and then she would burst in every ten minutes to abuse me verbally. 

I started to feel emotionally numb and helpless and wondered if I was the one who was crazy? I felt worthless but worst of all I felt that I needed her to be happy, I needed her for fulfillment. She could be lovely to me, even caring but I would dread the black days when she was unhappy.

Then she quit her job, going off with stress again blaming an abusive boss. She began to get treatment for depression and blamed me for it, saying that she had to work at that horrible school because I didn't earn enough. It was at this point that my parents moved away and so I had no family in the immediate location, they were over an hour away. I felt trapped in the house, she would through me out if I angered her knowing that I had nowhere to stay and I was too ashamed to ask for help from work colleagues, as I had no friends of my own left. I saw no one other than those she approved of and she preferred to invite them round to the house for a dinner party. When people asked why I never went out anymore she would lie to them and say that she encouraged me to go out but I preferred not to.

Whilst she was signed off work we actually got on well and I started to see some of the girl I used to know and we talked about adoption. She was unable to have her own children, later discovering that she had early onset menopause, again she blamed me. We talked about adoption and signed up for the process. She assured me that all would be okay when we had a child of our own. I was unsure but I desperately wanted children of my own. I would cry myself to sleep sometimes.

She said she was sorry for being horrible to me but I had made her do it. She once claimed her ex-husband (who she was still legally married to at this point) used to say to her 'look what you have made me do!' when he abused her and then one day she slapped me and said exactly the same thing. 


Why did she slap me?  Because I had not made her some lunch in the morning and there was nothing in the fridge except - crap - as she put it (meaning fattening snack foods). Again, she blamed me for her putting on weight which in turn she said led to her depression and said that I was making her seriously ill. She would not even go round to the local shop to get something healthier to eat!


This post first appeared on When Men Are Victims Of Domestic Violence, please read the originial post: here

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My Story - A New House and the Opportunity for a New Beginning

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