By Javinne J. McCoy
The time has come. You have a man on your Love Radar-finally. Maybe you have been dating him for some time now and you are ready to move things along- progress the course of your Relationship. You want the thing that relationships are made of-commitment. You are officially Carrie from “Sex and the City” and you’ve found your Mr. Big. You’re smitten with him. You can’t get enough of the time you spend with him, the sound of his voice, and the way he makes you feel. You are at the point where you have the background music track to Mariah Carey’s song “Emotions” playing in your head- “[He] got [you] feeling emotions- deeper than [you] ever dreamed of” (Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da). You have convinced yourself that you found the Crème de la Crème of Men. You may even go into overdrive and find yourself doing lots of work to get what you want from him-you want him to COMMIT.
On the other hand, may you have already been emotionally, physically, and spiritually invested in a man for some time now (maybe it’s been years). However, you are not satisfied with the progress of the relationship you are in with him. Despite the amount of time you have under your “relationship belt”, you may still lack an appropriate title- girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. You have invested your heart and time into this man, yet still don’t have what you want from him-forward motion in your relationship.
You’re a great catch, attractive, and most important you love him. The logic is simple you think, “If I have invested my heart, mind, body, and soul, then he should appreciate me and commit to me.” Both scenarios have one thing in common. He has something that you want-a commitment. If this is being withheld from you, you may inevitably find yourself to asking:
“How do I make a man commit?”
Instead, perhaps the real question you should ask yourself is:
“Why am I concerned with making a man commit to me?
To have the notion that you must to do specific things to make a man commit to you is a deeply flawed thought to have when approaching relationships. Why? Well for starters, to “make” something happen (in this case a commitment from a man), implies that you have to take steps to convert, manufacture, or produce this “commitment” with lots of effort. Healthy love should be freely given. Committing to you in a relationship has to be something that he wants to do of his own volition.
What to Do When He Won’t Commit
If he is not already doing things to reciprocate your love in a way that is satisfying to you, leading to an organic commitment on his part, it is totally his problem. It is not something you are doing wrong or have to do right, to get him to commit. Don’t make his problem become your problem. However if you think you have to do something to “make” your man commit (backflips and somersaults for his love perhaps), then his problem now becomes your problem and you will enter into drama mode (reality TV style).
Instead, you should “let” a man commit to you of his own free will (but be sure not to let him string you along forever-know your limits). To “let” implies that you give the situation an opportunity to succeed or fail (without screaming at him “Commit!” with a voice that can shatter a lead wall). You must also come to the realization that some men are not emotionally available to commit to you-again his problem. All you can do is ensure you have a higher likelihood of having a healthy relationship with him by keeping the following things in mind (all of this is provided he even wants a healthy relationship and a commitment to begin with):
Be Your Authentic Self. Know Your Worth from the start of the Relationship. Don’t Shape Shift and Mold for the Relationship (Don’t Expect Him to Either).
You don’t have to change who you are and shape shift and mold into Perfect Patty for his love. The best you can do is to take good measures to ensure that you are in a relationship, or situation, that is in alignment with your relationship values and preferences (compatibility). If you want a monogamous relationship with a man, all you can do is set appropriate boundaries with him, and keep a healthy sense of yourself present at all times. You can’t lose yourself in doing specific formulaic things to “make” him commit-that gives someone too much power over you.
Ladies, you know what you are willing to tolerate and not tolerate way before entering into a relationship with any man. Your focus should be to determine if the behavior he is already exhibiting, of his own free will, is consistent with a man whom wants to commit to you. Ask yourself “Would a man who wants to commit to me…Cheat on me? Constantly ignore my calls? Play really hard to get? Just use me for a booty call? See me only a few times a month (even though we have been together for a considerable length of time)? If with the passage of time he is not organically moving toward a commitment with you, that doesn’t mean you should begin to bend your boundaries in order to get him to board The Commitment Boat. It does however suggest that you may need to evaluate the nature of the relationship and his capacity to be in a committed relationship with you. Know your worth girl! Never settle for less or feel that you have to change who you are for a man. Also, if you need him to do that much changing for him to commit to you, he may not be a good relationship match for your needs.
Ladies, Don’t Give Away Your Power
If you want a decent shot at cultivating a healthy relationship with him, you must never give away your power. Your sole basis for happiness cannot be the success of a relationship with a man. Why? Well for starters, nothing in life is guaranteed. People can be especially unpredictable. Some relationships eventually end. Some relationships last a lifetime-that is reality. Additionally, if you are only happy when you get your man to commit, then your happiness is based on external things. You have to already have internal happiness before stepping into the relationship with him. This way if it doesn’t work, you don’t fall apart-this is key. If it does work, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you approached the relationship already being secure in yourself, having your own life, and living your dreams-maintaining your power. Emotionally healthy men are attracted to secure and emotionally healthy woman.
You have power too. The commitment or relationship you want is not just about him- it’s about you too! You have a voice and a say so about it!! Don’t let a commitment with a man be your exclusive source of happiness. To do so is to put the responsibility for your happiness outside of yourself, and in doing this, you give away your power. When you give away your power, it makes it more difficult to do things from a place of security rather than insecurity. Remember ladies don’t give away your power.
When considering the question “How to make a Man Commit?” Remember, you can’t “make” anyone do anything. The only person’s behavior you have power to control is your own. “Making” a man commit is kind of like leading a horse to water and then shoving his head under water and wondering why he can’t breathe. In this case, the effort expended to get the horse to drink is too extreme. So if you want a healthy commitment, work to set a positive tone at the beginning stages by setting good boundaries, being your authentic self, keeping your power and being secure in you, and deciding that you will be happy whether he commits to you or not. If he doesn’t, don’t worry. Don’t wait around. There are plenty of men on this earth. After all, you are smart, sexy, and attractive. Any man would be lucky to be with you-Right?
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The post Are You Carrie Still looking for Mr. Big? How to Make a Man Commit appeared first on Love Antics- The Relationship Blog.