By Javinne J. McCoy
My Pain “Aha Moment”
Pain sucks at first. Often you don’t get to see the immediate benefit of your emotional war wounds and healing your Pain-growth and maturity (if you learn from it).
About 3 years ago, I remember sitting in my former therapist’s office one evening (the one whom I worked with for years and helped me grow tremendously-this is all in hindsight though). I was a “Grade A” Hot Ass Emotional Mess this particular evening. At this point in working with her, our sessions were getting tough, and I was beginning to get stuck (which often happens in therapy right before you get a personal breakthrough). For Part 1 of The Pity Pot of Pain (Shit But Then Flush Rather Quickly) Click Here.
Anyway, I waited in the waiting room, she came to the waiting room to scoop me up for our appointment, we walked to her office, she closed the door, I sat down in my chair across from her, and I was completely silent. I looked down at the floor for a good 10 minutes. She said nothing (and I said nothing). She just stared. I was in emotional pain and so deep in toxic mire. I needed help. I began to ball my eyes out like an infant.
What triggered my breakdown? Take a guess…..It was the breakup with my final EUP Mr. Soul Mate Speech (Mr. SMS). That dysfunctional relationship took an unimaginable toll on me. It wasn’t just the pain from that emotionally unavailable relationship. It was that, that relationship caused My Cup to Runneth Over with compounded emotional pain (that had built up over the years like a body builder on steroids). It took this relationship to give me a swift kick of pain to see the reality about my own mess.
(side note: Years later this pain turned out to be such a blessing in disguise. It caused me to look at me, dig for the lessons, and grow the frick up. It’s been over 2 years and I have done my work and healed my heart (always continuing the work though). Not to mention, the LA Blog was born during this epiphany-I used my pain productively).
Back to the story……..
As the silence continued in my therapist’s office she finally said “Javinne what is wrong?” “What is missing?” Her questions pissed me off. She knew what the hell was wrong. We spent months and months talking about the emotional turmoil that I felt after my relationship with Mr. SMS failed miserably.
I replied to her and said “I am in pain, hurting, and you rarely comfort me.”
She replied, “Javinne that is because I do not always think it would be productive if I comforted you. You have to heal your pain and your heart. You can only do that. No one else can.”
You have to heal your pain and your heart. You can only do that. No one else can.”
I looked at her like ERRRRR. What the EFF? Needless to say we had a few more sessions and then I came up with an excuse to terminate therapy with her. I convinced myself that she was an insensitive BIATCH who needed to return to her university and work on developing the counseling skill of empathy. Little did I know, I was simply looking for an excuse to run from my truth.
In hindsight, she did not lack empathy at all. In fact, she had a lot of empathy for me. She simply had good therapeutic boundaries, saw my mess, and simply refused to allow me to become dependent on her (or any outside source) to get my answers and my healing. She knew of my past unhealthy relationship styles and tendencies. She saw my pain and was able to identify it, but she refused to “fix it”.
Real competent therapists don’t “fix” anything in their clients. Instead, they help guide and support you so that you can find YOUR OWN answers, and YOUR OWN solutions, to YOUR OWN problems (they are also courageous enough to tell you the very ISH about you that you don’t want to hear). She was a good therapist that gave me The Real T. She refused to let me fall into the dependency style that I was used to. She put the responsibility right in my lap-Right where it belonged.
So, if you find yourself in chronic emotional pain over your life and relationships, and want to heal, YOU must first accept the responsibility to HEAL YOU.
You can enlist the support of others like a good therapist (if you can’t afford therapy or don’t have insurance, there are many free self-help group-enlist in one), friends you trust, family you trust etc. However, you must do your work. There is no way around it. Period.
If you want to heal emotional turmoil, you must take responsibility and become empowered.
The thing about emotional pain, and the toll that perpetually dealing with unhealthy relationships takes on your heart, is that it eventually DISEMPOWERS you. If you are in pain over an EUP (or many EUPs), chances are that you have given up your power. Giving up your power is very common in these kinds of unhealthy relationships.
When you give up your power, you become disempowered, and you can allow your experiences to groom you for being a victim in life (only to experience MORE pain). When you are a victim in life:
• Things are always happening to you instead of you focusing on how you will respond (in a healthy manner) to the things that are happening to you.
• You always wonder why people mistreat you instead of deciding HOW you will be treated by folks.
• You let your pain define you instead of seeing it as an experience that is totally separate from your intrinsic worth (as an empowered human being).
• You let things happen to you instead of making things happen for the better.
• It is always his or her fault but you have a hard time owning your responsibility. (On the other extreme, if you do decide to acknowledge your contribution to the madness, you look at your mistakes in a self-deprecating way, and fall apart like a helpless soul, instead of looking at your mistakes as areas for growth and improvement.)
• You play a role in life and tell yourself and others a story that portrays you as this “oh so fragile” human being that is unable to handle life’s challenges and setbacks.
• You give up your power to people by default because in reality, you are really too afraid to care for your own needs and take care of YOU.
Remember, you are the one that is responsible for lifting yourself out of your own painful mire and getting of that dang Pity Pot of Pain (even if someone else contributed to or caused your pain). You have to own your responsibility if you are going to deal with it and heal it.
Do you ever notice how the person that may have caused you pain still is living, breathing, and going on with their life? (In fact, it may really get you miffed that they are going on all La Di Da Di with their lives, even after they caused you pain, and won’t accept responsibility for causing you pain)
Will you spend another day, month, or year, holding on to the pain? Or, will you decide that it is time for you to accept responsibility for your pain, understand it, develop tools to cope with, and maybe even, transcend your pain (Yes, it is possible that you can move beyond merely identifying with the pain to actually thriving in life because of it, and using it, to do something powerful in your life-Hence, I used my pain to create the Love Antics Relationship Blog and share my gifts of insight and writing with others). You have to want really want better for yourself and get rid of your allergy to the good things that life has to offer you.
Stay tuned for part 3 of Digging Yourself Out of the Painful Mire: You are Responsible for Healing You.
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The post The Pity Pot of Pain (Shit But Then Flush Rather Quickly) Part 2 appeared first on Love Antics- The Relationship Blog.