Why don’t the people we’re Attracted to find us attractive while the people we don’t find attractive are attracted to us? This is one of the GREAT dating conundrums of all time. Luckily, there’s actually a very SIMPLE explanation.
Most often, when we feel attracted to someone, we become NERVOUS, self-conscious, or even NEEDY, and we stop being ourselves. In other words, when you want someone to like you, all of your insecurities come bubbling up to the surface and cause you to question why THEY would want to date someone like YOU.
“Am I PRETTY enough to date someone like him?”
“Am I SUCCESSFUL enough to get a woman like her?”
“A guy like that doesn’t need to date a woman with 2 YOUNG KIDS.”
“A woman that hot would want a guy with a 6-PACK.”
Try this. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a date with a friend that you like but don’t find particularly attractive. How do you feel? Indifferent? Turned off? In control?
Now imagine you’re on a date with someone who gives you butterflies in the pit of your stomach. How does THAT make you feel? Excited? At ease? Self-conscious?
Even the most confident person would find it IMPOSSIBLE to be authentic in the moment if they’re feeling self-conscious and insecure.
Do you remember the plot twist from Sex in the City, the one where Big met a woman who treated him the way he treated Carrie? It was a BRILLIANT piece of screenwriting. It was amazing to see this man who SEEMED to be the embodiment of self-confidence scrambling for the right things to say and do. He was so DESPERATE that he even called Carrie for advice!
Because it can be so SCARY to take off our masks, get Emotionally Naked, and let someone see who we truly are, many people default to using SEX as their main way of creating a connection. Over the past 15 years, I have coached many women and men who are well-versed in the art of SEDUCTION. They know how to put on an act and create a SEXUAL connection, but they don’t know how to create a deep, authentic EMOTIONAL connection on a date.
So, how do you start to become comfortable getting Emotionally Naked and connecting with the people you find attractive? My free online workshop is a great place to start.
If you’re looking for a few techniques you can use right away to feel more attractive, here are some additional tips:
1. Start to Recognize Your Fears: When you’re sitting on a date and you feel intimidated by someone, listen to what your FRENEMY (aka inner critic) is telling you. It will make comments like the ones I listed above. It doesn’t matter if your date thinks you’re overweight or not successful enough. You need to recognize that the REAL issue is that YOU believe these things about yourself.
Identifying your fears is the FIRST STEP to letting them go. Write them down. Then ask the universe for them to be RELEASED. You don’t have to know HOW this works. Sometimes declaring that you are ready to let your fears go and ASKING the universe for help is ALL you need to do. Really.
2. Tune into Your Naked Dater: If YOU listen to your Frenemy, it WILL sabotage your dating. But you have another voice inside. I call it your Naked Dater. Your Naked Dater is the voice of your HIGHER SELF or Inner Wisdom. The more you tune into this loving, compassionate voice, the BETTER you will feel about yourself as you date.
I encourage all of my clients to give their Naked Dater a name. Mine is called Pantanjali. You can call yours Wilma, Fred, Merlin, Dumbledore, or Oprah. Whatever works for YOU. Just have FUN with it. Start listening to this loving, nurturing, positive part of yourself. You might actually like what it has to say!
Your Naked Dater will tell you:
“The RIGHT person will accept you EXACTLY the way you are. That’s who you want to be with.”
“Even if you aren’t at your optimal weight, YOU can be SEXY at any weight. It’s all about attitude.”
“You are a good person and I love you NO matter what.”
“Nobody’s perfect. When you love someone, you love the WHOLE person.”
3. Change Your Body Language: Before you meet your date, stand up STRAIGHT, pull your shoulders BACK and EXPAND the energy in your chest. This is a POWER stance. Anytime you get in your head and start to feel insecure during the date, remember a PEAK moment in your life, then sit up tall, open up the energy in your chest and SMILE.
If you want even MORE support, click here to join my private Facebook Group, Dating Without Drama,where other men and women just like you are supporting each other in their search for lasting love.
But even more importantly, if you’re TRULY ready to meet The One and you don’t want to WASTE another second spinning your wheels and trying to figure this out on your own, let’s set up a 1-hour consult and see if coaching is right for you! There’s NO reason to spend another second agonizing over this. Dating is a journey. Let me be your guide.
The post Why Are the People We’re Attracted to Not Attracted to Us? appeared first on Dating and Relationship Coach - Lisa Shield.