Identify and Heal
Siblings are an integral part of narcissistic supply for the narcissistic mother. The Scapegoated daughter due to her position of vulnerability and powerlessness as a child, becomes the target for her Siblings and mothers psychological cohesion into adulthood. All of the behaviours and emotional distress that we were subjected to by our siblings and mother during childhood, do not just vanish in a puff of smoke as we reach womanhood, unfortunately. Sadly adulthood for the scapegoated daughter in a narcissistic family does not change, it in fact becomes worse.
As adults, we tend to perceive bullying as something that happens in the school playground, or at youth club on a Friday evening amongst our peers. For the scapegoat, bullying by our ‘family of origin’ begins early in childhood, and will continue throughout the rest of our lives. This ‘abuse’ can largely go unnoticed by our friends, loved ones and extended family members, and even by ourselves, until we become aware of what these toxic behaviours are and what they mean. It is vital as adult scapegoats, that we move away from the term ‘bullying’, and name the toxic damaging behaviours for what they are, which is indeed ‘Abuse’!
Dysfunctional families and toxic siblings can bring so much unnecessary stress and destruction into our lives as adults. It is so important to be aware of the red flags, and to take notice of those ‘icky gut feelings’ that indicate something just isn’t quite right with a person. These red flags are harder to see and take notice of when they are connected to our siblings, but these will be the warning signs that will present more and more frequently, until finally we get the message, and we will wish that we had listened to them, and understood the tell-tale signs better.
If we look at our sibling relationship in the same terms as a friendship, it should comprise of the same elements, such as kindness, empathy, mutual respect, celebrating each others achievements, and generally supporting each other through the highs and lows of life. The scapegoat however, will never receive authentic support, praise or kindness from her siblings, regardless of how badly she wants to believe and feel that it is sincere. Again, the icky feelings and sense of ‘knowing’ are always there, however for many of us, it is just easier and less painful to ignore in the hope that we are just imagining it.
Our siblings will go to great lengths to damage our self-confidence and self-worth, to fortify their own. They are forever imprinted and conditioned by Narcissistic mother to try to undermine and compete with us in any way, shape or form that they are able to, and their jealousy and envy of the scapegoat runs deep and it never diminishes. This abuse can present in many forms, both covertly and overtly. Some scapegoat daughters liken their childhoods and adult lives to being a ‘verbal punch bag’ for their siblings, and the verbal abuse, humiliation and ridicule can take place either privately or publically. For many scapegoated daughters, the bullying is carried out more covertly and subtly, therefore being more difficult for us to reconcile, and make sense of. For many of us, the covert abuse can be even harder to deal with than the onslaught of a verbal bashing form a sibling. As scapegoats, we have to be mindful and aware of the effects that narcissistic mothers extreme gas lighting had on us as we were growing up, and for that reason covert abuse from our siblings in adulthood can lead us into a cycle where we are continuously self-doubting and questioning ‘what just happened’. Rest assured, this is exactly how our toxic siblings want us to feel, and after all they learned all of their abusive tactics directly from observing narcissistic mother.
The complex trauma of growing up having a narcissistic mother, and being part of a triangulated sibling unit, can have a detrimental effect on us as we grow into adulthood, in terms of emotional and mental health. This happens due to internalising the abuse, scapegoating and emotional neglect that we were subjected to by the narcissistic family.
As a consequence our interpersonal relationships in adulthood can be impacted by self-sabotaging destructive behaviours. We can also develop maladaptive behaviours as coping mechanisms that enable us to deal with our pain and trauma. Such behaviours can include trivialising, forgetting or minimising the abuse that took place in order to make it seem less important. We can also develop obsessive-compulsive behaviours, eating disorders, self-neglect, self-harm, addictions, dependency and co-dependency, isolating ourselves, or participating in risk taking behaviours that are damaging to our physical health and emotional wellbeing.
The severity of abuse, trauma and targeting which the scapegoat has to endure at the hands of her toxic siblings and family, should never be underestimated. The devastating effects can touch every aspect of our life. The importance of recognising our own need to heal is so very important now, and we must find ways where we can safely explore our experiences, and determine how they have shaped our understanding of ourselves, and the world around us. It is possible, with the correct help, support and self care, that we can go on to learn and develop all the skills that will enable us to establish healthy psychological wellness and happiness.
