Thank god that’s over. Or maybe thanks is a little premature? Now that we have got what effectively half of us want, and the other half don’t, it’s time to implement the majority’s cunning plan! So let’s have it, what is the grand scheme all these Brexiters have been planning to roll out? The problem is they are so busy fighting for power, few have come forward to outline the Brexit plan. A cynic might argue they don’t have one. Can’t do that though, those who lost, the other half, are now supposed to shut up and quit talking down Britain, and by default I would imagine they mean the Brexit lobby. If you were allowed to say something, you might ask the question as to why the Brexit camp have been talking down Britain for 40 years. But you can’t. That would be wrong, petty, just not quite cricket. For their part, the Brexit camp constantly threw grenades at Europe talking it down, forgetting that was a market we were a major part of. But that’s different they will argue. You can’t now complain that we are a rudderless insignificant player on the world stage, nor should anyone point out that the largest unelected, unaccountable legislative body in the world is our own House of Lords. Again, that’s different.
So let me summarise the Brexit plan as they have outlined it so far: There isn’t one! Am I the only one who sees that most of these people as tiny minded self-interested ideologues? Every once in a while on one of the breakfast Programmes they turn into Donald Trump. “I can’t tell you what kind of deals we will do, now that we don’t have any, but they will be really good!” The problem we have is that Trumps got some economic muscle, actually about 100 times the amount we have. Countries have to trade with the United States, the UK is a nice to have. Putting our hubris to one side for a moment, they don’t have to trade with us! Many of us have sat in front of our televisions deriding Trump as a blowhard and fantasist, but here we are reading from the same play book written for the world’s largest economy, trying to shoe horn it into one that is now, after we destroyed our currency, a very distant sixth.
Sorry, I made the mistake of dwelling on reality and ignoring blind faith, but this is all very worrying. Could you imagine the conversation with a heart surgeon who approached medicine in the same way Boris approached Brexit?
“Now look old boy, I’ve been telling you for years your heart is flawed.”
You might say, “but it’s keeping me alive.”
“That may well be, but it is not up to scratch so we are going to remove it from your chest. Sign the consent form here”.
“Hold on,” you rightly scream back, “what do you mean rip it from my chest?!? What are you going to replace it with?”
“Look old man, the game is up, we haven’t decided what to replace it with, but we are going to remove it, and that’s that. Don’t answer back, that’s a good man.”
Please correct me if I’m wrong, but that analogy is not far off the truth. We are in the process of ripping out this country’s economic heart, the one we have worked so hard to repair over the past four decades, and we have nothing to replace it with. Reassuringly though the Brexit camp has asked Donald Trump about strategies, and he has leant them this. Don’t worry that we have just torched all our trade agreements in a large bonfire, the new ones will be the best we have ever done, and they will be “really really good”. That’s alright then. Especially that really really good bit, and here I was thinking we didn’t have any specifics. Also the queue of countries lining up to negotiate with us on new ones is impressive. You know them, countries like Comoros, Guinea, and Burkina Faso. I ignore the fact they have an annual GDP just north of £1, personally I couldn’t find them on a map, but we have to start somewhere. Brexit have assured us that the negotiating team, apparently we don’t have one at the minute, will also be “really really good, the best ever.” They will immediately be given a copy of Trump’s Art of the Deal, and encouraged to follow his twitter feed so they can keep up with his constantly changing positions on most things. Thank god for that, I was convinced these countries probably saw us as a soft target because we didn’t have a team. That should put the willies up them to hear we will have a really really good team we might appoint sometime in the future, and they will be plugged directly into the worlds best dealmaker.
The last plank in the Brexit platform is increasingly telling people that scepticism is unpatriotic. Now where have I seen those tactics before? UKIP goes even further, questioning the right of those Brits who “have not been here long enough” to participate in elections, run for office, continue to live in the country, and where have I seen that before? I seem to remember some guy across the channel suggesting that only blond haired blue-eyed people were legitimate, but I could be wrong. “How dare you liken this to Nazi Germany”. Sorry, it’s hard not to. Brexit saddled up to the party who’s members have a view of the world that harkens back to the thirties, some might use the word embraced. The intolerance of those who “talk down” Britain is starting to percolate to the top as they are confronted with an increasing anger around broken promises and no plans. The best strategy when you place yourself in-between the rock and a hard place is to deny, and try to turn the tables on the accuser. Brexit might as well stay the course. They convinced half the country that no future was better than a flawed but fixable one. Go with what you know. It works for The Donald.
Gove and the motley Brexit crew are at the table, scalpel in hand. Surveying Britain’s chest and our still beating economic heart. We have signed the consent form and been told to shut up, only think positive thoughts, anything else is unpatriotic, after all, half the people have spoken. What’s our plan? They echo the patient’s thoughts. Not really sure, but the EU is broken and we must remove it even if it leads to economic ruin and ridicule.
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