California has laws, folks. They’ve got laws so shiny and gleaming you could use them to blind Elon Musk on his way to the next moon landing. One of their proudest laws, their pièce de résistance, is the oil well Cleanup Law. Strongest-in-the-nation, they call it. As strong as a vegan at a Texas BBQ, apparently.

This Cleanup law was supposed to bring the hammer of justice down on these greasy oil companies. Yeah, guess what? The hammer of justice must have forgotten to fill out the paperwork because California isn’t enforcing it on its largest oil company. That’s right, folks, the biggest fish in the smog-filled pond gets a pass. Rumor has it, the law is enforced by a ghost from corporate HR who thinks penalties are just feelings you share over vegan lattes.

Alright, picture this – we’ve got massive oil companies drilling holes in the ground like it’s a new stress-relief therapy. But California, our brave regulatory knight, has a brilliant cleanup plan in place. Except, like every well-laid plan in California, it’s not being used where it should be. Chevron – yes, that’s the corporate version of Godzilla – continues to waltz around without worrying about that pesky cleanup law. Maybe they have a magic cloak. You know, like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, but instead of rendering you invisible, it makes you immune to fines.

It’s like this: imagine you live in a neighborhood with a neighborhood watch. Their job is to keep things tidy, make sure nobody trashes the place, and to make sure your hipster neighbor’s flamingo lawn ornaments don’t spontaneously combust. Instead, they spend all their time ticketing six-year-olds for jaywalking on their tricycles, while ignoring the guy across the street who’s building a bonfire out of plutonium rods.

Here’s the kicker: California’s not just ignoring this behemoth for kicks and giggles. Oh no. They’re giving money to these companies! That’s right, instead of a slap on the wrist, how about a little taxpayer-funded cha-ching? It’s as if you caught your teenager throwing a wild house party, and instead of grounding them, you handed them your credit card and told them to buy more beer. Wonderful parenting, right? Someone should nominate these regulators for a parenting award.

Let’s not forget, California’s sitting on a treasure trove of tech geniuses who can build robots that teach yoga. Surely, they can’t figure out how to slap a fine so hard that Chevron starts feeling the sting in their stock price? Maybe the state’s too busy designing eco-friendly, solar-powered slap bracelets to do the actual slapping. Or perhaps the regulators think oil companies are sensitive creatures that need gentle affirmative reinforcement.

Oh, Chevron, look at you! What a big, beautiful spill. Good job, you’re doing great, here’s another subsidy. My heart warms just thinking about it. I might just send Chevron a sticker chart so they can collect gold stars for every new disaster they brew up. Might help morale over there in the corporate offices.

Now let’s talk about the well-cleanup law itself. It reminds me of the kind of policy you make at 3 AM after binging on kale chips and kombucha. It’s strong. Stronger than a double shot of espresso laced with Red Bull. But if you don’t enforce it, it’s about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. It’s sitting there collecting dust like it’s Indiana Jones’ next landmark discovery. Our beloved state probably thinks enforcement is too mainstream – they’d rather keep it as a quirky little footnote, like artisanal fines that only the smallest of companies get to experience. Lucky them, right?

And where does the money go, you ask? Oh, it’s going to wonderful places. We’re talking oil companies receiving cleanup funds to ensure they keep messing up real good. It’s like giving the neighborhood cat burglar a stipend to buy lock picks. Should be fun for everyone involved. It’s government logic, folks: burn the village to save it.

You know, California, if you want me to take this law seriously, maybe act like it’s real. Pretend it’s one of your many protests, light a couple of aromatherapy candles, meditate on it. Do whatever you need to do to convince the rest of us this isn’t just a bureaucratic placebo.

It’s laughable! You tout this law like it’s your ace in the hole. But you don’t even play the card! It’s like claiming to have a pet dragon and then feeding it tofu. If you’ve got a law intended to clean up oil wells, why don’t you go right ahead and use it on the biggest offenders? Or maybe that’s just too conventional.

So, California… wake up and smell the benzene! Kindly redirect some of that Silicon Valley genius towards figuring out how to kick Chevron in the rear with the full force of your righteous oil well cleanup law. You want to be eco-friendly, you want to change the world – well, it starts with not turning a blind eye to the biggest polluters in your own backyard.

By the way, write this down: when in doubt, just enforce the damn law. Don’t whimper, don’t subsidize, just hit them where it hurts – right in the profits. In the meantime, cheers to California, the stunning, sun-drenched Eden, where common sense goes to retire.

Source: California Isn’t Enforcing Its Strongest-in-the-Nation Oil Well Cleanup Law on Its Largest Oil Company

The post Subsidize First, Ask Questions Later: California’s Special Oil Cleanup Law first appeared on DEMOCRAWONK.