I received an email from a former inmate, 'Tony', who found us via an internet search. 

He has asked us to share his personal story with our readers. Thank you Tony for taking the time to email us. 

Tony isn’t my real name. But for now, I would like you to understand and respect my privacy to remain anonymous. This decision is partly to protect my loved ones who still receive hostility from members of the community in regards to me. And it is also to protect me from those members of the community who don’t deserve to know my story. 

I was given a second chance at life in 2017 after being housed intermittently in Solitary Confinement for a number of years. On January 13th I watched, with sadness, a group of inmates testifying to politicians and members of the communities to support and stand by Washington State house bill 1756. 

I considered my mental health to be robust, fit, and stalwart, but even the strongest of people fall victim to a penurious practice by the name of Solitary Confinement. I take issue with its branding though. In reality, solitary confinement should be called, ‘’ a fucking existence’’. My long term partner wrote me consistently to try to keep my spirits up but eventually I didn’t have a spirit to keep up. Many inmates who have been housed in solitary confinement will tell you that solitary confinement is a dead-end with nothing to offer. I disagree because through solitary confinement, I learned to be one hell of a performer. My acting skills got better and better each week whilst on the phone with my partner. I was hanging in there, staying strong, being hopeful, gaining strength, but as we all know, and especially those who have experienced solitary confinement, the words of reassurance to your loved ones is bull shit at its best. Being in the hole is not designed to raise your spirits. If it was, HB 1756 would not be in play today. 

Solitary confinement fucked me up in many ways. I became a romancer because it was a whole lot better than the existence. One evening I was delighted to see a spider lurking around on the wall. I was even more excited when I saw another scuttling across the cell floor. But as I reached out for the one on the wall, it disappeared. The spider on the floor also decided to vanish too. It happened again the night after, and two nights after that. I soon realized that I was suffering from visual disturbances and my mental health was declining. I said nothing because the majority of the officers who worked in solitary got off on poking fun at you and being sarcastic to the point of mental abuse. I never told my partner half of the things that happened in solitary confinement. She would be hurt to the extent that her mental health would take a nose- dive and it was only when I was released did she tell me that she struggled immensely with my situation in solitary. Still to this day and out of love and respect for her, I will not tell her certain incidents that happened in there. 

Nearly five years on I am still receiving therapy out here on the streets. Life moved too fast for me when I was released from prison. My time in solitary crushed my social skills and being around too many people makes me anxious to the point I don’t particularly enjoy myself. 

The first year back out on the street, I resorted back to drugs in order to foolishly balance my mood. Thankfully I sought help before the handcuffs clicked back on to my wrists. I thank those who testified on the 13th January and I pray for those currently housed in Solitary Confinement. Unless you have lived in solitary, it is hard to understand, and even my therapist admitted and agreed with me that no form of course work or studies can put you in our shoes. But I am blessed and thankful for such a great therapist who I can talk and offload my anxieties to. He is the best. 

My partner and I are still in a relationship although we live separately. There really isn’t any advice I can give because solitary confinement affects people differently. The only thing we do have in common is mental health issues and unfortunately those will reside with us for the rest of our days thanks to an abusive system that inflicts upon us, cruel and unjust punishment. Long term solitary confinement is damaging beyond repair for many inmates. Please support the bill and share your stories to make changes. Thank you for listening.