The last visit I had was in Beaumont Texas with my beautiful wife, Bella, May 2019.  It was one that will forever be close to my heart and embedded in my memory.  To this day I think about it all the time.  It still brings a smile to my face and warmth to my  heart and soul.  I spoke to my wife today and told her I was hearing her happy laugh she let out when I bear hugged her and picked her up.  It was a very good memory.  I take solace to know the people I love and hold dear to my heart are happy. I know my world at times does not tend to bring much happiness and it is not lost on me one second the struggles they go through , day after day, year after year. I will be honest, at times I tried to push my wife away, not because I didn't love her, but because I did love her and I felt and still feel that I am cheating her out of life out there and prison is no place for love stories.  The old saying, if you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. I just want her to have all the happiness she deserves, and at times I feel I am more of a burden then a partner/husband.  The harder I pushed , the harder she fought me, so I just gave up :)  She sacrifices a lot and fights to overcome the obstacles we face.  It is not easy to have a strong relationship with a prisoner with my history. Yet, she is unwavering , loyal and truly dedicated to us. I know no one has the relationship we do. Do I know I am lucky ? Yes, I do...not a day goes by that I am not thankful and count my blessings for my beautiful wife.
That visit we talked about serious issues, we laughed for hours and she fed me like a king. As you all can clearly see, she is an amazingly beautiful, intelligent,  trustworthy woman who is blessed with sexiness as well.  Delicious thoughts of her made me lose my train of thought.....hold on...Yes, the attraction and bond we have is nothing like I ever experienced or expected or even felt that I deserved. Bella is a gift from the Gods and I am thankful every second of my existence. Her blessings came from the Goddess Freya... Funny story, the first day of visit , she went to the ladies room and came out with a pile of  one dollar bills. I thought , "oh no !! I have corrupted my woman and she robbed a bank!" Nope, Bella was just making sure I was fed well and hide about 60 dollar bills in her bra !!!  I am sure I gained 10 lbs that weekend. It was the best weekend I have ever spent.  We had fun taking over 20 photos that day and Bella was brazen enough to sneak in a couple of grabs in places I have not been grabbed in 20 years !! Sadly, we never received our photo visits.  She is always full of surprises. Her heart is one of the biggest I know, she is genuine and gives more to others then she expects in return. Her job is tireless and works long hours and puts herself at risk every day  and  she is a strong advocate for youngsters and the mentally ill  and is  fierce in her fight for their well being and protection. She is intelligent, witty and selfless. She is strong, independent, self reliant and well, lets just say I have heard her anger and you do not want to go there with her !!! Her and her sister, QOS, I feel for any man who crosses their path. Ouch !!!                  I live for those moments , which sadly are very few and far between. I soak up every smile, every laugh, every tear.  Yes, the tears come the last day during the goodbye. But, we vowed we never say goodbye, it is "until next time".  When we hug, I hold tight and do not want to let go. I smell her and caress her because I am not sure when the next visit will be. Seeing her tear up , just tears me up inside, I cannot even begin to describe the emotional pain that consumes you.  Definitely not a good feeling.  To this day, I can still taste our last kiss and I breathed in the smell of her skin and hair....total bliss. Now , I can just close my eyes at night and relive those moments. They help keep me at peace.
For me I hope to have the chance to live life out there with my wife and family.  It is a far fetched dream, but as my Bella says, if you have hope you have a fighting chance and never give up hope.......more about our visit later.... I love you Bella.