After finding out that my husband of 22 years has been cheating on me with young prostitutes for many of those years, my “white picket fence” world came crashing down around me.  I just couldn’t fathom how he could betray me, our children, and the life we had spent so much time building together.  I still don’t understand it, but we are trying to work through it and re-build our future.  I feel like my decision to stay with him and try to keep our family intact was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.  It would have been easier to turn and walk away and rebuild my life by myself.  I love my children with every ounce of my being, and I just didn’t want them to be affected by their father’s depravity.  So here I sit, trying to grasp onto things that will strengthen me as an individual, and help me on my road to become less dependent on him for my well being.  This second chance that I have given him is a once shot deal.  If it happens again, I will have no choice but to end our marriage.  Therefore, I have to get stronger.

I decided to do a boudoir shoot with Roseville Boudoir Photographer Jillian Todd because I wanted to celebrate my strength, and my inner beauty.  I wanted something positive to mark this difficult time in my life.  I’m 48 years old.  I can’t compete with 25 year olds, but I have always taken care of my appearance, and feel like I’m doing pretty well for my age.  I immediately connected with Jillian through her website.  I felt like she was looking right into my soul and already understood me and my motivation for doing this before we ever even spoke for the first time.

Planning my outfits and shopping for them was just as fun as the actual shoot.  I made sure to savor every part of this experience because it meant so much to me.  In my mind, this was me taking control of my life, my body, and my situation.  It was fun to keep this a secret from my husband.  Truly, this experience was mine and mine alone.

Naturally, I was very nervous heading to the studio on the day of the shoot.  But, meeting Jillian calmed those nerves right away.  She is a girl’s best friend.  She’s heartfelt, understanding, compassionate, and brilliant at what she does! I truly believe that she cares deeply for each woman that she photographs, and brings out the very best in them.  Her studio is awesome, and the poses are flattering, tasteful, beautiful and sexy. My experience in there that day was priceless.  It was healing, comforting, empowering, and something that I will carry with me forever.

The day I came back to view the pictures for the first time, I was overwhelmed.  I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were.  I was brought to tears.  Through those pictures, Jillian brought out all of the different facets of who I am.  My beauty, my heart, my strength, and even a little naughtiness was all displayed on a screen right in front of me!  Together, we created an album that I will enjoy and cherish forever.

On days when I am feeling less than beautiful, or less than strong, feeling insecure or lacking confidence…..all I have to do is pull out my secret album and I’m reminded of all of those empowering feelings I had that day.  It gives me renewed strength and resolve to press on towards my quest to find my worth in and of myself, and not let the hideous thing that my husband did define me.  I totally have Jillian to thank for that.

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