Are you wondering whether punishing kids for lying, not eating dinner, getting bad grades or something else you were not pleased about as a parent is a good idea? The reailty here is that there are a lot of different ways to discipline kids, and what works for one family might not work for another. Some people believe in using punishment as a way to teach their children right from wrong, while others feel that there are better alternatives. Some people believe that it’s the only way to get kids to behave, while others believe that it only teaches them to be afraid of authority figures and doesn’t actually help them learn what they did wrong. So what’s the answer?

Punishment can be a negative experience for kids

When it comes to punishment, there are definitely pros and cons. On one hand, Punishing Kids can teach them discipline and help them learn right from wrong. On the other hand, punishment can be a negative experience for kids that could do more harm than good. So what should you do if your child misbehaves? It really depends on the situation. Sometimes a simple warning or verbal rebuke is enough to get your point across.

When parents focus on using punishment as a way of disciplining, children often fail to learn the correct lessons. It turns out that using punishment is neither the only way, nor even the best, way to discipline children successfully.    

Old forms of punishment

When I was growing up parents relied on physical punishments such as smacking their children in order to correct their behaviours. It was awful. One common form of punishment–spanking–was especially damaging, as it taught an unintended lesson about how humans could use physical force to make people behave as they wanted. Parents who spank-control or otherwise abuse their children frequently feel invalidated because, in the back of their minds, they feel wrong about the way they are disciplining.   

Setting children up to fail

A childs behaviours and parents reactions may feed off of one another, spiraling toward increasingly punitive punishment. When you punish your child repeatedly for behaviours that they cannot control, you are setting them up to fail. The more physical punishments your child gets, the more violent he or she becomes. You will instill fear and anxiety in them that they will take with them into adulthood, which was exactly my own experience. You will teach them that aggressive actions and fighting back is the only way to protect themselves.

Numerous studies back this up and have found that punishing kids – severe or punitive punishment- particularly when in the form of physical beatings, leads to the development of aggressive behaviors in children in the future, although severe or punitive punishment can stop the negative behaviors in a child in the present. One study on the effects of physical punishments on later aggressive behaviors of children found that the more often the child was physically punished, the greater the likelihood he would act aggressively towards other family members and peers.

Punishment does not discourage a child’s behaviour

An inherent sense of justice may keep punishment from working the way you would like and may foster a raging child. When you hand out harsh punishment, often in the heat of the moment, you are focusing on winning a battle instead of teaching your child how to make better choices next time. Without fixing a flawed mindset, you are simply trying to shape the behaviour with punishment, not teaching your child new alternative behaviours.

The way forward

When it comes to punishing kids, there are two schools of thought – those who believe that it is an effective way to teach children how to behave, and those who believe that there are alternatives to punishment that can be just as effective. What we do know is that punishments such as spanking or grounding have been shown to be ineffective in the long run. Studies have shown that children who are punished frequently are more likely to engage in anti-social behaviour later on in life. So what are the alternatives? Here Dr Claire Halsey of Triple P Parenting shares some solutions:

Understand why your child is acting out

Everything your child does or says is a communication – whether that is joy, satisfaction with an achievement or anger and disappointment. Children are still learning how to communicate their needs and feelings. Before reacting, ask yourself what’s behind your child’s mood or behaviour and try to solve that problem. For example, a child may show distress and frustration if they feel unwell, hungry or even need reassuring. The crucial first step is to understand what the cause of the behaviour is. They are only just learning how to express strong feelings appropriately so you are a great role model when you respond calmly.

At other times, a child will act out not because they feel unwell, but because they need attention, or perhaps avoid something they don’t want to do like chores or homework. The same approach holds true here, working out how to meet their needs, or to motivate rather than punish can help resolve most issues.

Being consistent yourself – even when you feel tired or annoyed – helps your child feel secure and that their world is predictable. This means they’re more likely to abide by house rules and understand expectations when it comes to their behaviour.

Be realistic

It’s unrealistic to expect your child to behave perfectly all the time. Misbehaviour or a lack of cooperation is only a problem if it starts to occur often, that is it’s frequent enough to raise stresses in the family or get in the way of positive relationships. Expecting too much of your child will only lead to frustration for both of you.

Your goal as a parent is to support your child to be as independent as befits their age and stage and start to make decisions for themselves as early as possible rather than to be in charge of everything yourself.  When they follow the example you’ve set in behaviour, values and kindness the majority of the time, that’s a great start. You’ll be helping them become self-reliant and self-disciplined individuals.

What should I do instead?

When there is a problem, your child does need to understand that there are consequences to their actions. Responses to tantrums and disobedience should encourage your child to regulate their own emotions, rather than make them feel more rebellious, or even scared.
Catching problem behaviour before it escalates is a great start. Thinking first about what your child’s behaviour is communicating can lead to low key solutions such as moving a child away from overstimulating situations or giving them a minute or two to sit quietly away from a game or activity.

If you must use a consequence these work best if they are brief 1 to 5 minutes of no TV for example, rather than longer periods which often lead to more misbehaviour or giving in for a quieter life!

Plenty of rewards when children behave well are also vital in teaching them how you want them to express their needs and behaviour. Whether that’s a star chart or earning extra quality time with you there are lots of positive ways to help your child.

What to do if you’ve punished your child

If you have used physical or harsh punishment with your child the first thing to do is redress this, apologise and ensure your child is okay. Recognise that your levels of stress and distress have got in the way of parenting as you want and seek ways to solve what’s led to your reaction. Seek the help of caring friends, family or health professionals to learn alternative strategies to manage your child’s behaviour and your own feelings and reactions. It’s important to recognise that no one is a perfect parent and sometimes you’ll make mistakes. Handling these well and seeking help if needed is the most effective action you can take.

Don’t be afraid to ask for support

If you feel like you need support in addressing your child’s issues, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Millions of parents around the world feel unsure of how to handle their child’s behaviour – it’s completely normal. There’s no need for you to go through this alone. Support is available through programmes such as Triple P which provides online and in-person courses for parents. They are a great way to learn new approaches to parenting that are backed by research and proven by parents. They will help you raise happy, resilient children and allow you to stay calm and content throughout your parenting journey. 

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