Have you ever had the feeling that you’ve won, but then, realised it was a mistake on your part and you’ve actually lost ? Well, that’s what happened to me today.
Dealing with Infertility and hormonal imbalance for years has made me intricately aware of my monthly cycle. So, when, a few days back, I noticed something different – something which is associated as being one of the symptoms of pregnancy – I took it as a positive sign and a ray of Hope lit up deep within my heart and soul. I felt I would definitely succeed this month.
I was so excited at the change that in my mind, I began celebrating early. I became full of life and made joyous plans for arrival of my little one. I was bursting to tell my husband that I was highly optimistic .. that perhaps this month could be the month we were waiting for since we got married almost 5 years back, but I kept mum in order to surprise him next week when I was totally sure and had truly missed a period . I tried to remain as normal as possible around him.
But I had already begun moulding my lifestyle – I tried my best to avoid things which could lead to an early miscarriage – like lifting weights, sitting in a squatting position , taking stress etc. Before eating anything, like dates, grapes etc, I searched online whether they would be good for me or not. I began reading on what kind of food to take & what to avoid during the first trimester.
Random thoughts would cross my mind whether my body would produce enough progesterone to carry the child to term but then, I would dismiss them equally fast thinking The One who had granted me the ability to conceive would take care of everything else too.
I thought that if I fell Pregnant normally this month, it would truly be a miracle. The Lord truly works in the most amazing of ways. On one hand, my SIL managed to get pregnant through IVF after 4 years of infertility and I would get pregnant around the same time with no treatment or medications at all after being infertile for much longer.
But, alas, my happiness was short-lived and my hopes were dashed. Today, I got spotting – my usual pattern of beginning an af – that too on the normal 28th day – not even a day up. When I saw it, the first thing I said was “Inna lillahi wa inna ilahi rajiyoon” – To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. This is what Muslims say when faced with a loss, calamity or death of a loved one. I was heart-broken and I knew I would just end up wallowing in self-pity and misery if I remained home alone, so, I immediately went over to my neighbour’s home for around 3 hours or so to take my mind off stuff and calm down a bit.
Anyways, I’m back to square one now. My husband had said we would begin infertility treatment in January 2018. Let’s see when he gathers the courage to take the first step. My in-laws are coming later this week and will most likely stay till the end of this month, so, I don’t think he will do anything this month.
My journey of hope and faith continues…