Infertility hurts…it’s really painful to come across women who have kids while I’m the deprived one. It stabs me deep in the heart when women comment “What do you do alone at home all day?”. Obviously, their kids add meaning and purpose to their life while my life is seemingly pointless.
My husband keeps dilly-dallying in seeking treatment…when my in-laws are here, he does absolutely nothing and they visit rather frequently…if one wants to seek Treatment for infertility, one needs to visit the doctors again and again on different dates of the monthly cycle which is virtually impossible if they’re here. They’re going to come back again tomorrow after a 10 day gap for some work. I got piles the last time they were here because I had to remain standing for longer durations because of the extra workload.
Anyway, back to my infertility journey, a few days back, he told me he plans to start treatment from 2018…which will mark 5 years of our marriage. No amount of my requesting or pleading has made him get a simple semen analysis done all these years. He always has excuses on hand and his favourite excuse is that he doesn’t have time. Like he’s the busiest person in the world. Dude, everyone has 24 hours in a day. No matter how busy your schedule is, you have to take out time. Fact is, he just loves to procastinate – he only does what he wants to do when he wants to do. Whenever I complain, he gives me a 2 hour lecture on not having faith in the Almighty , that things only happen when they’re destined to happen, not having belief in the power of prayer…blah blah blah. His logic and reasoning is flawed. Faith in God does not mean inaction, but he does not get it. I’m tired of his timelines and empty promises.
He has PG entrance examinations in January, so, I can forget about everything – going on a holiday, infertility treatment etc for the next two months.
I’m tired – I’m frustrated – I’m angry because I’m powerless to do anything alone. Infertility is not an individual problem – it’s a couple problem and both spouses should fully co-operate in seeking help. My husband claims he wants kids as badly as I do but his inactivity in the matter is appalling. If you really want something, you’ll find a way. From childhood, he has been spoon fed, so, he can never take any individual decision on his own confidently. He’s always unsure and depends on others to do stuff for him. Even for going anywhere, he waits on his friends to accompany him. None of our friends are battling with infertility, so, who will guide us in this journey?
I’ve seen infertile couples do everything under the sun in order to conceive. Unlike us. I’m worried because I’m not getting any younger. My eggs are not going to last forever. As I age, their quality along with quantity will begin to deplete. I would love to raise kids when I still have the youth and energy not when I’m burnt out.
Nobody understands the internal turmoil I battle on a daily basis. It seems only a miracle can help me attain what I seek so desperately.