Here's an article from today's Age that really got me thinking...
Armed with some anaesthetic, a tube of KY Jelly and a test tube, a group of marine scientists have attempted the world's first artificial insemination of a Shark at the Melbourne Aquarium.
After monitoring a reluctant pair of male and Female seven-gill sharks for two years, a team of Monash University researchers, veterinarians and divers performed the insemination this week.
Four divers used a large plastic bag to catch the reluctant sperm donor, a 2.5-metre shark named Gonzo.
Aquarium veterinarian Dr Robert Jones said the shark's aggressive behaviour meant the team had to work quickly. "Our aim is not to have stressed sharks so we set an absolute limit of 10 minutes," he said.
Because sharks breathe oxygen through their gills while swimming, researchers held Gonzo still to induce a catatonic state before turning the 90-kilogram shark onto his back to retrieve the semen.
The divers then inseminated Lonnie, a 2.6-metre, 100-kilogram ovulating Female Shark, using a catheter.
While the painless operation took seven minutes, the team will have to wait up to three months to know whether the insemination has resulted in a pregnancy.
Good one - now I know, should I ever feel inclined to do this for myself, how to impregnate a female shark: "Female shark - check. Shark sperm - check. KY Jelly. Rubber Gloves. Catheter tube. Check, check, check".
But alas, the details seem a bit fuzzy when it comes to the 'how-to-milk-a-shark's-manjam' bit. Enquiring minds like mine need to know - how exactly did they extract Gonzo's shark-jizz?
Ok, so I know they tipped him on his back after slipping him the aquatic equivalent of a Roofie but then what? What was the process from this point on? Did the divers manually 'molest' Gonzo? My god, did they at least attempt to arouse him first??
Example: was a copy of PlayJaws, opened at the centrefold, waved in front of his snout? Maybe they rigged up some underwater fish-porn - 'Finding Punani' or any of the Jaws films? Alright - godammit - I'm just gonna come right out and say it: DID THEY MASTURBATE THIS BLOODY SHARK?
