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Jason 3.0

Life...

& Otherwise...

It still amazes me how life twists and turns unexpectedly...

But then again, I'm not crazy... And I have a therapist to prove it... However, my taste in men notwithstanding, 10 months post-breakup, 6 months post his moving out (hella long story there)? If anything, I'm a hopeless, helpless romantic...

The therapist said I wouldn't be single long... not because I'm all that and a bag of chips, not because I get lonely, not because I have emotional issues around being with someone... I tend to make up my mind quickly when I like something... I'm not one to stay on the pot, as it were. I'm there, I shit, I move on. Lessons learned, but as we all know, some lessons need to be relearned in under circumstances, with new kinds of crazy...

Are there new kinds of crazy? Well, new to me... After years with a paranoid-schizo, this last time with bipolar ADHD, the new one seems to have the same issues I do. We like what we like, we don't take compliments well (though we try), we've both been burned by the exes and dealt with drug abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse... It sucks that I do tend to have battered wife syndrome, constantly apologetic, increased heart rate and concern whenever a car drives by with uber-loud speakers at any point of the day...

What the fuck has happened to me?

Ugh. Making it through. Dealing, talking, finding the me moments again... Can I just say how stress-free it is to be able to walk around my bed again? To have books on bookcases again? To see my floor, even though I still hate that it's white and always looks dirty?

I can see my dirty floors and that makes me happy.... File that under sentences you don't hear every day...

I don't have near the patience I used to have. Not even close.

I still have a trusting naive streak, to be sure. Sometimes I love this part of my personality, sometimes not so much.

I still love sitting outside and listening to the rain.

I love my chihuahuas, even though they aren't mine by choice but by circumstance, and I'll still tell you they are the most annoying little shits ever created by mankind... but I love them regardless. I will have a real dog again one day, though, and never again own a dog under 20 pounds. Fucking chihuahuas...

I still have dreams. I will own a house, though I've certainly been set back. I will marry a man I love one day, and he will love me back the way every human should be loved.

I'm still afraid of failure.

I'm still afraid of getting into "trouble," though at 41 years old, you would think I'd have kicked that stupid fear to the curb by now... Ugh... grow up religious with a meek, naive, trusting personality... you'll understand.

I still love to read, draw, and garden. I'm sprouting three avocado trees as I type this, along with a myriad of tropical and subtropical plants I still don't know most of the names of six years later after moving to Florida, but I love growing them nonetheless.

I still love love.

I still adore upbeat music with a steady beat and a catchy melody. I also still love a good angry rock song when the mood calls for it.

I still like me, although I don't think I've ever really loved me like I do these days. It's rough growing up thinking you have to be perfect as Jesus was perfect. You hear it every day for 18 years, it does something to a brain. Religion fucks with everyone though. (Cue excuses about religion versus "spirituality" and the like... and then insert my mega-eye roll...)

I will always, always roll my eyes. That much I can guarantee is unavoidable and genetically ingrained into my being...

What is it to be a normal, functioning human?

I'm not sure anyone knows, but a lot of people like to pretend to know.What I do know is that I'm about as normal as I'm ever gonna be.

I'm still going to need the Lady of Shallot print above my couch in the living room, no matter where I live, as long as I live...

I'm still going to need to have bookcases filled with books, with subjects as vast and different as there are subjects to write and read about.

I'm still going to have to have pizza every week.

I realize these aren't needs and are very much first-world problems, as it were.

Saying "need" when it should be "want" is also a pet peeve unless it's me doing the needing/wanting... But we're also all a little hypocritical sometimes too.

I am Jason 3.0.

I am me. I am not perfect. But I'm doing the best I can.

What else is there to do?

This is Life... & Otherwise...



This post first appeared on Life & Otherwise..., please read the originial post: here

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