Monday




Rob decides to take Charlie to Kingsmead in Durban to watch the Saffas annihilate the Poms in the test match. Charlie takes a little South African flag with him. It’s actually Mason’s, given to him tentatively by a lady in a shop in an attempt to thwart a tantrum that he was having.



Charlie decides he wants to get autographs. He’s never heard of any of the South African team so Rob reluctantly agrees to allow him to try and get some England ones. Rob spies the Sky TV crew and sends Charlie over with instructions to be polite. Ian Botham, David Gower and co. are besieged by Barmy Army spawn, all shouting OI BEEFY! and the like. Charlie’s earnest cries of ‘Mr Botham!, Mr Pollock!’ are like balm to their senses and Charlie swiftly acquires the scribbles of five ex England Captains. Rob grits his teeth.



Kate and Mason are at home. There are only three channels on the TV as they don’t have cable yet. Kate suggests to Mason that they try and see if they can see Daddy and Charlie at the cricket game which seems to be shown on all three. They can’t see them. The monkeys arrive on the balcony and Kate guiltily decides to feed them a plum in an attempt to entertain Mason, even though she has been forbidden to do so by Rob.

This form of entertainment doesn’t last long, as a huge beast with swaying blue jewels runs up to her and grabs said plum out of her hands. The old lady next door watches from her balcony and clucks disapprovingly.



The Poms batter the Saffas and Rob says that if Kate’s Dad phones, he’s not in.



Tuesday



The Kops’ go to a reptile farm just down the road. Upon arrival they enter a barn type building where two large Afrikaans looking men are lounging on a dirty sofa, one of whom seems to have only one leg. Kate wonders if one of the reptiles ate it. They are shown around by a young lady of a dusky complexion called Maria, who impresses Rob with her knowledge of all things scaly. The kids love the reptiles, but Kate can see Rob getting very twitchy as they go into the snake house. Maria proudly shows them a Black Mamba which eyes them beadily. Maria says that if one bites you, the poison will kill you in three minutes. Kate asks if there’s anything that you can do. Maria says that you should lie down and cross your arms over your chest so that it’s easier to get you into your coffin.



Wednesday



Rob is playing golf with a friend who works at his school. Kate hopes that the friend knows a plastic surgeon and can put in a good word for her on the job front. The sooner she gets her tits done the better she reckons.

Kate and the kids go to Gateway, aka ‘The biggest shopping mall in the Southern Hemisphere’ Kate isn’t really impressed by this. Where else are they likely to have malls in the Southern Hemisphere? The Aussies and Kiwis don’t seem to be leading the fashion pack right now and probably slaughter small animals they find in their gardens for food, why would they need a mall anyway? Asia? they all walk around bare foot in their nighties and live on curry, nope, no likely competitors there!

The mall is huge and packed due to the holiday. The shops aren’t as fabulous as in the UK - no Zara or FCUK, where is Kate supposed to achieve her shopping high?

They go into a petshop so Mason can look at the animals. Ten minutes later they emerge with a baby blue ringnecked parakeet with cage and accessories. Charlie is looking concerned and assures Kate that Rob will go mad as they aren’t supposed to have pets in their rather elegant house. Kate huffs that she doesn’t care and that part of the deal was that the kids had a pet, and anyway, what damage is a tiny bird going to do? Mason eyes the bird hungrily.



They arrive home half an hour later. The bird has managed to deposit large swathes of crap down the passenger seat of Rob’s pride and joy – their new Toyota. Kate quickly cleans it up. Rob staggers in with his golf buddy who has been plying him with beers on the golf course. Charlie’s eyes are large as Rob spots the bird. A bird! Cool! exclaims Rob. Charlie exhales and Kate looks smug. Mason sits on the couch investigating his willy.



Thursday



The baby parakeet has been christened Stanley by the Kops’. It is 14 weeks old and still has to be fed cereal from a spoon. Kate does this but gets very frustrated when the bird dribbles his cereal all over his chest. He makes no move to groom it away, so Kate grabs it and gives it a sponge bath. She says no member of this household is going to sit covered in their own muck. Rob starts giving odds on the bird pegging it within a month. Charlie’s eyes go all wide again.



The Kops’ go to the beach as the day is hot and the sky is blue. It’s packed, but they find a spot next to a tidal pool where kids seem to be having a whale of a time. Mason floats around in his arm bands and Charlie goes off with his boogie board, eyeing up a few young hotties on the way. He has been doing stuff like this a lot recently, in addition to insisting that Kate look at the hairs on his balls to see if more have grown (there is one fluffy little hair from what Kate can see.) he has also taken to pointing out the nipples of various young ladies who have foolishly ventured out braless. Kate has told him she’s not interested in the chest furniture of teenage girls and to keep his observations to himself. Rob has told him to point out any braless women to him too, but warned him not to play with his willy too much or his legs will drop off.



Kate looks at the people on the beach. She tells Rob that for such a sporting, fit nation, she’s not very impressed with the state of the South African men. They’re all so fat! How can they strut around like peacocks with their huge bellies hanging over their shorts like that? The only male who looks like he cares about his body is blatantly gay. Kate sighs, it’s always the gays who are the fit ones.

Rob says that this is the family beach and the men on here have all been fattened up by their wives so that other women won’t look at them. All the real men are at the beach further down. It’s the fault of the wives, Rob confirms. Kate notices that he sucks in his belly and puffs out his chest as he goes to float with Mason.



At home, Rob and Kate bemoan having no babysitter for the New Year celebrations. Kate says never mind, we can get pissed at home! Rob cheers up at this, he obviously thinks his luck is in tonight! He scuttles off to the liquor store, where he has to queue for ages behind lines of the duskily complected ones.

Kate is making seafood pasta for dinner. She starts knocking back the white wine and at around seven o’clock, she is hammered. Rob rolls his eyes and sends her to bed with Mason who is pleased that he now has someone who will reply in kind when he chunters nonsense at them. Rob and Charlie decide to see the New Year in together. They both end up going to bed around ten.



Kate is woken up just before midnight by Mason, who is snivelling by the side of their bed saying “ I is a little bit scared.” Rob dutifully gets up and stumbles into Mason’s room and into his bed. Mason gets into bed with Kate and starts demanding apple juice ‘bot bots’. Eventually he falls asleep and starts kicking Kate and drooling on her in his sleep. He also snores like a blocked drain.



HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Friday



Kate wakes up and exhausts her supply of Nurofen Plus. She surveys her African domain. The vast tiled floors are covered in muck and it needs a mop. Stanley has somehow managed to angle his puckered little birdy arse out of his cage and managed to deposit a large moist turd on the floor. He glares at Kate balefully from his cage and she begins to wish she could sell him on Ebay like all her other unwanted purchases.



Kate has swept and mopped the floors three times since they’ve been here and each time has ended up dripping with sweat. Each time Rob has cheerfully informed her that she smells like a ‘Mine Kaffir’. Kate tells Rob it’s his turn. As expected, Rob starts grumbling on about how it’s her job because he goes out and works for a living. Kate points out that he doesn’t actually start til the 19th of Jan and to get off his arse and get on with it.



Kate, Charlie and Mason lie on her bed. Charlie reads his book and Kate reads Mason a story about a tickly sheep. They can hear Rob grunting, swearing and cursing as he attempts to sweep the floor. He shouts out that Kate’s long hairs are everywhere and keep getting stuck to the broom and blowing around. Kate shouts back that she’s quite happy to cut all her hair really short like she did once before and look like a lesbian again. Rob shuts up for five minutes as he has seen the photos of the lesbian haircut, but the banging about gets louder. He marches in and announces that he’s going to pay a ‘Black’ to come in and do this twice a week because Whites shouldn’t have to do this type of work. Kate considers this and realises that Rob has been quite happy for this ‘White’ to hoover up his shit and pick his dirty pants up for the past five years. She decides to keep her gob shut as she quite likes the idea of someone else getting hot, sweaty and smelly besides herself.



Rob goes back to his cursing and chuntering. Kate and Charlie roll their eyes at each other. Kate, deciding to further Charlie’s knowledge of adult relationships, tells him that this is a well known trick employed by adult males when they want to get out of household chores. They will either complain so much, or do such a slovenly job, that the adult female will undoubtedly sigh and just do the job themselves, never bothering to ask for help again. However, she tells Charlie, she is not so easily swayed, and despite her OCD impulses, is resisting the urge to grab the mop from Rob and do the job herself. Charlie, instead of congratulating his mother on her cunning and strength of resolve, gets a strange look of revelation on his face. He declares that’s the best trick he’s ever heard of, and goes back to his book. Kate realises she has just done Charlie’s future wife a grave disservice and goes back to reading about tickly sheep.