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Wow it's been 4 months!

Hello there, you may remember me from this blog. I hardly blog at all these days, and then one day Suddenly i'll think of something and then decide to blog. So here I am.

I wanted to start off this post talking about life's ups and downs, but I feel like i've began a few posts like that already, so it's getting a bit stale. On the other hand it's been 4 months, so who would remember besides me?

Lots of things have happened in the recent and not so recent times, things that I havent told anyone about. As days begin to blur, one into the next, I've begun to question where the hell my life is going. Have I made good choices in life. Some days i'd feel hopeful, and the next i'd feel helpless. I visited the beyond blue organisation's website and had a good read through. Depression. Anxiety. Am I depressed? There's a 1 minute anxiety and depression checklist, which I completed. Reading through the questions I thought i'd pass with flying colours but I scored 'moderate', whatever that means.

Reading more into it I checked out the signs and symptoms. Some things i'd think yeah that's me - not going out anymore? Yeah i've been a bit anti social (or maybe more than a bit). Some i'd think no way - sleeplessness, lack of appetite, unable to concentrate. So I decide to get back on the horse. It's sad that when I think I want to meet new people, I think of grindr et al. Personally, it's more a social app than a hookup app (mostly) but it's like I don't know how to meet people in real life anymore.

And suddenly i'm meeting/scheduled to meet up with a bunch of new people within a few weeks. That makes me happy. I felt more like my old self. My old self being always up for hanging out. A friend wants to go out for a drink or 3 at 11pm? I'm down with that.

The first one was a friend in town for the weekend so we spent Saturday night drinking and hit a club too till the early hours of the morning. It was actually a really fun night, something I felt like I hadn't done in a long time.

The next actually started with a hookup - well we'd chatted years ago but never met up, so we finally did. Then we spent an hour or 2 chatting and actually getting to know each other. Until he kicked me out of his bed. We caught up for drinks the following week (who knew beer needed to be vegan? lol). Then we went for a drive down to the beach (stopped at Maccas on the way) and I dropped him home. I can tell he likes me, but i'm really in a weird place at the moment. Not looking for dates, more mates which I hope he's ok with.

He wanted to catch up again and go for a drive, but then he offered me petrol money. I took that really badly. Wer're not going on a roadtrip! Yeah I know it was a nice gesture on his part but I wasn't seeing it. Maybe it's a matter of pride. Maybe it's a matter of not knowing him so well yet. I gave him a bit of a dressing down (via text) and then apologised which is what I always seem to do, but we'll catch up again soon, i'm sure. Well I think.

That brings us to this week. I had plans for both last night and tonight. The guy from last night suddenly had a work thing come up. Catching up afterwards was a possibility but I didn't hear back from him till this morning - which I thought was not cool. Then I messaged the guy I was supposed to catch up with for drinks tonight to reconfirm we were still on and he let me know he'd accidentally double booked. Maybe afterwards was an option but had to play things by ear (yeah afterwards didn't happen either). That's 0 for 2 this week.

What is it about social meets via grindr/manhunt/scruff that makes them so damn low in the food chain of social catchups? Somewhere between hanging out with a long lost cousin who only contacts you if he wants something and hanging with your homophobic uncle? (Just examples, not actual fact haha). It's almost like if anything else comes along you'd rather be doing that.

Maybe it's just me but if i'd book something in, not only would I be looking forward to it, but if something else comes up i'd turn it down. It's kind of like a first date. You could be a really awesome/funny/amazing/fill in adjective guy, but if we have to take a raincheck before we've even met, thats gotta leave a bad taste in your mouth.

And then there's another guy. Yes we were chatting on grindr for a good few days, got along like a house on fire. Funny, good looking (those 2 really do it for me). And when I load his grindr profile... online 7 days ago. I have a first name, and a street that he lives on. I'm not gonna try and track him down but if he never comes back online, that's pretty sad. I guess that really makes it 0 for 3 this week. I guess I don't need to wonder why i've become anti social...

May next week be a little brighter :)

This post first appeared on Living Thru Hell, One Day At A Time, please read the originial post: here

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Wow it's been 4 months!


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