2023-10-31 15:39
It's the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin...Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And I have not written gibberish for a while on my blog as… Read More
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The Witty Ways Of A Wayward Wife Blog
janeturleydiaryofamadhousewife.blogspot.com
Tags:
writing
sebastian faulks
fantasia
gerard butler
book
legal
tortilla
parttime job
tennis career
gibberish
A humorous blog of a British housewife covering all topics from parenting to writing and everything else in-between.
2023-02-02 22:54
I've been practising my haikus, which you may recall, I'm not particularly good at. However, I wanted to address the woke issue in a concise, meaningful way as it is such a serious matter fo… Read More
2023-01-08 21:24
So this post is just going to be a stream of possibly (wildly erratic) thoughts. So hang on to your breeches; we could go anywhere with them.Cripes, I only managed three posts last year. And… Read More
2022-03-25 18:45
An ex-secret service agent with a personality problem and a desire for imperial glory.An aged president who looks like he's got a giant fork prong stuck up his arse to keep him upright.A flo… Read More
2022-03-11 00:30
Since my post earlier last night, I've been sorting my books and CDs, which until recently have been still packed in my basement in my new home.The basement (or glorified cellar if you wish)… Read More
2022-03-10 22:27
Contrary to my post last year saying I was back in the writing business, my time writing on my blog has been limited. Mainly that's because after moving home, I started a new job with a nati… Read More
2021-10-14 00:21
Many years ago, I read Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks. It's a terrific, emotive book that now sits on school syllabuses alongside other past literary masterpieces. If you've not read it then y… Read More
2021-10-12 22:59
The lights have been out on this blog for over a year, but now, at last, I return. I do so to remember what creative writing is like and unlock the key to my imagination. Where else better t… Read More
2021-01-15 18:48
My short story Fantasia is free to download as an ebook on Kindle for five days. Please feel free to share with friends and anyone who might be interested. It's already gone to no 1 in the f… Read More
2020-11-20 00:34
There was a buffoon called Johnson Who thought he was Charles Bronson But he fucked-up Brexit So attempted to exit Dressed as a woman in Labour Unfortunately for Boris No one was fool… Read More
2020-11-18 00:29
It is more than likely I will change my name in the very near future which will no doubt please my husband and his family.However, I will be probably be keeping Turley as a pseudonym for my… Read More
2020-11-16 22:18
Yes, I have had three glasses of wine as I am off work for a few days as I am self-isolating prior to a minor medical procedure. I am, therefore, feeling a little ribald. So, I decided to wr… Read More
2020-10-27 23:36
A few months ago I was generously given a phone as mine kept dying on me and the battery was one of those irreplaceable ones.I duly set-up facial recognition in addition to a password.Unfort… Read More
2020-10-18 11:00
On Wednesday I had a meeting with my solicitor, a pensions actuary and my husband's barrister. I had been told to expect my husband and his solicitor in the virtual meeting room. (Yes… Read More
2020-04-09 23:35
Apparently, many people are more aware of their dreams at the moment because they are resting and sleeping more. Some dreams appear to be related to the pandemic in that they feat… Read More
2020-04-08 23:05
We have an expression in the UK "dressed to kill" which is an expression for basically making the most of your appearance and trying to look as attractive as possible.Now when you reach my g… Read More
2020-04-04 15:40
After my post on A where I explored the use of shrivelled apples in my fridge in this time of lockdown, I thought you might like to see one of my other creative recipes.So basically, last we… Read More
2020-04-02 22:07
I had a look back at my previous B posts for the A to Z and saw that I'd come with Bullshit (a personal favourite) Brighton Cock (a spin on Brighton Rock, the novel by Grahame Greene), … Read More
2020-04-01 20:31
So, here I am on April Fool's Day back here on my blog unprepared, as ever, to participate in the A to Z. I have zero ideas what I am going to write about so as usual this is where I say to… Read More
2020-03-14 17:26
On April 1st, which is April Fool's Day here in the UK, this blog reopens for business as I rejoin the virtual world in the April A to Z blogging challenge.So whilst you are in lockdown, gna… Read More
2019-11-24 13:28
I was clearing down some of my emails this morning while I was looking for a particular email and came across a number of emails dating back to my early blogging days. It brought me back her… Read More
2019-09-23 19:40
IFIf is a crazy wordOr an unhealthy turdIf only I had done thisOr thatThrown away the keyAnd just been meIf only I had said noAnd fought my foeIf only I had done thisOr thatInstead I stuck i… Read More
2019-01-25 18:46
So there are enough people coming back here to prompt me to crawl from under my bed to write to a post and thank you all for taking the time to visit my somewhat stagnant blog.So, I am still… Read More
2018-08-09 13:21
Hmm .... let’s see last week I worked 56 hours.The week before 67 hours.The week before 55 hours.The week before 55 hours.Well that’s what I claimed on my zero hours contract but… Read More
2018-04-30 14:44
Okay C is for celebrate but given this is the last day in my present job which has been a nightmare from day one I think I can take a grammatical liberty. I am overjoyed to be leaving.  &hell…Read More
2018-04-22 13:36
I am currently on a rollercoaster of emotions.On the whole, I believe I have coped admirably well give the unenviable situation I was left in 20 months ago.There have been times of utter des… Read More
2018-04-22 09:05
Quaint is a funny old word. Not many people use it these days. It means “attractively old-fashioned or unusual”.Perhaps how you might describe Miss Marple, Jessica Fletcher, a Tu… Read More
2018-04-20 14:36
Okay, so I'm going to talk about pants. British pants. Not American pants which are, in fact, trousers.Got it?Just to clarify, British pants are knickers or G-strings, boxers, hipsters, Y-fr… Read More
2018-04-20 11:23
My current job is almost over. I have 8 working days left. I will probably weep for joy when I leave what has, undoubtedly, been the worst experience of my working life, both paid and volunt… Read More
2018-04-19 13:32
One of the things you begin to appreciate more as you get older is silence.I remember when I was a girl and I would ask my father what he would like for Christmas or his birthday and he woul… Read More
2018-04-19 13:05
Motherhood is a job. Some people don’t think it is. Perhaps they think it’s all tea and gossiping.I’m afraid the only women who might be doing that is are the mega-rich one… Read More
2018-04-18 12:32
So I’m late on the A to Z.Now I don’t mind being late when it’s called for but I am never late for work. At least not without very good reason and I always take the time to… Read More
2018-04-13 06:45
Have you ever given a knee-jerk reaction?One of the skills I’ve learnt as a writer is to be patient and edit what I say. It’s a valuable skill as a writer. But it’s made me… Read More
2018-04-11 22:05
Over the last week, I have written 18,000 words of a new book. I plan to finish it in the next 28 days. I’m on track though as the as the average novel is only 90,000 so I’m alre… Read More
2018-04-11 13:17
I wonder how many people know what “ignoramus means”?I looked it up just to be sure.Basically, it’s a posh word to describe a stupid person. It’s the sort of word qua… Read More
2018-04-10 04:56
Since I have been working back in London, I have been appalled by the number of homeless people I’ve seen. It is so much worse than twenty years ago when I first worked in the capital… Read More
2018-04-07 22:08
Now if you are an oldie like me you may thinking “ghosting” is what happens at midnight in a spooky old house.Apparently not. It is a term now used for when people you’ve d… Read More
2018-04-05 23:22
I don’t think men know enough about forceps. But it’s about time they did. So I’m going to explain what the fear is like when a midwife holds up the forceps and says &ldquo&hell…Read More
2018-04-05 04:43
Okay, I’m not going to beat about the bush. Contrary to what some young people seem to think, people over fifty still have sex and still have erogeneous zones.We are not dead. Some of… Read More
2018-04-04 05:24
So “dipstick” has two meanings. One is a rod for measuring the depth of liquids.The other is a word to describe Donald Trump.Oh crap. The SWAT team are on my doorstep again...I w… Read More
2018-04-03 06:34
Now I'm guessing not a lot people outside of the UK know the word "Codswallop".Basically, it is an old English maritime word used by fishermen. It refers to the old English tradition of usin… Read More
2018-04-02 06:01
In a previous A to Z I talked about “bullshit”, and today I have decided to talk about something in a similar vein which may not be in common usage abroad and is not heard much t… Read More
2018-04-01 13:32
At the very last minute, I have decided to sign up for the Blogging A to Z Challenge. I am going to try and play along even if it is only for a few words a day.So, as usual, I am j… Read More
2018-03-30 22:38
I have had a super stressful time lately. I know this as last night I was lucid dreaming.Some people find lucid dreaming a source of pleasure. This has never been the case for me. Usually, t… Read More
2018-03-15 00:36
I was on a packed commuter train last night and the guy next to me who, at a quick glance, was probably around thirty-years-old started to have a Skype call with his father.Awkward.If you&rs&hell…Read More
2018-03-14 07:29
God, I am exhausted. Three nights with almost no sleep. 4 hours of commuting a day, a nine hour working day for which I spend 8.5 on my feet, propping up my kids with all their various issue… Read More
2018-02-20 10:11
My first day in my new job was easy. Too easy. I’m hoping it will become more challenging because my brain needs more stimulus. And the annoying part of not having enough stimulus is t… Read More
2018-02-19 00:13
On Friday I was offered a temporary job until May 31st in London. The £522 trainfare per month is going to eat into my salary but it’s a job and gives me breathing space.The last… Read More
2018-02-17 18:51
Abuse comes in many forms.I've always been extremely discreet about my private life on this blog. However, with the #metoo campaign still gathering momentum I am reviewing whe… Read More
2018-02-14 08:23
The last few years have definitely felt like a mission impossible for me. And it's not looking like its going to get much easier soon. However, at least I've got something to look… Read More
2018-02-08 12:08
I am currently in the social area of a large British university as Master Ben is on a day course. It is filled with chairs and tables and lots of plug sockets. It is a kind of social work pl… Read More
2018-02-07 11:10
Since I have some time on my hands I've come up with some practical advice to anyone struggling in a relationship. I've put a lot of thought into it as you will see. Here it is:As soon… Read More
2018-02-01 19:47
Since I have more time on my hands I have decided I shall write a little.Today has been a really tough day. I didn’t sleep last night as I am feeling anxious and was bitterly disappoin… Read More
2018-01-31 18:57
Sadly, positive thinking wasn’t enough. I did the best I could up against two internal much younger male candidates.I actually thought when I came out of the room I might have go… Read More
2018-01-28 22:06
I am a great believer in positive thinking. Even when the crap keeps coming your way.Okay, so I am being made redundant on Wednesday. It was moved a month forward (too long to explain) which… Read More
2018-01-09 13:30
I have had a number of requests from different sources to update my blog so, finally, here I am.Firstly, I want to thank all those of you who have continued to pop over here over the course… Read More
2017-09-15 09:40
Okay, folks. Time to come out of the woodwork. I need ideas and themes to write about. Anything you fancy. Next week needs to be Humour Week on this blog so hit me with your ideas and I'll s… Read More
2017-09-15 07:47
This is my lovely son, Jacob, during his first tournament in the US. He is already at no 4 in the college squad. I am so proud of him. It was such a battle over the years with his education… Read More
2017-08-18 11:29
Well the good news is I am still alive. I am also hideously bored at the moment at work so I am doing the inconceivable and writing a post. Unfortunately, my work hours are not the best and… Read More
2017-06-26 09:31
I am a humour writerI am a humour writerI am humour writerI am thinking folks that if I keep telling myself I am a humour writer eventually my humour will return. Not that it ever reall… Read More
2017-05-29 23:32
It's nearly 12pm. My hands are covered with paint as I prepare my home for viewing by the estate agents. I'm tired and emotional.Earlier in the day, I watched my youngest son, the no 1 seed… Read More
2017-05-01 08:09
I was feeling pretty pleased with myself earlier this morning as I made it though the April A to Z Challenge when, truthfully, at the outset I didn't think I'd last the distance. So, as I am… Read More
2017-05-01 04:02
In previous years on the A to Z, I finished off with some spectacularly bad poems: Zachary the Inventor and Ziggy the Zoologist. This was mainly because I couldn't think of any other word ot… Read More
2017-04-30 04:22
I just read my post from yesterday. And I've decided alcohol obviously enables me to get the creative juices flowing as when I started that post I had absolutely no idea what I was going to… Read More
2017-04-28 22:12
Firstly, let's get something out of the way. When I developed my hiatus hernia a couple of years ago I effectively gave up alcohol. However, in order to face a huge mound of ironing earlier… Read More
2017-04-28 13:40
So I am running behind on the A to Z again. Unfortunately, due to the complicated life I lead at the moment, I simply having no energy most days to write. I know some writers seem to thrive… Read More
2017-04-28 12:46
When my children were small "why" was a word which cropped all the time at the beginning of sentences. "Why" would often proceed moments of amusement and laughter when I was forced to e… Read More
2017-04-25 02:58
You still unused large pot of creamYou unwanted gift of Christmas 1988A dusty reminder, who can expressWhy I haven't cleaned my cupboardsFull of bottle ring stains and cobwebsOf dead spiders… Read More
2017-04-25 02:03
Tonight I am going to write about traditions or one British tradition in particular - the "stiff upper lip". Now if you don't know how the "stiff upper lip"tradition came about then let me e… Read More
2017-04-23 16:22
I am currently on my lunch break which I am having to interrupt to report on the obscene matter of middle-aged white British men wearing shorts in the vicinity of my workplace.It is 14 degre… Read More
2017-04-22 22:21
I am a couple of posts behind with the A to Z so I'm going to do a couple of quick posts to play catch-up.So, I am in a melancholic mood tonight so finding my usual spark of creativity is no… Read More
2017-04-21 07:12
There was a lonely hunchback called QuasimodoWho some thought was a homeless hoboBut he lived in a churchWhere he observed life from a perchUntil one day he slipped off and diedBut… Read More
2017-04-19 19:05
*Warning* Do not read this blog if you’re a plumber, married to a plumber, related to a plumber in any way or, possibly, if you once had an affair with a plumber. If, on the other hand… Read More
2017-04-19 17:54
So I was challenged to write a post about Otters by writer John Doppler. He likes them. And I like them. But writing a post about them which is more than saying "John likes them" and "I like… Read More
2017-04-19 03:03
Now before you folks start getting rowdy with me for choosing a pretty ghastly subject, I just wanted to say that this topic was suggested by a work colleague as the obvious follow-up to yes… Read More
2017-04-17 20:41
Yep, I wasn't entirely sure what "Mechanophilia" meant either until a few days ago, during a restless night, I popped over to The Daily Mail for my regular dose of dubious news rep… Read More
2017-04-17 16:56
Do you believe in luck?I'm not sure. Maybe we make our own luck? In the writing world, I often hear writers say that the harder you work the more luck you create. I kinda agree with that sta… Read More
2017-04-14 06:55
I've worked in retail, on and off, for most of my life and it is a very culturally diverse profession. This is because at the bottom rung it is very lowly paid and often has ridiculous worki… Read More
2017-04-12 10:16
So this post is going to stray from my normal gibberish and a be glimpse inside my life.The alternative was writing about jelly which is far too wobbly and reminds me of my arse. So it's a n… Read More
2017-04-11 09:00
So this going to be one of my intellectual posts. (Ho hum.)Let's talk about iambic pentameter.Now to refresh your minds, since I'm sure many of you might have forgotten what iambic pentamete… Read More
2017-04-09 06:50
Tonight, I am going to relate to you one of the worst experiences of my life which happened about three years ago. It was very late at night and I was out in the garden securing the chicken… Read More
2017-04-07 20:59
Tihs posst waaaaaaas going tto be aboooutttt "gulags " so i loook bra iny as I''m worrird peopke mifgt thimk I'm stipid/ Bi… Read More
2017-04-06 22:46
This is going to be one of my rare intimate posts. This is a post where you discover something about me and I get to, hopefully, discover something about you! So don't forget to leave me one… Read More
2017-04-05 22:53
So I've had a couple of suggestions from my writer friend Derrick LoRusso for today's E post. He recommended I write about the words "equestrian" or the "European Union."Which are both… Read More
2017-04-04 23:01
The only word beginning with D that has been cropping in my mind all day in order to write about tonight is "Divorce"- even though I'd already decided I wasn't going to write about it… Read More
2017-04-03 22:08
I was contemplating a few words over the course of the day for tonight's post including castration, conception and carol singers but it's already 10.30pm, I've done three hours of housework… Read More
2017-04-02 23:29
To fully appreciate this post it is best to read my A is for Anno Domini post. (Scroll down.)Julie knew, before she had been in Brighton three hours, that he meant to corrupt her. With… Read More
2017-04-01 13:49
So it's the beginning of the A to Z challenge. It's going to be a challenging month for me as due to my usual lack of diligence I have not prepared anything. This will probably be exacerbate… Read More
2017-03-28 21:11
It's the April A to Z next month which I have enjoyed enormously the last two years. However, with my life currently up shit creek (no point putting rose-tinted glasses on), workin… Read More
2017-01-01 12:05
I forgot to get my beef out of the freezer for our New Year's Day meal. Bah humbug.So shall I go out and get some or go with frozen pizza?Hmm...Maybe I'll just create a new Turley Surprise d… Read More
2016-12-27 22:29
Today my blog is ten years old.It is, frankly, a miracle I have kept this blog up for so long. Who would have guessed that this blog which was started on a whim with a glass of wine in my ha… Read More
2016-11-02 22:15
The Automobile Ass. Dear Sirs,In reference to your recent email stating, "We believe we have resolved this matter for you", my response is "No, you have not." In fact, I have resol… Read More
2016-04-30 21:08
There was a zoologist called ZiggyWho fell for a sweet-hearted piggyThey made love in her styBeneath a moonlight skyAnd wallowed in mud with a ciggy Read More
2016-04-29 23:01
There was an awkward young yeti called YanceyWho had a peculiar fancyHe liked to sniff cheeseAnd lick mushy peasAnd then shove 'em down his girlfriend's panties Read More
2016-04-28 22:21
X is a nightmare letter. Last year I cheated and did X is for the Kissable Letter to get myself out of a hole (my ignorance of words beginning with X) and this year I am going to cheat again… Read More
2016-04-27 21:01
I am sick to death of reading articles by whinging, whining depressed writers or writers pretending to be depressed. It's so depressing I'm actually thinking about killing myself.Okay, maybe… Read More
2016-04-26 22:45
With the prospect of long summer evenings and some pleasant weather ahead I won’t be the only housewife fantasizing about lying on a beach, nibbling grapes, sipping Coladas and being w… Read More
2016-04-25 22:38
It's a cheat night. I am still racing around with my Fitbit on and I've thrown in an hour of swimming today as well today so I'm taking the easy way out tonight with a song that hits the spo… Read More
2016-04-25 17:06
I am cheating tonight as I am tired and want to skive off to bed after a long day incorporating several long walks. (I'm trying to shift some weight and counting my steps on my Fitbit.)… Read More
2016-04-23 21:11
A couple of years ago, when I was preparing The Changing Room for publication it finally dawned on me why most writers are mad. Of course, I'd heard stories about writers who imagine aliens… Read More
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