Since moving to the East Coast two years ago I have yet to review my vices and assess their progress and performance to identify points of improvement. What better place to do this than on my public blog.


The Sauce
The spirits are well, continuing to provide for me the Technicolor existence I so crave. Drinking, for me, is like having a wardrobe that leads to Narnia. I don’t look forward to imbibing poison but throughout the day small explosions of excitement do pour over me at the notion of disappearing into my fantasy, pulling open the cabinet doors and pushing through the bottles on a mission. Reality rarely fails this mission as afterwards I often find myself cold, eating chocolate and talking to animals.

The Whores
Sex is the creator of life but is also the calmer of nerves, relaxer of minds and connector of souls. Now entering my longest dry spell since pre-pubescence I am considering the options most single, thirty-somethings face at this crossroads: become career driven, a priest or gay.

The gay thing is out due to my penis allergy. Priesthood hopes are kaput because, well, Jesus exists (only) in your hearts and I’m still allergic to penis. The only area left to focus the ire of my spoiled seed is on work. If only I could brag to my friends about increasing profit and get high-fives for lowering costs.

The Porn
Exemplary.

The Blue Humor
I have no doubt lost my grasp of “time and place”. The execution is continually perfect; when it comes to inappropriate puns I am still the worldwide leader in double entendres and self-deprecating quips. Where the structure becomes weak is in social settings, during my intoxicated entropy in relaxed, public atmospheres. Where humor had previously brought beauty to my embrace it now only brings a foot to my mouth.

Overall my proclivities rate 68 of 80 potential points. I could definitely stand to shut my mouth and get laid more, since the two are not mutually exclusive. All in all I am right on course with where I want to be ten years from now.