In March I was accepted to attend BYU as part of the 2017 new students. :) I was super excited to attend and am planning on majoring in Family History and Geneology. (Yes, BYU does offer that major and it is the only college in North America that does).
I got a job as well, I am working in the MTC cafeteria in Provo. Yesterday was my first shift was crazy busy but it was still fun to be in the MTC and be around so many missionaries. It brings me back to my time in the MTC and resurfaced a lot of happy memories.
I feel so blessed to be here as this school was created by many miracles and revelation. It's amazing to be able to talk to someone on campus and have a gospel discussion at some point during the conversation. Everyone here has the exact same values as I do so it's amazing to walk on campus and just feel the spirit.
However, despite how happy I am to be here or how excited I am to start classes there's always the worries in the back of my mind. Anxiety is nice like that. I find that I'm worried about my job that I just started yesterday, or going to football games (I purchased a ROC pass), or meeting new people, homework, and just everyday life.
Depression is nice too. Already I find myself slipping a bit, and not having much motivation to do really anything. To quote one of my favorite slam poems (to view it, which I highly recommend doing because it's a very accurate statement of having depression and anxiety click here.) "Anxiety is the friend that depression felt obligated to bring to the party." So having both run in my head while trying to just survive being a college student away from home for the first time is not a fun experience.
I've never done school with depression and anxiety before. Well, I have, but in previous semesters I was blissfully ignorant of the mental illness I had. The signs were there but I never had enough puzzle pieces to put the diagnosis together. Now I do and I'm on medication, so I have no idea how my mental illnesses and I will interact with school. I love school, but I am still concerned.
So am I worried? Yes. I am. I'm a perfectionist. I've never received a C in school and even B's are pushing it for me. I want everything to work out just fine. I have high standards for myself, and my greatest fear would have to be failure.
However, there is only one thing to do:
In life that is really exactly all we can do in times like these. We have to keep going we just can't quit. And no matter how much I want to live in my bed and hide under the covers I know I can't do that. Because the future is waiting for me, "There is help and happiness ahead."