Good afternoon to all my wonderful viewers. Got some stuff on my mind today...enjoy the read!
My entire life, I've always sought to feel accepted and appreciated. I'll admit it...mostly by boys. I've had my fair share of "boyfriends" and whatnot. Last night, I experienced heartbreak yet again. I sobbed myself to sleep, woke up, threw up, and remembered the night before.
I was quite sure that my feelings for this one were real though. We have broken up multiple times, and every time he apologizes and I take him back. It's ridiculous and I feel worse every time I do because I know it never ends well. The more I held on, the more I hurt.
We had talked about our future. I told him things I didn't tell the rest. I trusted him, cared about him, and ultimately set myself up to get hurt. Last night he chose to tell me we're done for good this time. The room spun and all I could do was cry. I'm Tired of being dropped like I'm nothing. I was tired of him giving me the attention I wanted, only to end up hurting me. I had thought things would last longer this time. I was wrong. He's not the one.
I remember praying to God that I really wanted this one to stick around. That I was sure I knew what I was doing, and that he seemed to be somebody who'd stay awhile because we had been through so much. Despite the pain I feel, I know deep down that what I feel is anger. I'm angry because God gave me the answer I needed and not the one I wanted. I know I have written about this before, but it's just so relevant.
My view of the future and of time is really so limited...finite. God's plan right now, being really honest, looks super crappy in my eyes. However, it's not. It's just impossible for my human mind to see anything past now.
Thankfully, God reminded me of my blessings this morning when my best friend came and brought me ice cream and made me laugh again. What more do I need?