This past year has been rough in ways I did not anticipate, but I think I handled it all really well, honestly. I have learned a lot about all kinda things that are now completely irrelevant and I'm not entirely sure I'll ever put that knowledge to use. I have been really hurt, abused, neglected, and treated badly by the very systems that are supposed to treat me well and support me. I felt anger and had all these ideas for how I was going to take my experiences and turn them into a bunch of good to help other women in situations like mine.

But the truth is, I don't want to do that.

I'm Tired... sometimes because I have a baby who wakes up at 5:25a, even though I really, really, really need to sleep until 7a or even just 6a. But I'm tired of all the emotions and the research and the thinking and the righteous anger. I just wanna let it go.

I had intended to sign on and Write a couple of blog posts that are in my head about things relevant to what I experienced this year... most especially a blog post about the myth that "breast is best". (Spoiler : it isn't. Humans get 99% of their immunity from the placenta and the amniotic fluid and breastmilk only helps fight bacteria and viruses that get in the digestive track and cause diarrhea. So if you have clean water, formula is scientifically equivalent to breastmilk and no one should be spreading any other lies.) But I don't want to write these posts.

In fact, I don't really want to write any posts.

I just don't have the right situation to open up my computer and write a post. I have to go in another room or put Babe in something to keep him from grabbing at it or wait until Adam is home and go away ... and I don't want to do any of those things.

I share most of what I'm experiencing on Instagram (thehonestbadger) and I like it there.

I've been struggling with all the things that could've been. Oh how I wished I had a natural labor and vaginal delivery. Oh how I wish I could've breastfed. Those things didn't happen and I can't redo them and feeling butthurt over them isn't doing me any favors. I had planned to bury it all in the dirt in the woods and let it go, but I'm not even sure I'll do that.

I've had this old Apple TV that a friend gave to me. I couldn't get it to talk to the remotes I had. It sat in my bag for months. I went to the Apple store last night and they restored it and it started talking to my remote again. I brought it home and couldn't get it to talk to my remote to make it connect to my WiFi to work. So I just threw that fucker away.

I threw away all the fabric I had been holding onto for all the projects I'm never going to sew. I threw away the idea of starting a traveling wedding business.

I've been cleaning out my life because what I want to do is hang out with Babe. Everything else is just a bunch of crap that takes me away from him and makes me more tired. I can't focus on the things I want to do, like getting back into marathon training, when I feel like I'm focusing on everything else. I feel that way about this blog.

I constantly compose blog posts that I never write and don't shorten them for Instagram because I keep holding on to the idea of this blog. I don't wanna do that anymore. I might pop back in from time to time and I will write a letter to Babe on his first birthday, but this blog feels like another obligation I can't really fit into my life and don't really want to fit into my life.

I think it's time to let it go.