The aftermath of self harming is often an understatement. The feeling of calmness and self assurance that one does not do it again. Well I hope it works, for my post self harmed arms and legs were aching like Numb. A numb feeling similar to anesthetics or the Pain after receiving a massive blood transfusion. 

I'll leave it to white blood cell to do the job then.  

But my stomach hurts, growling in pain and constipation, that's where it started happen. I'm stuck in a major situation between studying and shitting because afterall, Jennifer doesn't wanna waste time self loathing in the toilet. 

Perhaps mom have started preventing me from using razor blades for shaving now since a good part of my skin unexpectedly fell from the deep cuts. 

I'm a nobody. 

Supposingly I'm a less stubborn and competitive person, and supposingly I have a large part of personality inherited from the maternal side of the family. Situations like these could be prevented. Here we go again, comtemplated ping the mistakes that have been made. I can't help it but lay down naked thinking about what goes on in my life. I wanted to start revising for this final year, a good part of me wants to do well since Asians are highly stereotypes of As and no bullshit. 

Kokoro seemingly want to convey some sort of message, she was staring at me with agony or perhaps tiredly eyes. 9 years of friendship, I know her very well. I remember that small part she made when I was screaming in distress in the bathroom. She knew where the razors would end up therefore informing the family. She's my best friend, there's no one that could ever replace her. You humans ought to be ashame of yourself. 

Dogs deserve humanity more than you do. 

"We think too much, feel too little." As quoted by charlie Chaplin in his last sucessful film of the dictator. Homosapiens are filled with hard emotions, harder than a riddle that could solve itself, and most certainly harder than combating life. So when her mind was drowned by non existing fear and thoughts, her lifestyle deteriorated in the process. What comes after it, guilt but often a lack of remorse. I'm not apologising to my brains for the thoughts, for they were irrational and unpreventable, I'm apologising for my body and the amount of toture via pain it has to endure, while not breaking my skin. 

I'm sorry for how the world perceive self harmers as 'emo'/"attention freaks"/"unnecessary ordeal" etc etc. I'm sorry for how homosapiens think you're not important. We just can't drive our attention away to something less dangerous and healthier. I can't help but feel more than the average human, because I feel too much, therefore I think too little in consequences. 

I want to change though, I want to be the best in combating such negative emotions, I want to be able to reach out to those in difficulty. Another year perhaps, it'll be better than this bag of heartless unexplainable actions.