Mostly serving as a responsive Blog entry to my previous post that I wrote two months ago, here's a definitive look at how ridiculous my first month of being a 21 year old feels like, and many more dumb stuff.

It's closing in on two months since she left for the UK, and I have improved in terms of missing her on the daily to letting her go as I was definitely being selfish during that time, and many other times / incidents prior to the things I experienced that was jotted down on my previous post. I had to toughen up and confront her about what platform the two of us stood on. 

'Everything happens for a reason,' and 'God works in mysterious ways,' are two different sentences yet they both mean the same thing. October 12th is the day prior to my birthday, and this year's was the final day of me being 20 years old. Turning 21 is pretty cool, as I'm considered legal now and can properly drink alcohol. Although, my tolerance is as thin as a sheet of paper so I'm not going to bother with trying to take shots that are more than , two. 

Okay my tolerance isn't that low, but it's unbelievably low nonetheless.

I was in a room in my university with E and this girl that I have never met before. The issue? She looked and acted like V. I didn't take it easy that day and Texted "I miss you. I Love you." out of sadness and the thought of missing her. I Needed closure on what we were, because it felt like it was an on/off relationship but I was on the losing side. Having grieved for the majority of the year, I needed to reach the end of the road with my grief, as it was affecting both me, her and the people surrounding me. I knew I was in pain, and I knew I needed it to stop completely.

An hour's worth of texting back and forth with her that day sealed the deal and I came to the conclusion that as much as I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, she does not see it the same way (or she does not want to admit it). Metaphorically speaking, it felt like I was a novice at a shooting range, trying to catch bullets but I would always miss my mark, and the bullet would hit me. That was how it felt being me, and it was scary. 

I held my tears in because I felt uneasy breaking down in university, so I saved my grief for during the drive home later that evening. It was unbearable, but it had to be done. I felt free the very next day, celebrating my birthday and a step further into a new life, with a new mindset. I kept that oath to myself, until last Wednesday where my walls started collapsing. I didn't know why.

Each day since last Wednesday, I've been twitching to text her. A simple "how are you?" like I always do and she'd reply me within a couple of hours, given our timezone difference. But I'm scared. I doubt a lot of things. "You always assume stuff", she said to me once. She's right. I don't have any rights to text her now because I don't think she would be pleased to entertain me, and I would also be breaking my oath to myself. I would go through a relapse. Nobody wants me to go through that. I don't want to go through that.

I kept having dreams of her, walking closer and closer towards me each day. On Saturday I was able to hug her, and I woke up feeling scared, sad and confused. I broke down instantly. I knew I needed help. The urge to text her "I miss you." increased. My mind was taking over and I didn't know why. I genuinely felt scared and immediately texted some friends for suggestions. The verdict was to seek counseling, which happens to me my final card in my deck. I'm going to play it. 

Doubt settled in as I questioned myself if I really did let her go completely, or if I'm tugging on a metaphorical string and it's eating me again. I'm unsure about what triggered these emotions over the past few days. "Do you miss her, or do you miss the companionship?" asked a friend of mine A.S. I replied with the latter, but I'm probably secretly leaning towards the former and I'm afraid of admitting it.

A small paragraph here, dedicated to her, assuming she still reads my stuff: 

Hi. I'm sure you're enjoying yourself at HFS. Although you don't update social media, I still find ways to get updated about you. It's not a stalking thing, there's just someone who's studying there that I'm acquaintances with and they updated their Facebook with pictures. Hope you enjoyed the Halloween party, which I'm positive you did. "How are you?" , I've been meaning to text that to you as it's become a habit that is pretty hard to break. Are you angry, upset, enjoying the best time of your life, or something else? Are the lecturers / professors there treating you well? I know I'm not your parents, but hell do I worry every now and then. The words above this paragraph contradicts what I'm about to say but I've been doing alright. I attend my lectures now. I've made new friends over the course of the month and I hope to make more. I did take those things into heart, the words you texted me on the 12th. Thanks for the music you sent me a while back. I love them. A couple are those that I listen to daily. You have good music taste, but I've told you that a thousand times. I was unsure on how to respond besides "thank you" , because I would've added more words than I needed to. That would've drove you off from responding. Please don't take my silence for anything mean. 

I know you need to heal, but if there's a guy at HFS that can make you happy - treasure him. A huge part of me will wait for you to return. Who knows what will happen by then anyways. I'm annoyingly persistent, which I apologize for. A million words shortened down into a couple of paragraphs here, which probably would amount to a million words. I think there's a character limit on WhatsApp. I'm a little lazy to figure out what that would be. As much as you've told me that I have a pass to text you, you have the same towards me as well. If you're reading this, you may text me back with anger and frustration regarding this whole Blog post, or anything really. I believe I'm on an even ground with where I stand in your eyes. I miss you. I love you. Yes I've moved on. From you: unsure. From grief: yes. I know you don't like this side of me, opening up about something so private, towards the general public. But what the heck... as long as I'm being honest with myself, with you. Love.

~End~

I've felt more productive, managing my time much better and thinking a lot about my future - which apparently is answering dumb online surveys for some cheap money. Pretty sure it's all a fraud but heck I'm determined to cash out into my PayPal. As much as it's pretty cool to be a full-time student, some passive income from some source is good. I'm not a professional so I won't go out and brand myself as a freelancer on anything. Procrastination is still a thing when it comes to me. I'm learning to be more confident in myself, and being myself. Some things will take, so I shall make time.

Considering that this could possibly my final post for this year, here is a summary from January till today. It's been rough, but I learned a lot. I dragged a lot of people into my issues and I have been apologizing since then, like an idiot. Truthfully, it has been an eyeopening experience. I have never expressed myself out to a singular individual like I did with you, and I let myself go and was completely fragile to everything that happened. Sure, you broke me. That was the direction you pinned onto yourself. I didn't have the capacity to put myself back together again and even try to carry on. That was on me. I suppose the final card in my hand has been laid out on the table, as I am seeking counseling. There was closure between us, but not within me.

I came to terms that I am deeply in love with someone that I cannot have, and that is what I might have to live with for the rest of my life.