I’m Sitting in my favorite coffee shop in town, a quaint old house with original hardwood floors and cozy furniture. Beads of water are rolling down the sides of my frozen dirty chai latte. It’s humid outside, the thunder of an afternoon storm shaking the glass window panes.
I am sitting here, a week out from beginning my fifth and final year of my undergraduate education, reflecting on this summer and the things that I have learned about myself.
I have watched my spiritual life grow weaker and weaker these past few months. I have made choices this summer that I am not proud of.
And I have learned that Satan really isn’t my biggest enemy: I am.
I’m not really a perfectionist in any aspect of my life except for in my Christian walk. If I were staying on the righteous road, only making good choices and rarely sinning, saying my prayers and reading my Scriptures, I felt the absolute closet to God and the Holy Spirit. If I made even one mistake, no matter how small, I quit praying. I quit reading my Scriptures, because I felt like I had failed God.
Yesterday while I was sitting in church, I felt hot tears brim in my eyes because I realized that my mentality, this need to either feel like the “perfect” Christian or no Christian at all, left zero room for what Christ and the Cross ultimately provides: Grace.
There are things about myself and my actions these past few months that I am actively going to try and change, but the most radical change I wish to make in my life is to stop giving up on God when I feel like He’s given up on me. Because the truth is, He hasn’t.
I have given up on myself.
So today, during this torrential downpour, I am reading these scriptures with a weak heart, but rejoicing that when I am weak, then I am strong.
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” –Ephesians 1:7-8
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
–2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”